The Simpsons

_

No couch, boys. I gave it to the poor.

- Yay! - Yay!

Neddy? Neddy.

Oh, Maude, you've come back.

Completely clothed and untouchable.

This is the sexiest dream I've ever had.

Wait, Maudie.

Just one little kiss.

All tongue, no lips.

Just like Maude.

Daddy, why are you crying?

Oh, just watering the old lip lawn.

I had a dream about your mom.

Don't you ever dream about her?

Faster, Mommy, faster.

Aah!

Ow!

What's wrong, Todd?

I can never unsee that.

It's okay, son. Just a bad dream.

Want some lukewarm water?

Daddy, I can't remember what Mommy looks like.

I think I might have a video or two of your mother.

What's wrong?

I'm doing Mommy's old skin routine.

Now, that's the healthy way to grieve.

_

I'm scared.

Well, I have faith in you.

Who are you people,

and what have you done with my family?

Answer me!

Oh, Dad, every time we make you shovel the driveway,

you wind up someplace crazy.

Won't you join us for dinner?

He sure will.

I'll pick him up tomorrow.

Mommy was so nice.

And she still is, Roddily Doddily.

How do you know? Have you heard from her?

Oh, uh, n-no, sir.

But, uh, faith is believing in something without proof.

Uh, you can't see my lip below my mustache,

- but you know it's there. - Can I see it?

No.

My math teacher said

believing in something without proof is crazy.

You think the coat of many colors was crazy?

Noah's ark and the Holy Ghost, crazy?

Don't tell me you're doubting Balaam's talking ass.

Mommy, if you still remember me, give me a sign.

This is Homer Simpson auditioning

for the air guitar championship of the world.

I'm taking you down, Bjorn Turoque.

- _ - Ooh!

Whoo-hoo!

And for that simple reason, we are right

and Episcopalians are wrong, wrong, wrong.

Now I'd like to invite

our littlest parishioners to the front.

Gertie, a little traveling music, please?

Soon as we can, we're replacing her with Spotify.

I'm taking middle C.

So, tell me, young Christians,

if you could speak to Baby Jesus,

what would you say?

I'd say thank you for being born,

'cause that gave us Christmas.

Aw!

Mmm, I'm killing it.

Ralph, what would you say?

I'd say, "Baby Jesus,

thank you for dying for our shins."

And you, Todd? What would you say?

I lost my voice from crying.

Oh, come on, young man.

You're my closer.

What would you say to Jesus?

I'd say...

thanks for nothing!

My mommy's dead and she's never coming back,

and I don't believe in God anymore.

No. No!

Thank God these collection baskets were empty.

You're welcome.

Now, son, let me put this gently.

We're all going to hell!

You opened a doorway to disbelief in God's own house!

Why does God need so many houses?

Couldn't some go to poor people?

You just stop right there, boy.

You do not question

God's real estate holdings and tax-free status.

I have to let off a little steam.

Shucks! Shucks! Shucks!

_

That's it. Young man, I am FaceTiming the reverend.

Reverend,

I know you hate it when I bother you.

Aah!

It's okay. It's okay.

I'm at my daughter's ballet recital.

Oh, is she good?

Seriously, are any of them good?

Reverend, like the pharaoh's army in the Red Sea,

I'm in over my head.

My heathen son needs you right now.

Oh, sorry, got to go.

I have to read the last rites...

for the art of ballet.

Lord, please punish my boy thoroughly

so he may once again believe in thine divine mercy.

- Daddy, I have a problem. - Oh, you, too?

I accidentally watched a 30 Rock by mistake.

Oh! Oh, my good, good boy.

- Mmm. - So it's okay to watch?

Just Kenneth. Just Kenneth. Mmm.

Good morning, Rod. Todd. God.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Let us, uh, stiffly resume our nice, regular routine.

Dear Lord, we thank you for this breakfast,

each generic brand Circle-O a symbol of God's unending love.

- Amen. - Amen.

Todd?

Son? Can I just get an amen?

A prayer without an amen

is like a Tootsie Pop without a center.

Oh, I apologize for thinking the word "tootsie."

But there must be a way

to scare religion back into my son.

Isn't there some hell on earth I could briefly place him in?

Let me in, boy!

The school bus will be here any minute!

To find your clothes, just solve this series of clues:

what has bark but no bite?

Um, the dog?

Wrong. A tree.

Here's another. If a plane crashes

on the border of North and South Dakota,

where do you bury the survivors?

Uh, Minnesota.

Wrong.

You don't bury the survivors. They're survivors!

I don't understand, but I'll bury you.

Tell you what. I'll give you your pants back

- if you can answer this last one. - Uh-huh.

- What has two hairs on top... - Right.

- ... is somebody's dad... - Somebody's dad, yes.

... and starting right now he's getting quite mad?

I don't know, but just give me my pants, boy!

Can we take pictures?

Wait, you see that, too?

That Simpson house

will put the fear of God in him.

Give me your pants.

Todd Flanders, I cast thee out.

Daddy, do you love me more now?

Just by asking,

you have committed the sin of pride.

Yes, Ned, yes.

We'll keep him here till tomorrow.

Yes, I'll read him a good bedtime story.

Right, right. No wizards.

No pagans. No wild things.

How about The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

No, that celebrates gluttony.

Clifford the Big Red Dog?

Clifford the satanic abomination.

Everyone Poops?

Not me.

Todd. Psst! Todd.

I know what it's like to leave the faith of your family.

Thank you so much, Lisa.

At last, someone gets it.

But have I got a god for you.

Consider the Buddha. He brings peace from within.

He avoids the pitfalls of ego,

he loves yoga and Yoda,

and he's lost weight.

What happens when you die?

You get reincarnated as a human

or an animal or a ghost.

Pass. Buddha's no god, and neither is God.