The Cool Kids

Okay, boys, this one's for Jerry.

May he rest in peace.

One for me, one for you, and one for you.

D-Do not peer pressure me. I haven't taken my pills yet.

Do you know what happens when you mix

prescription drugs and alcohol?

Yeah, a good time.

I wouldn't do it. I once mixed six tabs of acid

with some New England hard cider.

Long story short,

I can't eat apples with my clothes on anymore.

Let's raise a glass.

Jerry, what can I say?

You were the most ornery, foul-mouthed,

mentally deranged son of a bitch I ever met,

and thank God I did.

- We're gonna miss you, old pal. - Yeah, we are.

To Jerry.

- To Jerry. - To Jerry!

So, should we talk replacements?

Have you lost your mind?

Well, it is a prime seat. We got to move fast.

Now, look, guys, you know we can never replace Jerry.

The man was a legend. So I say we honor his legacy

the way it should be honored, with an empty seat.

Do you mind?

It has been a bitch of a morning.

Uh, hey, baby, you must be lost.

Don't start, flyboy.

I'm not in the mood and I am not interested.

Look, lady, I don't know who you are,

but you can't sit there.

Why not? Who are you guys, the cool kids?

Damn straight we are.

You... Really?

Him? Wow.

I don't know where you came from,

but you can't sit wherever you want.

You got to be invited.

He's right. You have to earn that spot.

Fine. I'll arm wrestle you for it.

- Fine. - Wait, wait, S-Sid. Ooh.

Did better than I thought.

Look, you gots to go.

That seat belongs to Jerry.

Is that right? Where is this Jerry?

Good morning, Shady Meadows.

I'm sorry to announce that Jerry Walsh

passed away yesterday.

There'll be free balloons and a cheese plate

available in his memory. Have a nice day.

Jerry?

What is your problem?

Why you want to sit at our table so bad, anyway?

You know, honestly, I don't,

but then you told me that I couldn't.

So now you are gonna need a hearse to drag me out of here

because nobody tells me what to do.

Nobody.

You want me to arm-wrestle her again?

I think I'm getting a second wind.

That woman is violent.

I think she broke my elbow.

Times sure have changed.

I mean, in the '50s, a woman wouldn't dare

just come sit at our table like that.

In the '50s, you wouldn't have been allowed in the restaurant.

I'd have been allowed in, but I'd have had

to talk like this.

Plus, she disrespected Jerry.

And speaking of Jerry,

we need to talk about his memorial service.

Why do we have to talk about it?

Aren't they gonna give him one?

A cheese plate and balloons is not a service.

- Jerry liked to party. - Yeah.

He would want something epic.

You know, like kegs and a DJ, fireworks,

people getting butt naked up in here.

We need to throw something like a Burning Man.

You want to burn a man?

No, it's a sex festival in the desert.

I go every year.

Well, Allison is not gonna let you throw a party.

She runs this place like Alcatraz.

Don't worry about Allison. We gonna go around her.

Yeah, but a party like that's gonna cost a lot of dough.

Money?

Oh, that's not gonna be a problem.

Well, why? You came into some scratch?

Well... I got this.

Is that Jerry's credit card?

How the hell did you get Jerry's credit card?

Well, how does anything happen, Hank?

You're not the only one with good ideas.

Why is this still loose?

Hey, do you know where the supply closet is?

No, nuh-uh. Do you know how to fix a table?

Psst! Come on, over here.

Hurry up, man, come on.

Sorry to be so sneaky,

but you probably do this all the time.

Not really.

Okay. Can I get your credit card?

Yes, you may.

And, uh, I am Mr. Jerry Walsh.

Okay. And a photo ID?

Say what now?

I mean, obviously, you're old enough.

It's just company policy. Is that gonna be a problem?

No, that's not gonna be a problem.

I mean, why would it be a problem? You know.

I'm sure I got it here somewhere... somewhere.

- Run! - Run? I haven't run in 30 years.

You can do it.

No, actually, I can't. I've got three fake hips

'cause of a bet I lost to that doctor in Costa Rica.

All right, look, on my cue, we're gonna snatch

that credit card and make a break for it.

- I'm sorry. Where were we, now? - Just to let you know,

I could hear everything you guys were saying.

Run!

You don't have to run.

I'm not gonna chase you.

What are you guys trying to do to me?

I mean, it feels like it's becoming personal.

Is it personal?

Did I do something to offend you?

Well, you took our credit card.

You know, some of us aren't retired, Hank.

Some of us are trying to keep our jobs.

That sounds like a "you" problem.

No. Actually, it's a "you" problem.

Actually actually,

it's a "you and you and you" problem.

Because of you three, I've got higher blood pressure

than half the people in here.

That sounds like another "you" problem.

I'm sorry about Jerry.

But if we threw a rager every time a person died,

this place would look like Bourbon Street.

Bourbon Street's okay. The best streets are...

few blocks over.

Bourbon Street's okay. What I'm saying here, Sid,

is that people want peace and quiet.

Peace and quiet? I'm gonna have plenty

of peace and quiet when I'm dead.

I want to party. Jerry wanted to party.

And nobody wants to party with balloons and a cheese plate.

What's so bad about that?

Jerry hated cheese. The man was lactose intolerant.

I don't know what to tell you, Hank. The rules are the rules.

You don't like them, you can leave.

You do realize you're all here voluntarily.

What? We are?

Yes. It's a retirement community,

not an insane asylum.

My kids are liars.

Well, voluntary or not, the rules stink.

And what qualifies you

to come up with these rules anyway, Missy?

I went to Harvard Business School.

I never heard of it.

You've never heard of Harvard?

Oh, Harvard!

I thought you said "Barnyard."

I can't hear a thing today.

That's a great school.

All right, guys, time to get out of my office.

Well, if you're not gonna let us throw a party,

at least move what's-her-face from our table.

Who? Margaret?

No, she can sit wherever she wants.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Oh, I get it.

So you're saying there's nothing you can do.

- Right. - So you want us to handle it.

That's what you're saying.

That's not at all what I'm saying.

Ah, it's cool. I hear you, baby.

I feel like you don't.

Ah, I got it. Say no more.

I feel like I should.

Mm. Let's roll, boys.

Walked right into that one, Harvard.

You want me to flirt with her?

I don't think I can do this.

You want that woman sitting at our table forever?

Trust me, this'll work.

But it should be you or Charlie or at least somebody straight.

Sid, only a gay man can hit on a woman these days.

If I so much as bump into the side of a tata,

I could wind up in jail for six years.

I did six years in jail. Wasn't so bad.

- I was in the best shape of my... - Charlie.

Now, Sid, your mere presence

makes most people uncomfortable.

Now, all you got to do is, is take that

and dial that up to, like, an 11.

She'll be running to another table in no time.