Queer As Folk

Hey, see that guy?

He just turned 30.

Wow.

That's what you're going to look like

in a couple days, Mikey.

Oh, don't listen to him. You look like you're ten.

Yeah, but this strange thing happens on your 30th.

You look great the night before,

but then you wake up the next morning,

and your ass is down to there, and your dick disappears.

Well, I'm 33. What does that make me

uh, did you guys just hear something?

Like a voice from the dead?

I'm glad I didn't move in with David.

I don't know how much time I have left.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, perhaps you were lured by the prospect

of all that chiropractic sex.

The sex wasn't that great.

I seem to remember something about a "talented tongue."

Yeah, and uh, "fantastic fingers".

Orgasms that wouldn't quit.

All right, the sex was great.

It's just...

It gets boring, you know,

with the same person, after a while.

Well, I wouldn't know.

Well, now I'm ready to do all those things

you can't do with a boyfriend,

like go to the clubs, and go out dancing.

Go home alone.

Hey, busboy!

Do you think we could get some water?

What is he doing here?

Isn't he adorable?

The customers love him.

His ass gets more compliments than the burgers.

'Cause his buns are fresh.

Jesus.

You live in my room at my mother's house.

You work where I eat.

I can't get rid of you, can I?

Blame him.

He's the one who's making me do this.

He's just paying off the charges he made

on my credit card.

Couldn't you send him to prison?

This is worse.

Where's David?

Um, I think he had a patient.

Don't bullshit me.

It ran its course, Deb. Leave it alone.

Okay.

So, Emmett,

how about those blueberry-banana pancakes you love, honey?

Ooh, yes. Yum.

Ugh, why did I eat those goddamn pancakes?

They're repeating more than I Love Lucy.

I need to go refill my Claritin.

Hey, did you see that guy?

Honey, my gaydar went off the minute he walked in.

I had sex with him.

- You did not. - Did too.

Stop it.

Tell me every detail.

All right, it was six months ago, after work.

I stopped off to pick up some bottled water on the way home.

That was before I started using the Brita filter.

Okay, not every detail.

- Sorry. - No problem.

Don't want to face the morning without water.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, mm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's the story.

I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off.

It was late.

I probably looked good to him

'cause he didn't have his contacts in.

Honey, take it any way you can.

Oh, I did.

I'm still on the Crixivan,

that's not a problem?

Good, you won't have any side effects.

And then just take two of these

he must be positive.

That's why he has such a good body.

They put them on steroids, you know

what

you were safe, weren't you?

Mike we need you in the back.

There's a fire.

A... a fire holy shit.

Where's the fire?

Over here!

Surprise!

Happy Birthday.

You guys, how did you...

Tracy found out.

She knows everything about you.

Uh, really?

Not everything.

Make a wish.

You're an old man now.

Happy Birthday, Mike.

Happy Birthday, Mike.

They threw a party for me at work today.

Aww.

That's cute.

Right, like that's supposed to make me happy,

knowing that all my best years are behind me.

You're not planning some hideous birthday surprise, are you?

Why would I want to celebrate a tragic event like that?

Good, 'cause I want that day to pass

without a single reminder

that I'll never be young and cute again.

Well, maybe you should have kept the good doctor around.

You'll always be younger than him.

And cuter.

I thought you couldn't stand him.

When did I ever say that?

Every chance you got.

Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.

Well, now's a hell of a time to tell me.

Why? You didn't break up with him on account of me, did you?

Course not.

That's good.

'Cause we can't spend the rest of our fucking lives

hanging out together.

How could you do that? How could you just lapse?

I wasn't thinking.

There was no time to think.

Well, that's no excuse.

I always have a condom, spermicidal lubricant...

A bottle of hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel, great.

So you're the safe-sex poster boy

and I'm the happy hooker.

I'm just saying, you have to be careful.

All right, already.

I'm serious.

If anything ever happened to you...

You're too important to me.

Thanks, Em.

Okay, let's roll up those sleeves.

Hi.

You're not a regular patient here, are you?

He's not a regular anything.

I'm just getting tested for moral support.

I... I make a point of getting tested every six months.

I'm silly, really, 'cause most of my sex is cyber.

Ow! Ow!

What's your insurance situation?

Um, I'll pay by check.

Address, phone number, right on top.

- Can we just do this? - He's nervous.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

That's what I told him.

Okay. We're all done.

And now...

We wait.

- Sunshine. - Hmm?

Here, take these on up to your room.

- Okey-doke. - My room.

Come on, sweetie.

Back off, huh?

You're about to be 30 years old.

So old.

Don't remind me.

- What are those? - His meds.

I thought you just got some.

Those little bottles don't go far

when you're popping 50 pills a day.

You're on your last refill.

I'll call the doctor.

Speaking of doctors...

That's a subtle segue.

Look, I don't want to discuss this.

It doesn't concern you.

Oh, no?

I just lost a potential son-in-law.

All you lost was free treatment for osteoporosis.

Michael Charles Novotny.

Uh-oh, middle name, look out.

You listen to me, and you listen carefully.

Do not fuck this up.

Now, I want you to call David right now

and apologize to him for whatever it is you did.

What makes you think I did anything?

I'm your mother.

Mom, David and I had nothing in common

except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one,

and I had to give up my entire life.

I couldn't see my friends.

I couldn't go to clubs.

Good.

Get out before they kick you out,

before you turn invisible.

See? Listen to your uncle.

Huh, you want to be like him?

You know what I mean.