Psychoville

This programme contains some strong language.

Mr. Jolly was doing illegal organ transplants on the side, getting paid shitloads!

Never mind about that! I think our lives might be in danger!

The important thing is that in the time she has left, she has a stress-free environment.

We haven't got much time! Why? Your life could be in danger!

Put Channel 5 on now! Oh, my God! You've found it!

So you want me to make you up like him?

Yeah. Just a big, white paper-plate face. I thought you hated his guts.

You were always calling him. "Mr Jelly this, Mr Jelly that."

Jolly.

Well, I want to be a ladybird. We're in a very serious situation here!

I just need to go and pick up an item so I can get some money to take us away somewhere.

On the trip? If you like, yes. I need to look like that to get it.

I'd do it myself but I've only got one hand.

And what about Mrs Price? She'll be mad if we don't bring her.

Don't worry - she's got her... device for company.

Oh, the batteries'll have run out by now.

She falls asleep with it in. I'm forever getting up to switch it off.

Well, we'll send her a postcard when we get there.

Just concentrate and do as you're told for once! All right!

But I still want to be a ladybird.

Where are we going, David?

Do you remember when I was a little boy and we went on that caravan holiday in Whitley Bay?

We had that black-and-white portable and could only get Tyne Tees.

That's right. And I asked you what was the one thing you'd like to do before you died.

Yeah, and I said wine tasting in France.

No, you didn't. I did.

I still do - I'd love to do that.

Oh. I've completely misremembered it, then. What did you think I said?

Zorbing.

Whoa! THEY YELL

Keep your knees together - I can see between your legs!

Come on, Mum, you're OK. That's it.

Watch your head! HE CHUCKLES

That was good, wasn't it?

That was like being in the washing machine.

Yeah, it was.

Ah, thanks, David.

That was better than wine tasting any day.

SHE COUGHS

Mum, what's wrong?

I think this is probably it, son.

Is that him? Yeah.

We called you because we saw... this flagged up in his file.

Oh!

Tell me about your time at Ravenhill Hospital.

Never heard of it.

HE SCOFFS And you've never heard of...

Edwina Kenchington?

Doesn't ring a bell.

OK.

Well...

I'm not going anywhere.

I can wait.

Look, you have to charge me or release me.

I know my rights.

PAPER TEARS

Oops.

Oh! Silly me.

Let's see if we can...

dry it off.

All right, all right! I was a patient at Ravenhill Hospital. Please...

just let me have the book.

Now we're getting somewhere.

So, you enter Ravenhill Hospital suffering from mild exhaustion and emerge...

seven years later as a recovering schizophrenic?

Do you know how many...

scientific breakthroughs have been made completely by accident, Inspector?

Archimedes' bath, Newton's apple,

Fleming's mouldy petri dish.

With me, it was strawberry Pop Tarts...

All the category D patients were on a rota to take Nurse Kenchington her breakfast.

But on this particular occasion,

she wasn't there.

Put that down and get out! Yes, Nurse Kenchington.

You didn't masturbate in my tea, did you?

No. No, I didn't.

Good. Because Patient Wilkinson did, and we soon put a stop to that.

Now, go and weave yourself a basket before I find a jar for you.

Yes, Nurse Kenchington.

Well? It's just, there's a mistake. What are you talking about?

The diatomic molecules on the reactant side don't balance with the product valence shells.

Yes, they do. They don't. The digits have been entered incorrectly.

I know how to enter digits, pin head. Now, leave that alone.

Don't...

And that was it. The start of seven long years of research.

Research into what?

Oh, the Holy Grail, Inspector.

The secret of life itself.

I think she was a weather girl to start off with. Enjoy the sunshine!

She got her baps out for Zoo.

Oh, yes, "Star of BBC3 comedy, Stinkfinger."

I've never heard of it, have you? Yeah, it was shit.

I'll have to get more with it. I haven't even got a video player.

Right, I'll do the talking. You're my boyfriend, just go along with it.

What? Hi, Debbie, we're such big fans of Shitfinger.

Stinkfinger. That's it. Oh, thank you. Who shall I put it to?

To Peter and Michael. That's your Christmas present ruined.

Aah! "To Peter and Mich..."

Is it E-A, E-A?

I always find Michael really hard.

Join the club!

I'll just put Mike.

We saw you on telly last night.

Ah, what about that poor woman?

I know, was it three different men or one man three times?

All right. What we wanted to ask you was, where did you get that necklace from,

because it was absolutely beautiful, wasn't it, Michael?

Yeah. Beautiful. Oh, don't say that, I gave it away last night.

Who to?

To my make-up lady. Her name was Hattie, you see,

and it had this big H on the front,

and she'd been admiring it all night, so I thought...

Oh! Don't you want your book?

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

OK, and if we could have you the other way round, heads together.

Lovely! Aw, It's so good that you can do this, cos we didn't get time on the day, did we, Shahrouz?

Do you want me to go full-length on this?

Not full-length, I don't want to get the chain in, so...

Can we have a little smile from the groom?

He's on medication, so he's a bit groggy.

Right, I want to do them all again now, with glasses off.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, who's that?

Chris! What you doing here? I thought you were in Cranford.

I've... I've got a few days off.

Where's Shahrouz?

Erm, you mean my husband?

I mean my boyfriend, where is he?

I've not spoken to him in days, and his phone's turned off.

Because he doesn't want to talk to you. There, I've said it. What are you talking about?

I don't know what you're playing at, Hattie. Where is he?

Well, he's not here.

Chris? Chris? Chris?

Shahrouz! Let me in! Look, Chris, he's not, he's not...

My God, baby, what's she done to you?

Chris. You must not be here, they are watching the house.

Who is? They are!

What's she been saying? Should I be getting all this?

No, he's just a jealous ex. Couldn't keep away, could you, Chris?

What are you talking about? Can't bear that he chose me over you.

Christ, you've got him chained up!

Yeah, well we're into all that, aren't we, Shahrouz?

You know, maybe he feels more comfortable with me and he can express himself. Is he on drugs?

Don't judge us, Chris. What we get up to within our marriage is between me and my husband.

Sorry about all this. That's OK. Don't mind me.

Well, tell him, Shahrouz. Tell him who you want to be with. Er, Hattie.

There you go, you see. There's your answer.

He has been fucking me all afternoon!

This way, this way, this way...

You are sick, Hattie. You need help. Oh, I need help, do I? Ha!

Yes, you do! You are a pathetic, sad little cow.

Everyone laughs about you on the make-up trucks, you know,

crying into your white wine every night. "I can't get a man, I can't get a man."

Is it any wonder?

You look a fucking state

with your piss-hole eyes and your flour-bag tits.

You're a joke, Hattie.

Come on.

Shahrouz, if you walk out that door this marriage is over.

I will not take you back. Sorry, Hattie.

Sorry, Hattie.

I'm three months' pregnant, Shahrouz!

I'm going to have our baby.

You'll never have kids, Hattie.

You're too old.

It's twins?

So now we do glasses off, yeah?

Connie, call security.

Oh, good day to you. Er, I rang earlier and made an appointment.

Oh, erm...

Oh, yes, Mr Jelly, isn't it?

Jolly.

Er, this is my assistant...

Mrs Ladybird-Face.

How kind of you to let me come.

All right, don't overdo it.

Right. And could I see your security card?

Yes. As per normal.

Great. Well, if you'd like to follow me,

I'll take you to the storage banks.

So what is it you do here, love? Well, we use a process called vitrification

to deep-freeze human organs which can be stored and later used for medical research.

Yeah, or sold for shitloads on eBay.

How's your mother, by the way?

Who? Mrs Kenchington.

We haven't heard from her in a while. She's dead.

She got blown up, didn't she?

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's all right. Er, she just left the gas on.

And I'm over it now.

Well, presumably you'll be taking over her account?