Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return

Ooh yeah, say what you want, but this pneumatic system

we put Cambot on is really superior.

Tell me about it! Hydraulics? Ha. What were we thinking?

Guys, guys!

- I'm alive! - Uh...

- and you are? - Jonah!

Mm.

- Doesn't ring any bells. - Jonah Heston!

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

I cannot wait to tell you about my harrowing tale of survival.

- I... - No can do, Jonah!

We've gotta finish our back-up travel Cambot!

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

Do you have to do that now?

Don't you wanna know how I escaped a loveless marriage

- and almost certain death? - Oh, whatever.

I'm glad you asked! It all started that day when... Oh.

Come on!

You... You know, I wanna hear

- his survival story. - Oh, sure. Let's put a pin in that.

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. We need your help!

He needs my help.

Mayday!

Hello? Hello!

What the heck?

Celebrating our 30th year!

- So, I says to him... - Anyway, back to my daring,

life-threatening escape.

There I was, me and Reptilicus...

- Hold that thought, Kinga's calling. - Ah, thank the maker.

Zip it, Heston! We don't have time to tie up loose ends!

Instead, we need to tee up the next concept in movie mockery!

Max!

Ladies and gentlemen of the world stage, prepare to witness

the most mind-bending act of movie riffing ever attempted.

I...

Kinga Forrester, have assembled the six most crap-tastic films ever!

I simply don't think you babies can handle it!

Can Jonah Heston, his robot jerks, and you at home,

survive six horrible movies back to back to back to back...

To back!

I present to you...

The Gauntlet!

- The Gauntlet. - The Gauntlet.

- I love it. - What? No!

Yes!

The Gauntlet.

- Let me... Can I do one? - No.

The Gauntlet.

Six terrible movies, riffed one after the other!

Mac and Me...

- Argh! - Atlantic Rim...

Lords of the Deep...

- Oh! - The Day Time Ended...

Great googa mooga!

Killer Fish...

What?

And Ator!

That's it, I'm done.

- Hey, come back here! - I'm outta here! No, no!

Forget binge watching this show,

- we're gonna binge-make it! - Hope none of you at home have to work,

sleep or feed anything for the next eight hours.

It's a turnpike with no exits! Oh no!

We can't riff six movies in a row! Our brains will melt!

- Our souls will implode! - And what about our wedding

that got interrupted by a mechanical dragon?

Still into me, I see.

Oh, Jonah.

Dear sweet, simple Jonah, I've moved on.

We all have.

After you got eaten, Kinga and I had... our best talk ever.

And we realized everything had to change. And...

- we hooked up. - Ew.

No... Ew. No! No, no, we did not!

From now on, we're dumbing things down!

Yeah, once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart.

With our invention exchange,

a new pharmaceutical we call...

Algernon.

I don't know, anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry

can't be very safe.

Relax, ex-fiancé, no-one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff

our drug could do to you in the advertisement.

Algernon.

Hi. I'm Synthia.

As a clone, I lacked basic intelligence.

But that changed when I started taking Algernon!

Algernon.

Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on the market.

Grow your brain with Algernon, you dumb asses.

Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship

and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor.

Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting.

Yeah, uh, Algernon should not be ingested, even in jest.

For more warnings, see our ad in Golf Magazine.

Algernon made me so smart I realized it was dangerous

and I should stop taking it.

Algernon!

Now do yours fast, Jonah! The Gauntlet is ready to blow!

Spam. It's canned meat that tastes faintly of ham.

Pez. It's nature's perfect food delivery system.

It tastes faintly of a sidewalk soaked in Dimetapp.

So, we say combine the two with the Spez Dispenser.

Just lift the head of your favorite character.

Hey, I thought I was your favorite character?

- Such a middle child. - All right you cry baby, here you go.

What, wha... Did that come out of me?

It sure did! Who wants Spez?

- No, it's okay you don't have to do that. - No, no. It's fine, Tom. It's fine.

No that's all right...

Un-spez-ant.

Gross.

And now, to binge the un-bingable binge.

Starting with the movie that turns E.T. into B.S.

Enter the nightmare fueled world of Mac and Me.

Flush them the movie!

Movie in the hole!

Spez!

- Spez, spez, spez, spez. - Spez, spez, spez, spez.

Oh, we got movie sign!

- We'll never get there! - Oh, these feet are way too little!

Ugh, I'm already depressed.

- Six movies in a row? - I know.

Ugh. We're just like that poor "and" being crushed

by both Mac and Me. That's us.

- We're that "and". - Yeah.

Welcome to space spa. Prepare for a journey

- to the outer reaches of relaxation. - I'll be your cabana boy!

Hey, that's great, Crow! See, we got it back.

This is not gonna be so bad, right guys?

I think we landed too far from the movie.

Not much coming up on Tinder. Maybe I should expand my radius?

Eh, the Epcot Post-Apocalyptic Pavilion's really coming along.

Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of whatever the hell that is.

Hello, McFly.

Oh, so that's where La Croix comes from.

Waste not, want not.

Wow, you hardly ever get to see Jawas in the nude.

Whoa, I think it's cashed, man.

Hey, I'm open!

Aww bummer, it's the cops, bro.

This what I imagine an ELO concert looks like.

It's landing on his head! Oh.

Ooh, snap.

Oh, it's the Orkin Man. Run away!

Don't cut yet! We need to show it resting for realism! That's it.

Keep holding. And resting.

And realism. And good.

Somebody order an Uber?

All right,

this is our first contact with another intelligent species.

Whatever we do next could alter the course of... Hank, what are you doing?

Exterminate. Exterminate.

A microwave burrito?

Finally, our permanently shocked facial expressions pay off.

Uh, yes dear. Um, no, precious.

Well, well, well looks like we got ourselves a city slicker.

All dressed in his Sunday go-to-meeting lights

and fancy metal shoes.

My feet hurt so bad, Mr. Frodo.

- Pillowcase over a water cooler? - Check!

Foil-wrapped Kleenex box sitting on a humidifier?

- Check! - Boys, we've got a satellite.

Ooh, my testicle jowls.

Come on, come on. Oh, so close!

- Eh, those things are rigged anyway. - Yeah.

Yeah, keep trying, music, this isn't that interesting.

You just play here. Mommy's gonna check on Daddy, okay?

All right.

Hey, somebody call for the life of the party?

There is no way this movie is gonna show us

the exact same thing we just saw.

Oh, kill me.

So, it just picks up rocks, then? Okay.

The Year We Make Contact.

Uh, over here. I'm the little guy you're supposed to suck up.

You know, kick off the whole adventure. Whenever you're ready.

Oh yeah, parents of the year right there.

Give me back my son!

Wait, what?

Oh, come on, movie, we're right here watching this whole thing.

You can't do that.

Uh-oh.

And that's our show.

We hope you've enjoyed Mac and Me.

An aquarium for men?

Finally!

That is some next-level beekeeping.

- Hydraulic systems deactivated. - Framistat at full gigafram.

- Insulation cover open. - Sequencing boopadoops.