Born Loser

The cuts. You've heard about 'em. Okay?

We've been making 'em, the past few weeks.

You might be feeling scared and the rumor mills are going.

All right? Just got off the phone with the board.

Three hours, very difficult conversation.

The news I have to deliver today

is that we are shutting down the company.

Okay? This is coming as a shock to many of you.

I can see that. All right.

I know we probably didn't do a very good job preparing you,

but if we were to keep going at the current rate.

So this is to kinda get you on the inside

of our decision here.

If we to keep going at the current rate,

we would not be able to pay

the full salaries of the founding team,

which as you all know, that does include me.

So I'm gonna keep getting paid. I'm fine.

Don't worry about me, don't worry about me.

You're all fired effective immediately.

But I do not want that to take away

from today's presentation.

We've got Hubey here presenting his passion

and it looks like inventions.

I mean, who wouldn't be stoked about that?

Take it away. We got time.

We got like 20 minutes for this.

Got a tee time at 2:00 PM.

So, tight 20 would be nice.

Just catch the content.

Breeze on outta here.

And then I've got an appointment to get some pizza

with my wife later tonight.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I think you have the wrong car.

Hubert Horton?

Yeah.

Your vehicle, it's been recalled.

Safety purposes.

What?

You can't just take my car.

Actually yeah, we can.

Once it's been deemed a safety liability,

we're free to repossess the vehicle at any time.

It was in your lease.

You'll be contacted about a replacement

in a couple weeks or so.

What?

I don't understand.

How did you even know where my car was?

- We track the locations of all of our vehicles.

That way we can sell the data to advertisers.

It was stated pretty clearly in that lease, Mr. Horton.

Anywho, have a good day.

Excuse me. - May I help you?

Yeah.

I was looking for warm pockets.

They're normally over here.

You mean Hot Pockets?

Yeah, they're right over there.

No, no. Not the Hot Pockets.

Warm Pockets.

- The ones with the vent so that you don't burn your mouth.

- I don't think we have those, but hold on, let me ask.

Hey Zach.

Yeah. Do we have a, what is it again?

Warm Pockets. - Warm Pockets?

No, no, no. Not Hot Pockets.

Oh yeah, figures.

Sorry sir. Those were discontinued.

You could just buy regular Hot Pockets

and let 'em sit out for a while.

Okay.

Thanks anyways.

Hello.

Sorry. Sorry.

That's all right.

Laundry day is way overdue.

This thing should come with backpack straps or something.

Michael, just had a breakthrough.

How you doing buddy? Let's get you some food.

Eat up.

Hello.

Hi there, is this Hubert Horton?

Look, if this is a robot-

I'm not a robot.

My name is Dr. Terry Martin.

I work for a research group called Cherchez.

Based on your Walgreens purchase records,

you appear to be a good candidate for-

- How did you get my Walgreens purchase records?

We bought them.

I didn't know you could buy those.

I'm sure you agreed to it

when you join the rewards program,

but that's not the point of the call.

Okay. - We're offering $200

to consumers such as yourself

that are willing to come in for a few hours,

take some tests and answer a couple of questions.

This has gotta be a scam or something.

I assure you we're a hundred percent legitimate.

Did you ever hear the study about how left-handed people

are more likely to drown?

Yeah.

My sister actually had to get swim lessons because of that.

Fantastic. That was us.

Now we have an office ad.

Hubert Horton.

Hubey is fine.

Hmm, that's a fun name.

Alliterative.

That's kind of a fun word too.

Yeah.

Anyway, thanks for coming in Hubey.

I'm gonna ask you a few questions, okay?

Sure. That's fine.

Okay.

Can you state your full name and age?

Hubert Horton. 30-years-old.

Okay, and your job?

- I was in IT, but as of last week, I'm unemployed.

Were you let go?

No, no. The company went out of business.

Interesting.

Are you married, Hubey?

No.

Girlfriend?

No.

Okay.

Onto the real questions.

Sorry for the wait, Hubey.

It's okay.

- So I have some good news and some bad news.

Good news is we've ran your answers through our program

and you are our highest percentage match up to date.

So congratulations!

Match for what?

Well, that's the bad news.

Depending on your perspective.

So you know, positive thinking.

What do you mean?

Based off your answers

and the purchase records we got from Walgreens,

you are a perfect example for what we deem

a harbinger customer.

You know what a harbinger is Hubey?

I thought it was pronounced harbinger.

It's not.

So what does it mean?

- In short, you have an affinity for things that fail.

Grocery items, clothing brands,

political candidates, automobiles.

They also make less money on average,

shorter lifespans, fewer sexual partners.

I don't think I'm being clear.

Do you know how companies have focus groups

where they test products on people to see what they like?

Yeah.

You would be terrible for that.

Now we don't know if you were born this way

or if it developed at some point,

but that's why we're doing this study.

I thought you said there was good news.

I did?

- You said that depending on your perspective

and if I think positively about it, it would be good.

Hmm. Well...

I guess you wouldn't have no problem finding

a good going on a business sale.

Am I right?

Hell you'll probably be in the store when it closes.

So any make plans for the rest of the day?

I'm just gonna do a little bit of work.

Oh, I thought you were unemployed.

- I am, but I'm also an inventor in my free time.

I like your attitude.

Oh, you're being serious?

I thought you was being ironic because of the study results.

Well, good luck.

Hello.

Hi, is this Hubert Horton.

Hubey, actually.

Hi Hubey. This is Darren Nobler.

I'm the hiring manager at Consensus Limited.

Yeah, hi. How are you doing?

Well, I've been better.

I'm calling because I think your resume is really impressive

and you seem like you'd be a great fit.

Thank you. I am a big fan of the company.

That's nice to hear.

But because you're a great candidate,

I didn't wanna string you along.

String me along?

This is just between you and me, Hubey,

but we just got word yesterday,

actually got the email right after I sat down your resume.

And it seems like our CEO's been embezzling funds

to support a second family in Norway.