Doctor Odyssey

A hospital in New Haven

reporting Connecticut's first ever case of the novel coronavirus.

So, against all odds, I lived. And because I lived,

I decided that I was gonna pursue joy. At all costs.

- Guys, I have an unresponsive patient! - -What's going on?

Bad call, man. You're her superior.

You understand? That's like a fireable offense.

If you wanted talk about what happened...

I don't have to talk about what happened. Do you wanna talk--

Oh. No, no, no. If you're good, I'm good.

-We're great. -Okay. We're good.

-Yeah, it's good. -Yeah, good.

As I made crystal clear in my email, Corey,

I wanted fresh peonies placed in every room two hours before arrival.

And seeing as this boat is a buyout for my wedding,

I was shocked when we arrived and I saw windows open.

Tell me, Corey, tell me, Corey, how is the smell of fresh peonies

supposed to suffuse the air if the windows are open?

I'm so sorry. Our guests usually like the fresh air.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Oh, wow.

Hello.

Oh, wow. Come lay out with your mama. Take a load off.

-Baby oil? -Uh-huh.

What, so I can look like an old leather tanning boot before I'm 30?

Pass.

You really should try a self-tanner, I've been telling you.

I don't spray, I lay.

Thirty years of cruising, Mama knows how to get a tan.

I'm getting married!

All right. Give it up for the best man. Bennet.

Hey, everyone. So, this dude, Eric,

has been my best friend since seventh grade.

And he is very nervous that I'm gonna say something embarrassing,

like how many girls he slept with at Sig Alph

but I'm not gonna do that,

- 'cause it was way too many to count.

- Way too many. But, seriously... - Make him shut up.

-He's just messing around. -Eric, it's embarrassing.

It's not true. Come on.

-It's not funny either. -Hey. Come on. It's fine.

Where's Mom?

This is the welcome dinner. She's just missing it?

And he bought me a house.

I don't have great credit... ...in case anyone wonders...

-Are you crying, Cap? -No.

Maybe.

So what if I am?

I'm a sucker for love.

These antiquated mating rituals are not about love anymore.

They're about money, Instagram likes, and making your single friends jealous.

Look at them all, they're miserable. Especially the bride and groom.

I don't know. I always thought my wedding day...

Well, never mind.

-Say it. -No. You made yourself abundantly clear.

- You're just gonna make fun of me.

Fine. I always thought my wedding day would be the proudest day of my life.

Didn't the president give you an award for saving infants with club feet?

-Cleft palates. -Oh.

And it was the UN Secretary-General.

I'd like to get married one day. Have a big family.

Six little Tristans running around. Oh. Can you picture it?

- That's an admirable goal. - Huh.

The world needs more love. Lots of love. All different kinds of love.

I'm for it.

What's so wrong about celebrating it?

I love you, Eric.

I really do.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Cheers, everyone. Yeah. Cheers!

Where is Mom?

This is insane.

I don't know. Just try to enjoy yourself, all right?

It's an extreme sunburn. Second-degree burns,

blistering on both of her limbs.

Sleepy Sun Syndrome. We've seen it a thousand times.

But never like this.

-Sweet mother of-- -The bride.

Mother of the bride!

The ceremony is in-in three days. You have to help me.

Deep breaths, Ellen.

Let's give her four of morphine, tetanus shot, and hang lactated Ringer's.

It just doesn't make sense. I never burn.

I live in South Florida. I know how to lay out.

Are you on any new medications? Or maybe a new skin care routine?

I-I-I don't know. I started some antibiotic crap a couple weeks ago.

-Doxycycline? -Doxy... What?

I'm not a scientist.

It's for my rosacea. I didn't want to look red in the pictures. Well...

Tetracycline antibiotics can cause severe photosensitivity.

It's like developing an allergy to the sun.

Jesus wept. Just stick me with an EpiPen,

I have to look good for this wedding.

We're gonna give you something for the pain, something to reduce inflammation.

- And these blisters... - Watch it!

...are going to rupture and peel.

-This is gonna ruin everything. -Mrs. Parsons, I don't want you to worry.

We here at The Odyssey are experts in sunburn care.

And I'd bet that somewhere under that redness

there is a beautiful, golden, Riviera tan just waiting to be set free.

Oh, Lord, I hope so.

'Cause that girl's gonna cook my goose if I show up looking like this.

Please don't come in. - Don't listen to her.

-Just come in. Thank you. Come on in. -Hi.

-Oh, my God. Please don't look. -You're okay. Talk to me. What's going on?

-His thing is stuck and won't come out. -She won't let me out.

-It closed like a bear trap. -It's like... in it.

-It's been like this for a while. -Deep breaths, both of you.

What you're experiencing is a condition called Penis Captivus.

- What? Penis what? - Captivus.

It's a stress response.

The vaginal muscle spasms and firmly closes.

If the penis remains engorged, it can exacerbate the situation.

Just give us one sec. So...

We need to get her to relax, but the more she tries, the worse this is gonna get.

We gotta get her to focus on something else.

Having an audience isn't helping. I have an idea.

There should be an endoscopic balloon dilator in the triage bag.

-That's a great idea. -Manual separation, very good.

Maybe you can cue up one of those famous, long-winded Max Bankman stories

just for good measure.

- Deyja? - Yes.

This device is called a balloon catheter.

I want you to gently insert this end as best as you can, okay?

Oh, my God.

And I am going to slowly inflate the balloon

and try to coax the vaginal walls to open.

Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.

Probably the stupidest thing you've seen in your whole life.

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Let me tell you about something embarrassing.

So, when I was a kid I loved to play ding-dong ditch.

You know that game? Where you press the doorbell and run away.

-Yeah, sure. -Uh-huh.

This one time, I'm nine years old. Pushed the doorbell, I'm running away.

Just about to turn the corner and I see these two cops.

Their shadows there on the pavement.

Big dudes, flat tops. The whole nine yards. And I'm terrified.

My heart is in my throat.

And I just know, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

My life is over. These guys are gonna bust me."

I'm looking around, "Where am I gonna go?" And I see the alley.

And I think, "This is it. This is my chance to escape."

So I screw up all of my courage, I take one step and boom!

All the lights come on.

Klieg lights everywhere. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

And I turn around knowing I'm busted and...

-What? -What happened?

No cops.

Just two brooms laying up against the fence.

-Two brooms? -There was nobody even in the house.

There wasn't anybody home.

- Oh, my God. - Hey.

- It's out. - There it is.

Oh, my Gosh. Thank you.

Oh. Hey, but... Can I get, like, your Instagram handle just so we can...

- Really? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Oh. Thanks, Doc.

Hey, Bennet, uh, can I see you down in the infirmary?

-Just for a quick follow-up. -Yeah. Sure, man.

Thanks.

Okay, what is going on?

You look properly bugged out. And that looks like garden-variety eczema.

It's not.

Bennet, are you familiar with Trichophyton mentagrophytes type seven?

-No. -More commonly known as ringworm.

It's usually a garden-variety fungal infection, nothing to be worried about,

but there is a rare strain, spread through skin-to-skin contact

that I saw while I was in Africa.

Left untreated, it can have some pretty serious symptoms, including blindness.

The good news is, because we caught it early,

cultured it to be exactly sure, yours will not be left untreated.

-There is a drug. -Bad news is, we don't have it on hand.

But we can get it at the next port.

In the meantime I'm gonna give you clotrimazole cream

that will bring down the itchiness and redness.

-Okay. -And, mate, no more pulling tail.

That's what weddings are for. Thank you.

No. No. No. This strain is highly, highly contagious.

Anyone you've had sexual contact with is gonna need to be alerted,

including Deyja.

We can do it on your behalf, if you prefer.

I'm fine. I, uh, I'm not a complete jackass.

I'll handle it. Thank you.

Look at all these happy wedding guests.

Marriage causes nothing but agony. I stand by it.

Come on, you have never wanted to fall in love?

I thought about it once.

And? What changed your mind?

I went through with it.

You... Wait, hold on. You?

- You were married? - Yes. Yes.

For the briefest of moments. This does not leave this circle.

Of course. Your secret's safe with me.

So long as you tell me all the scintillating details.

Scintillating, it was not. It was a depressingly short story.

Even better. I'm a very busy doctor, as you can see.

I had known Kevin since kindergarten.

And he was funny and charming,