Shifting Gears

Georgia, how about you get off your phone and help clean up?

Probably too busy flipping NFTs on a Blockchain.

I know things.

No, I was reading this five-star review of Mom's coffee shop.

-But I'll stop. -Bup, bup, bup. Go on.

"The best coffee ever.

Love seeing a girlboss in the neighborhood."

Ooh, "girlboss"! Haven't heard that about me before.

I've heard, "Do you know this girl, boss?"

After I was caught shoplifting ham.

A whole ham?

We don't have to talk about the ham.

I was just trying to make Christmas special for you guys.

Mom, you're killing it.

You have a 4.9 rating.

That's almost as high as my GPA.

Why isn't it five?

Mrs. Palmer doesn't like that I pointed out

that she went to Arizona State.

Oh, you?

Just one bad review.

What?

I don't give bad reviews. I say stuff in person.

For instance, as a daughter, you're kind of annoying.

But overall, I would recommend.

Aw.

So, uh, what does it say?

Who cares?

It's just some loser at home behind a screen with no friends.

Sometimes he makes it too easy.

Carter, what are you doing tonight?

Six-seven.

I guess it's my fault 'cause I asked, huh?

Georgia, we should get going.

You sure you don't want to go to the movies, Dad?

If I wanted sticky floors and garbage everywhere,

I'd just go to Carter's room.

Come on. You haven't gone out since Eve left.

Hang out with a friend.

I recently read a study about male friendship.

-You read a study? -Okay. I saw a meme.

Hey, Pops. I'm going to play mini-golf

with the Bro DiMaggios. You want in?

Heh-heh. Six-seven.

This jerk, AJ89, gave Klatch one star.

Even the DMV's got one and a half.

So, what did this AJ89 say?

"Not sure what's worse,

the coffee or the fake smile plastered on the owner's face."

But-- uh!

My smile's not fake.

It's forced, but it means it when it gets there.

Oh. Hi, welcome to Klatch Cafe.

Hi. I'll take a triple espresso.

Or, as I call it, a panic attack in a cup.

Okay.

Well, today we're doing a fun promotion

where you write your Yelp username on a napkin,

and in exchange you get... the napkin.

Never seen you here before.

Yeah, I just moved back recently.

Nice to see all the new businesses,

especially the ones that sell drugs.

Haven't done that since high school.

Or as we called it, Valley Village Extremely High.

Valley Village. Go big V.

Ah! Go big V!

Suck it, Burbank High

and your low teen-pregnancy rate.

-I'm Pete Holterman. -Riley Parker.

Parker? Hm. Shot in the dark.

Any relation to Matt Parker?

Of Parker Customs and Restorations?

Oh, God. Are you serving me papers?

Also, he was probably allowed to say it when he said it.

Hey, Dad.

-Not now, please. -Look who I found.

Mad Dog Matt Parker.

Pistol Pete Holterman, buddy!

-Hey. -Hey.

-How are you? Man. -Ah.

The first freshman ever got on the varsity team

and celebrated by flushing his own head in the toilet.

-I did. - Yeah, yeah.

I haven't seen this guy

since he won Most Improved Player at the fall banquet.

I believe you gave credit to Coach Jenkins,

your teammates, and Ronald Reagan.

Yeah, I thought my life had peaked then,

but turns out America had peaked then.

-Ah. -You met my daughter, Riley,

who works right outside the door here

and lives inches from me with no rent.

Of course. Fellow Valley Village grad.

That's right, that's right.

I'll let you two catch up.

Okay, good. Uh-- Sit down, sit down. Sit.

Oh, well, maybe just for a sec.

-Oh, it sure is good to see you. -Good to see you, too.

So, what have you been up to since we both had mullets?

Whose idea was it to put bangs on our neck?

Well, wow. Um, well, I took this, uh, machine shop over from my dad.

Turned it into a custom car shop.

Sadly, a recent widower.

-Oh. I'm sorry. -Yeah. My best work is out there.

-Yeah. Riley seems awesome. -No. The cars.

I was talking about the cars.

Listen, last I heard, uh,

you'd moved back east to go to college, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I was in sales for a while.

-Then I moved to France. -Ooh.

Got really into art, smoking, and being rude to tourists.

Wow, this was going so well,

then you mentioned the F word.

You got a family? You got kids or anything?

No kids, but I married...

my husband, Damien, about 15 years ago.

Wow. So the old balls and chain.

That, I was not expecting.

Honestly, I really appreciate

that you didn't make a big deal out of it.

Well, why would I? That's who you are, right?

It's not like I didn't know in high school.

Everybody knew, man.

You dressed like Boy George a lot.

-Well-- Yeah. -Halloween.

Thanksgiving. Choir practice.

Okay.

Look, I think part of the reason

that I was keeping such a low profile

is I didn't know how the guys on the team would react.

Understandable, wasn't the most empathetic of times.

If the coach had seen you fall down from dehydration,

he would have said,

"What, do you want to sit under a parasol?"

Yeah. And if we needed water, he'd say, "What are you, gay?"

Maybe that's what turned me.

Hey, this has been nice. I'm sorry to cut it short.

I got to get going, though.

Oh, it is so good to see you. It really is.

Listen, why don't we get a drink sometime?

Oh, thanks, Matt, but I quit drinking.

That's another story. Also involves a parasol.

Doesn't matter. Thanks.

-You bet. -Ah, heck.

You know what? My husband owns an art gallery.

He's got an opening tomorrow. Why don't you bring Riley?

Perfect. That'd be great.

Is it real art or just people taping bananas to a wall?

No, that's a different party. You're not invited to that.

What's with the music? Is this Klatch after dark?

I'm amping up the vibes, and there's a lot more to come.

I'm looking into mimes.

Well, I think the music slaps, Mom.

And the smoke machine is a nice touch.

What? I don't have a smoke machine.

Or fire insurance!

She's never gonna let those bad reviews go.

You know what we could do?

Drive to Tijuana and get veneers?

What? I thought there were no bad ideas.

Clearly, there are.

We can write a bunch of fake good reviews

to bury the bad ones. It's called review farming.

It's like when they hire some hot girls

to stand outside the club.

Then when you get inside,

ain't nothing but dudes and fours.

Alright, how's this for a review?

"I love Klatch Cafe.

"Fun fact. You know who drinks decaf?

De-cows."

And send.

-How many have you done? -Including this one? One.

But don't worry, I have a good one coming up

where I rhyme latte with hottie.

"No. Ask Carter to help.

He's your brother. It'll be good."

Whoa! You guys look great. Party or night court?

We were invited to an art gallery.

Your grandfather has a gay friend.

You don't need to qualify that.

I don't introduce you as my divorced, broke daughter.

True. You leave the daughter part out.

That's very open-minded of you, Pops.

Is your friend gay or queer?

You can't say that word.

Oh, is your "associate" gay or queer?

These days, a lot of LGBTQ people prefer the word queer.

Okay. The only time the letter "Q" should be used

is when it's preceded by "BB."

The real Q is,

how does Grandpa have a friend?

You know, for your information, I have a lot of friends.

I just don't like any of 'em.

Oh, wow. This looks great.

What a hip crowd.

So many fun hats and glasses.

So, this is where they all go between protests?

Dad, let's not make assumptions.