Superior Donuts

Hey, good morning, Randy. What can I get you?

Something to throw up in.

Arthur, she needs the puke bucket.

Which one? Saint Patrick's Day or Cubs season opener?

I just looked at my Facebook.

My ex-husband is running around Europe with his new girlfriend.

Literally. They just jogged from Belgium to Luxembourg.

Aw, what a beautiful couple.

Of insensitive jerks.

Girlfriend, you got to get on Facebook

and show him how great your life is.

She already did.

Yesterday she posted

about her new big purchase, pans.

Did you say "pants"?

No. (scoffs) That was Tuesday.

- The stretch corduroys? - Yeah.

I was excited for you.

Randy, it's simple.

You need to make your life look better than your ex's.

My Iraqi cousins who follow me on Instagram

think that I'm the owner of the Chicago Bulls

and I'm married to a Kardashian.

I hang out in a donut shop with you people.

What is so exciting about that?

Hey, excuse me,

but these napkin dispensers happen to be brand new.

Who says you can't exaggerate a little?

I happen to be a wiz with Photoshop.

I can make it look like you're anywhere in the world.

I don't know.

This is why I'm on a social media detox.

All those "likes" and "retweets"

are just another form of instant gratification.

I don't need that. Where's my damn donut?!

Franco, it's here, your letter from Dearborn College.

I thought you already got in.

Oh, now it's my financial aid package.

Now I'll find out if I can actually afford to go.

I'm so nervous.

That's why I brought you some homemade cookies.

No, man. I'm too anxious for that.

What I really need is some weed.

Just eat the cookies.

All right, here we go.

"Dear Mr. Wicks. You've been awarded a package of grants,

"loans, and work-study that are the equivalent of"...

First year tuition! I'm covered!

Boom! Let's celebrate. Pass me the cookies.

That's terrific, Franco.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's this?

"Additional fees not included?"

Facilities fee, a health plan fee,

art supplies fee? That's almost $3,000!

Now I'm depressed. Pass me the cookies.

Yo, Arthur, can I get an advance?

Again? I gave you four in the last two months.

You got to figure something else out.

You need to find some more income, baby.

Franco, how much do you and Sweatpants pay for rent?

$800.

How much of that do you pay?

$800.

Okay, I know where this is going,

but Franco does not have time for a second job.

No, he doesn't, but you have time for a first one.

I've had plenty of jobs. I was Santa for Christmas.

I was the Easter Bunny on Easter.

And I know I was Baby New Year for something.

Yo, I hate to say this, but Arthur's right.

You got to find a job, a steady one.

Fine. Guess I'll update my résumé.

All right.

Does "making weed cookies" go under skills or hobbies?

Okay. Here's the plan.

I take your picture, we drop it into a bunch

of fancy European locations, and voilà .

Your ex goes full-on FoMO,

which means "fear of missing out"

and not what you're thinking, Fawz.

Hey, man, I'm not FoMO-phobic.

Okay, first, you're in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Come on, loosen up.

You just spent the day wandering the Champs-Elysées,

enjoying vichyssoise and Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

What?

You saw a mime and it's cool.

- Oh! - (phone camera clicks)

Now you're in the Louvre looking at the Mona Lisa.

Ah.

Ooh, but it's smaller than you thought.

Oh.

All right.

Time for some Photoshop magic.

Ay! I just got a text from Sweatpants, man.

He got a job.

- Already? That was quick. - Yeah.

Well, wasn't that quick. It took seven years, dude.

Have you guys been living together that long?

Yeah, when my dad kicked me out, I moved in with his family

till I found my own place.

And then when his folks moved back to Maryland,

he moved in with me. Dude's like my brother.

So where's he working?

At a retirement home. You know what this means?

When he comes home at night, he's gonna smell weird?

It means I'm gonna be rolling in it.

Okay, perfect!

Take a look.

Oh, wow. It really looks like I'm in Paris.

Wait till Paul sees this.

While you're at it,

you think you could put my head on Ryan Gosling's body?

For your wife?

Sure, for my wife.

Woo! There he is.

Where have you been?

We got to play Medieval Dead.

I've been waiting for you so we can crack level 19.

Cool. But look, man. I got you some donuts so we can celebrate.

My favorite kind.

Free!

So, uh, what are we celebrating?

Your new job.

Oh, yeah, about that.

- I'm not taking the job. - What the...?

The hell, man?

Well, in the interview they said

I could be Assistant Activities Director.

And I was like, "Bingo!" because you know old people love Bingo.

So I go to orientation today,

and they say I got to wear these-these baggy scrubs.

Why would I want to hide these natural curves?

You always do this, man.

Any time you get an opportunity, you just blow it away.

Like that time you quit the job being a limo driver.

I wasn't allowed to talk.

Or-or the time you quit being a tour guide.

Sometimes I get shy.

Come on, dude, l-look.

The minute I find a job that's fulfilling, I am there.

No, no, man. So I got to wait for you to be fulfilled

before I can pay for art school?

You know what?

Ever since you got into college,

you've been walking around here like you Ving Rhames.

Ay, don't-don't start with that right now, man.

You think you're better than me, and I'm just dragging you down.

You're not dragging me down,

but look, I got all these new bills, dude.

And I-I need a roommate who can pay his share of the rent.

So what are you saying? Are you-you kicking me out?

You're not giving me much of a choice, dude.

Wow. I thought we were friends.

Well, friends don't spend seven years freeloading, do they?

Freeloading? I do tons of stuff for you.

I wake you up in the morning for work,

I cook, I wash the dish.

Thank you.

But is any of that gonna help me pay for college?

Well, if that's how you feel,

I'll gather my things and leave.

- These are all your things. - Yeah, I just realized that.

Okay, well, you know what, packing will be a breeze.

May I borrow a suitcase?

Look, you ain't got to leave right this second.

Where you gonna stay?

Mm-mm. Don't worry about me.

I don't need your help. I don't need anybody's help.

I need your help.

It's after midnight. What's going on?

Franco kicked me out.

So either I sleep on your couch or in a Dumpster.

I recommend the one behind the mattress shop.

Hey, hey!

This is all your fault.

You're the reason he turned against me.

With all your crazy ideas about me being useful and productive.

All right, fine. You've got three days.

- (crash) - Sorry!

You've got two days.

Hello, Arthur. I will have a maple cream, please.

We're doing self-serve today.

Just grab a donut, leave the money.

What about my change?

Just take it out of the Cancer Fund box.

What's wrong? Why are you so out of it?

Sweatpants kept me up all damn night.

You could've warned me about the sleepwalking.

And also the sleep eating.

Well, you know what he's never done

is "sleep pay the cable bill."

Thank God he's only staying another two days.

Hey, look, I feel bad kicking him out, you know,

but I need the cash.

And I already found a new roommate off the bulletin board at my school.

The dude Venmo'd me two months' rent already.

- Is he a husky Polynesian fella? - How'd you know?

He's staring at you through the window.

Zale!