Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Bobby-boy, stay while mommy picks up free cheese.

This will keep the sun out of your eyes.

Be good.

Don't you fucking move, you little shit machine.

Mama's gonna try to score.

Excuse me, who's watching these babies?

The fat one's watching the little one?

Nice parenting.

Leave them out here like that and see what happens.

Fuck you, you fucking square!

Yeah, keep on trucking.

Did you hear the fucking guy tell me how to fucking raise you?

What a fucker man.

Who does he think he fucking is?

What's the worst that could fucking happen to you

standing in front of a store?

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck- mother-motherfuck-fuck.

Motherfuck, motherfuck... no inch, no inch, no inch.

One, two, one-two-three-four.

No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,

Smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers.

Drinking beers, beers, beers. Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.

Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts.

Let me have a nickel bag.

Fifteen bucks, little man. Put that shit in my hand.

If that money doesn't show, then you owe me, owe me, owe.

My Jungle Love. Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!

I think I want to know you, know you.

What the hell are you singing?

You don't know "Jungle Love"?

That shit is the mad notes.

Written by God herself...

and handed down to the greatest band in the world.

The motherfucking Time.

You mean the guys in that Prince movie?

Yeah, "Purple Rain."

That shit was so gay. Fucking 80's style.

Don't never say an unkind word about "The Time".

Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives...

around Morris Day and Jerome.

I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy...

and tubby here is my black man-servant.

What?

What did tell you two about dealing in front of the store?

Drop the kid and pedal your wares someplace else, bum-boy.

And for the record, "The Time" sucked ass.

Want to hear something fucked up about him and that Quick-Stop boy?

Are you supposed to be here today?

Don't get me started.

Can't we do something about those two stoners...

hanging around outside the store all the time?

Why? What did they do now?

I'm trying to watch "Clash Of The Titans"

and all I can hear is...

those two screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs.

I thought the fat one didn't talk that much.

What, am I producing an A&E biography about them?

Two packs of wraps. How is the service?

What service?

The one at the Unitarian Church last week...

where you two got married to each other

What the hell are you talking about?

Jay said you guys had a "Star Wars" theme wedding...

and you tied the knot dressed like Storm Troopers.

And he says you're the bitch and you're butch.

I'm the bitch?

If we were gay, that's the way I'd see it.

Will you shut up?

Holy shit, dude, the honeymoon's over.

That does it.

I am gonna do something about these two stoner fucks...

I should've done a long time ago.

What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?

We got a report of two guys hanging around a store selling pot.

We don't smoke pot.

No pot? What do you use this for?

I have a wiping problem, I stick those little pieces of paper...

over my brown eye and bam! No shit stains on my undies.

You don't believe me? I'll show you.

Check this out.

Just spread my cheeks and you can see the stink nuggets.

Pull up your fucking pants, sir.

Now!

Let's go. We're going down to the station.

What, is it a crime to fart? Motherfucker...

No fucking way!

Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order?

Ain't that about a bitch?

Are you gonna abide by the court's ruling...

or are you gonna go bandit, Reynold's style?

Judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the store...

we get thrown into County.

You know what they make you do in County?

Toss the salad.

If you guys really wanted to hang out in front of a convenience store...

you could buy your own with all that money you guys made.

Hell, yeah, bitch.

Wait a second... What money?

The money from the Bluntman And Chronic movie.

Oh my God, don't tell me you have no idea...

that there's a movie being made of the comic...

you two were the basis for?

What? Since when?

Here's the pulse. And this is your finger...

far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass.

Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

If you read Wizard, you'd know that it's the top story this month.

Check it out.

When the fuck did this happen?

After X-Men hit at the box office...

all the studios started buying every comic property...

they could get their dirty little hands on.

Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.

Miramax?

I thought they only made classy pictures...

like The Piano, or The Crying Game.

Once they made She's All That , everything went to hell.

You're saying you haven't gotten a monetary cut of the movie?

Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards...

used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book?

We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie.

I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky...

owe you some of that proverbial "fat cash".

If I was you guys, I'd find Holden McNeil...

and ask for my movie check.

Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!

And on that note, we cue the music.

Look at these morose motherfuckers right here.

Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bunngg!

Come on in.

What brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods?

I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods.

Where's our motherfucking movie check?

You heard about that, huh?

I got nothing to do with it.

That's Banky's deal.

He owns the property now.

I sold my half of the Bluntman and Chronic rights to him years ago.

Why the fuck would you do a thing like that?

Why in Gods' name would I want to keep writing about characters...

whose central preoccupation is weed and dick and fart jokes.

You gotta grow, man.

Don't you want anything more for yourself?

I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does.

I look into his sorry, doe eyes and I see a man crying out.

He's crying out "When, Lord?"

When the fuck can your servant...

ditch this foul mouthed little chucklehead...

to whom I am a constant victim of his folly.

So much so that it prevents me from ever getting a girl.

Fuck! When, Lord, when?

When's gonna be my time?

He knows.

I'm the chucklehead?

You're the fucking dumb ass...

who gave your comic away.

Now you don't get no fucking movie check neither.

When you're right, you're right.

I wish I'd held on to a little piece of that thing because...

if the buzz is any sign, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.

What buzz?

The internet buzz.

What the fuck is the internet?

The internet is a communications tool used the world over...

where people can come together to bitch about movies...

and share pornography.

Poop shoot, yeah.

This is a site populated by militant movie buffs.

Sad, pathetic little bastards living in their parents' basement...

downloading scripts and what they think is inside information...

about movies and actors that they claim to despise yet...

can't stop discussing.

Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic.

"Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday..."

"on their adaptation of underground comic fav Bluntman & Chronic."

Friday? Shit.

Does it say who's playing us in the movie?

No, but it's Miramax,

so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck nd Matt Damon.

They put them in a bunch of movies.

Who?

Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".

You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it?

I wasn't a big fan either.

But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".

Word, bitch. "Phantoms" was a motherfucker!

Here we go.

This is the shoot back section.

This is where the people get to chime in with their two cents.

Here's a guy with the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"...

opining on what he thinks about Bluntman & Chronic.

He says...

"Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid alter egos Jay & Silent Bob...

"only work in small doses, if at all."

"They don't deserve their own movie."

He's got a point.

Fuck him. What's the next one say?