How I Met Your Mother

Kids, sometimes in life you see someone and you just instantly know

this is the person for you.

It can happen anywhere.

Even the waiting room of a tattoo removal clinic.

And that's what happened when I met...

... Stella.

Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp.

My bread and butter.

So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad breakup and some booze.

Unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case,

I think it's time to find a new gang.

No, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo,

and then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...

Well, I can get rid of it in ten one-hour sessions,

but, I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.

Well, I think you'll find I have a very high tolerance for pain.

Just last night, I sat through the worst movie ever made.

- Oh, Plan 9 From Outer Space? - No, the worst movie...

Manos: Hands of Fate.

Uh, I'm a doctor, went to medical school. It's Plan 9.

If you don't believe me, it's playing down at the Pamela Theater.

I don't believe you, Doctor.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

Hello.

- Hey, Ted. - Hey.

Hey, put that away. Tonight's on me.

- Oh, no, no, don't... - Come on, I insist.

That's so nice. Thank you.

Hey, guys, this is my friend Ted. He wants to pay.

- Thank you. - One, two, three, four.

Is something wrong?

No, it's just, um...

I'm just a little embarrassed. I thought this was a date.

But it's no big deal. Don't worry about it.

What's wrong?

Ted's embarrassed, he thought this was a date.

Ted thought this was a date.

Stella, did you know Ted thought this was a date?

What? I'm not allowed to date a patient. It's an AMA rule.

She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.

She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.

- She's not allowed to date... - Yeah, I got it.

We all got it. Ted's a schmuck.

Synchro: MiniBen314 Proofreading: MiniBen314, Flovap

Transcript: Raceman Resync: kabbage

How I Met Your Mother 3x13- Ten Sessions

And you bought all the tickets.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, you were right.

Worst movie-going experience ever.

Of course, it had nothing to do with the movie.

I am so sorry that you thought that was a date.

No, it's fine. I got to hang out with you on girls' night out.

All right, so if you're not allowed to date a patient, I'll just...

I'll wait until these ten session are up and then I'll ask you out then.

Well, then, fair warning:

I'm going to say no.

Really? I'm getting mixed signals from you.

I feel like you've been staring at my ass for quite some time.

What, you're married?

Boyfriend?

Lesbian?

Only date black guys?

And yet you can say with absolute confidence

that ten weeks from now, if I ask you out on a date, your answer will be...

No.

No... Hmm.

What could she mean when she says no?

I don't know, it is totally cryptic.

This is far from over.

We're talking ten weeks from now.

Who knows what she'll want then?

Do you know what you're going to want for lunch ten weeks from now?

Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail and a milk shake.

Ted, do you know how long it takes a woman

to decide whether or not she's going to sleep with a guy?

8. 3 seconds.

After that, her decision is made. She will not change her mind.

- That's ridiculous. - Is it?

Describe your first 8. 3 seconds with Stella.

Lower back butterfly tattoo, you're up.

So we got off to a rocky start.

That may be a problem for some guys,

but I get better over time.

I'm not some Top 40 song...

easily digestible.

I'm complex. I require...

time and multiple listens.

I'm "Stairway to Heaven. "

Wow, Roger Daltrey just rolled over in his grave.

That's not the right guy, is it?

He's not even dead, is he?

I think that's great, Ted.

You can do whatever you set your mind to.

In fact, you've inspired me.

I'm going to stop biting my nails.

- But, baby, you love biting your nails. - I know, but I'm doing this for Ted.

God, this is really hard.

Give me ten sessions,

I'm going to turn that "no" into a "yes. "

Really, Ted? You think so?

Well, tell me, how did the rest of that session go?

This is going to hurt a little.

Yeah, well, I can handle pain.

This one time I was playing tennis, and...

Yeah, but tattoo removal really hurts.

Everyone probably sounds like that.

Doctor, are you all right? I heard a woman screaming in here.

Here's to nine more great sessions.

And so the weeks went by.

The second session I told her about

how I spent a summer working with inner-city kids.

The third session we both spoke nothing but French.

The fourth session I made her laugh so hard she fell out of her chair.

So by the time the fifth session came around...

Still no.

Still no.

What's up with that? I mean, I juggled.

You juggled?

I thought you were trying to impress her.

You do magic.

How is juggling any lamer than magic?

Magic's not lame.

- I don't get it. I mean... - Is this lame?

We said no fireballs at the table.

What the hell is wrong with you?

There's alcohol in here.

- Barney... - I...

We've talked about this.

- It's a fire code violation. - Yeah, but Ted provoked me.

No, you are on a time-out. Go sit over there.

- But... - Go!

Anyway... I don't get it.

She should be into me by now.

You know, you can do this, Ted.

I said that I would stop biting my nails, and kablam-ey.

It's just a challenge.

It can't be easy to woo someone while

you're sticking your naked butt in their face.

Works for baboons.

It's called "presenting. "

I got four sessions left.

There's got to be an angle I'm not seeing.

You can't turn a "no" into a "yes", Ted. Can't be done.

I don't know, Barney. I mean, sometimes persistence pays off.

- I said "yes" eventually. - No, you didn't.

You were like, "No, we can't,

we're friends. It would mess up the dynamic

- of the group. " - To Ted.

Oh, right.

Wait a second. Wait a second, I got the angle.

Sir, please don't yell at me,

because when people yell at me, I have a tendency to start crying.

Please don't do it.

Abby, I've told you before.

When they're rude to you, hang up the phone.

Go on, you can do this, hang up.

Hang it up.

I am too busy to waste my time...

I'm sorry, I just wish that some of the patients would be nicer to you.

The receptionist. That's my way in.

I like this.

Seduce the receptionist. That's a great plan.

That's not the plan.

And how would that help me with Stella?

Who?

Here's the plan.

Hi. Here.

I stopped...

Hi, I stopped for coffee and I...

and I thought I'd grab you something.

Oh, wow, thank you, that's so nice.

You're like a knight.

I should call you Sir Ted.

What?

Nothing. Nothing. It's really stupid.

Um, Dr. Zinman, Ted's here.

Thanks. Thanks, Abby.

And now we wait.

And sure enough, by session seven,

she saw me in a whole new light.

Okay, I'm about to break my big rule here.

Break it.

Abby goes bowling with her church group

every Wednesday night...

and she really wanted to invite you, but she's too shy.

Abby is...?

My receptionist.

You really made quite an impression on her with the coffee the other day.

I mean, she has really not stopped talking about you.

Oh, Abby.

I thought you said "Alan. "

But you just said, "Abby is...?"

Right.

Right, I thought I said "Alan. "

Who's Alan?

Who's Abby?

My receptionist.

Exactly.

What is happening?

You just got to be yourself, no more gimmicks.