My 5 Wives

Man: L.A.... what a town.

It's the only place 4 in the morning,

you got bumper-to-bumper traffic.

We have the most careful drivers in l.A.

They're always giving hand signals.

Yeah... the finger.

I'll tell you one thing about l.A....

The population never changes.

Yeah, every time a kid is born,

some guy leaves town.

Oh, nowhere else on earth

are the people more beautiful...

Gorgeous women, handsome men.

Huh, the trouble is,

you can't tell which is which.

Hey, look at that... The santa monica pier.

I like to go fishing there.

Oh, I tell you...

I go fishing, I catch nothing.

I go to orgies, I catch everything.

Oh, I'll tell you, this town is really booming,

and I helped build it.

I'm monte peterson, land developer.

Hey, there's one of my towers.

And there's a new office building I'm erecting.

I also erected a new sports complex.

I erected a downtown library.

I get erections all over this town.

And I started from scratch.

When I was a kid, I had nothing.

We were poor.

We were so poor, when my father died,

they asked my mother, "paper or plastic?"

Oh, now that I got a few bucks,

I'm happy to say I can help out where it's needed.

And I'm sorry to say

that I'm the number one prize chump

when it comes to women.

Where the hell is he?

You can drop me off right here, baby.

Oh, honey, park the car. I won't be long.

And by the way, the offer I made you...

It still goes... I'll give you a thousand bucks.

Let me spend an hour with you.

I'm sorry. It's just not enough.

Ok, I'll spend 2 hours with you.

Aren't you afraid of sexual harassment?

You know, kid, with me, it's sexual embarrassment.

The last time I had sex, I was arrested

for assault with a dead weapon.

Come on.

Woman: Well, there's no way.

Man: Whoa, I never expected to see my 2 ex-wives here.

They're here as defense witnesses for blanche,

your soon-to-be new ex-wife.

Yeah, look at them.

First there was louise.

What a relationship we had.

Every time I wanted sex,

she left the room to give me privacy.

The only time I heard her yell

"I'm coming"

is when I was holding the elevator.

And number 2 was ginger.

Ho, she drove me nuts.

She couldn't do nothing right.

Then why'd you marry her?

Oh, she did one thing right.

And now this one... Blanche.

This was really love.

I opened my wallet, and there she was.

As soon as we got married,

she put everything under both names...

Her and her mother's.

She played around plenty.

Before we got married,

she told me I was one in a million.

I found out she was right.

Well, here we go again.

Would, uh, mrs. Peterson's attorney

please start the opening arguments?

Ahem.

Your honor, my client, blanche peterson,

is the casualty

of a cold-hearted, negligent husband

who refused to acknowledge her very existence.

Monte peterson polluted

this once-solid rock of gibraltar marriage

by squandering all of his time

on his construction business

and his wild, extravagant ski weekends.

In the interim,

mrs. Peterson showered mr. Peterson

with loving devotion and attention and affection,

only to be spurned.

Remember, she gave him

the best 3 months of her life.

Thank you.

Monte peterson is the victim here...

The victim of a woman

who was never in love with the man,

but in love with his money.

I further understand

that this marriage broke up

because of another woman.

That's right, your honor.

I didn't even know they were seeing each other.

Your honor, I have to object.

Yeah, so did I. That's why we're here.

Please, mr. Peterson, you're out of order.

You know, you never satisfied me anyway.

You never satisfied me, either.

Satisfy you? Ha.

With you, I never had the chance.

Your honor,

she married my client under false pretenses.

Yeah, I can start with her chest.

Judge: Mr. Peterson!

Every time we had sex,

she kept calling out, "rocky, rocky!"

Your honor, I object

to mr. Peterson's insinuation

that my client slept with another man.

Rocky's our dog!

Oh, ho-ho! When I am through with you,

you're gonna be in the poorhouse, baby.

Really, huh?

I'm sorry the dog wasn't a pit bull, ok?

Order! Order!

Order in this court! Order!

Well, I'm free again, thanks to you, janet.

As always, you're the best.

Can't you just date a woman without saying, "I do"?

You know, believe it or not, I like being married.

I just haven't found the right one.

I guess what I really want is the girl next door.

You want the girl next door,

you want the girl up the block,

you want the girl across the street,

you want the girl around the corner.

You're hopeless.

So where are you off to today?

Utah. A little place called redwood springs.

You better get some sleep. You look exhausted.

I'll sleep on the plane.

Good luck. I can never sleep on a plane.

You kidding? I'll sleep like a baby.

Shh.

That's my daughter cissie.

And the little guy there, that's ray junior.

I can't believe this is you, ray...

A family man.

You loved the ladies more than I did.

That was a long time ago, monte.

My wild days are over.

I'm married now. I got 2 little ones.

Yeah? I'm single, and I've got one little one.

Hey, how far is this redwood springs anyway?

Well, along these back country roads,

about 2 hours outside of salt lake city.

Hey, monte, remember that week in aspen?

We met that wild chick in the bar.

I went out with her for 2 nights,

and you had her for 2 nights,

then she went out with the entire construction crew.

We nicknamed her bell because everybody banged her.

Remember?

I wonder whatever happened to her.

I married her.

Monte: Hey, look at that...

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

What am I supposed to do... Jerk him off, too?

Man: I figured if I could just get

one more season of crops in,

then I might maybe be able to pay you back

some of the money I owe you.

Well, I'm sorry. Your property already is

in the process of foreclosure.

But I promise to pay when I can.

Well, a promise is only as good as your collateral.

Do you have any?

Well, sir, the only collateral I gots

is these 2 good hands.

This one binds up once in a while.

Well, uh, I can't promise anything.

I'll talk it over with my associate,

and I'll come back with the answer shortly.

Thank you, mr. Gates.

Can I wait here?

Sure. Make yourself comfortable.

Sir, that important phone call

you've been waiting for

is on line 2.

You'll have to go now.

But what about my loan extension?

You said you'd give me an answer.

There's no loan extension.

The bank's foreclosing immediately.

Go home and pack.

Yeah, but, mr. Gates...