Marty

Mister Christian, mister Christian!

Mister Christian.

Believe me, have you got the wrong fellow!

Anyway, he says to me, he says...

"What about that?" "What about what?", he says, "Oh.".

I says, "What do you mean, "Oh."?". He says, "Oh. That's all, I said, oh.".

I says "What did you mean by that?" you see.

He says "Well what did you then?" I said, "As a matter of fact,

yes I did.", I said, "Yes I did.".

- Did you? - Yes, I did.

Anyway, so he says to me, he says "Supposing I did, what of it, then?"

- And I says, "Nothing.", I says... - Yes.

Really. Anyway, the upshot of it was...

Good heavens, is that the time, it is half past two in the morning.

We mustn't keep you waiting any longer Mr. Lotterby.

It was very nice of you to come round and chat to us yesterday lunchtime...

Well I mean if you can't welcome newcomers to the neighbourhood...

But surely you're tired, I mean surely you've got something else to do?

- No, unless of course I'm boring you. - Oh no.

I mean if I'm boring you, you just have to say, "Oh Sid, you're boring us.".

A nod's as good as a wink.

Just say "you're boring me", I'll understand. Just say "you're boring me"

- I mean if I'm boring you, I'll go. - No, no,

you're not boring us. - Oh good.

Now, where was I then?

- You had just arrived at the upshot. - Ah yes.

- Well, to cut a long story short... - Only I have to get up at 7 AM.

Oh that is early, I lay in bed till about 12 meself, anyway...

So he turned to me and he... - Excuse me!

I can see I'm going to get on very well with your husband, lovely chap,

he took to me immediately, I could tell that when I arrived yesterday morning.

Yes, I always got on very well with the previous occupants of this house,

they took to me immediately too, just like you have.

I used to sit here with them chatting for hours and hours and hours,

Hours and hours and hours and hours,

Hours and hours and hours and hours...

Sometimes I'd sit here chatting with them all night long.

Hours and hours we'd sit here chatting.

They was a lovely couple, great sense of humour.

What a lovely sense of humour. Loved practical jokes.

Sometimes when I used to come round, they used to pretend they wasn't it.

And I could hear them whispering through the keyhole you see.

I'd knock on the door till they answered it.

Sometimes I banged for hours, bang bang bang till they answered the door.

Good heavens, another day gone.

Yes.

Every time I came around there was something new.

They'd throw scalding hot water all over me, or electrify the door knobs.

- Lovely sense of humour they had. - Weren't you ever put off?

Sometimes he pretended to froth at the mouth and come at me with a hit poker.

I still got the scars, lovely sense of humour.

After that he'd become rather quiet and took to his bed.

He'd just lie there in the dark, muttering to himself,

and hitting the pillow, just like you're doing.

He used to think, you know, he was haunted by goats, he used to say:

"Why doesn't that stupid old goat leave me alone?"

That was after his wife left him.

His wife left him, she went off in a van with two fellows. She was all happy,

her eyes rolling about, laughing hysterically, just like you're doing now.

After that, he pined, you know, so I took to keeping him company.

I never spared meself. I was with him 24 hours a day.

Telling him riddles,

telling him jokes, playing the kazoo to him.

- You are a raving maniac. - Oh yes.

I've listened to your drivel for 36 hours.

- Oh what a great... - You're a blithering idiot.

What a sense of humour he's got!

I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate you.

You've got to laugh, don't you!

- Come on, darling. - Where?

We're going to spend the night in a hotel.

Oh, spend the night in a hotel, oh, you have to laugh!

- Come on in, mother, it worked. - Okay.

I say, it's not much,

but it will do for the night.

It will do, yes, but it is no Buckingham Palace.

Now wait a minute, there is an idea.

In the quiet Surrey hills, not 10 miles from Dorking, stands Pine Tops.

On the outside it looks like any well run country club.

These are clothists, men and women from every walk of life

who believe in the freedom and beauty of the clothed body.

We became clothists last year. At first we were a little embarassed.

But everybody here was so friendly, we soon felt completely normal.

Security at Pine Tops is strict, but despite thick hedges and high fences,

the clothists are never entirely free

from peeping toms.

Clothists feel no guilt. And without hidden camera's

we can really observe them exalting in the simple fact that they wear clothes.

They behave perfectly normally.

Yes, they believe in letting clothes breathe here at Pine Tops.

They don't think they should be kept shut up in dark wardrobes all day.

Mr. Phillips the game organiser told us to him, clothism was a way of life.

Most certainly. We believe that clothes are perfectly natural,

and there's nothing embarassing or degrading about being seen in a suit.

I mean, after all, God gave men beautiful clothes,

and we shouldn't be ashamed of them.

Many devotees don't just wear clothes in summer, they wear them all the year.

People think we're cracks but you'd be surprised just how warm clothes can be.

To us it may seem like an eccentric indulgence,

but to clothists, wearing clothes is more than that, it is a way of life.

The most difficult time is when they return to normal every day existance.

But for those who are left, the idyllic life of Pine Tops goes on.

Clothes as nature intended.

He has got it under control, down on left wing,

he puts a high ball across the keeper, clear, catches it, throws up,

and Proset has whipped McConkers feet from under him.

That's the 20th faul from Prosset this afternoon,

and the referee is going to take Prosset's name.

Alright, come here. Come here. I'm taking your name.

- It was an accident sir. - I'm taking your name.

What is it? - Proset, sir.

- Proset? - Yes sir.

Not one of the Leistershire Prosets?

No, I was born in Luton, sir.

- In Luton. - Yes.

- Do you know Ganderbody Street? - Know it?

I was born there sir, number 15, wasn't I.

15? Tell me. Is your mother a tall blonde buxom woman

who used to be barmaid at the Gravedigger's Arms?

- Yes, that's right. - Edna Proset's boy!

Let me look at you. Oh, Edna Proset's boy!

What's the matter? It's like this you see.

When I was a young linesman, I used to run the line at Luton.

One night after the match, we all went to a pub

and after the pub closed, well, the barmaid and me, we, we...

Well I mean what is there to do in Luton?

I never went back, and afterwards I heared. I sent money, of course, but...

What are you trying to tell me then?

Edwin, I'm your dada.

Can you ever forgive the wrong I've done?

Dad, this is embarassing, there's 60,000 people watching!

I don't care, let them watch!

I found my son, I found my son!

All those wasted years. we'll never be parted again.

What about my leg, it's broken?

I've got my duty to do. Right, I'm booking you

for provocation, McConker.

Come in, come in.

Ah, Thompson, nice to see you boy! Come in.

- Thank you very much, sir. - Yes.

Time we had a little chat...

Don't sit on the floor, Thompson, sit in the chair.

Thank you very much sir.

- How are you then, Thompson? - Fine, thank you, sir.

- Bowels is alright, are they? - Yes I think so.

- You're looking well. Looking well. - Thank you sir.

I was talking to Mr. Evans again this morning about your Latin verse.

Prose is alright, but verse is a bit weak.

- I'm very sorry sir. - You'll have to work at it Thompson,

it's very important. - Yes, sir.

Thompson, have you been, as it were, shot?

- Just a bit sir. - I see.

I thought you looked a bit picky around the eyes.

Who did it, Thompson, who did it? Was it a boy?

- Yes sir. - Well, what was his name? Come on.

- Out with it, out with it. - I'd rather not say sir.

Come on. You know I have to know. It's against the rules to shoot each other.

- I shall have to confiscate that gun. - I'm afraid I can't say sir.

Jolly good Thompson, not sneaking like that.

- Thank you sir. - You realise I'll have to thrash you

for not telling me. Bend over then.

About this bullet wound of yours, Thompson,

Will you be fit to play against St. John's tomorrow?

Only they beat us by six wickets last year you know.

I won't be able to bowl, sir, my arm's shattered.

- Damn. Oh well have to drop you then. - Sorry, sir.

I thought I might play young Jenkins and move Parter up to open the batting.

Wouldn't it be better to bring in Podmore and put Gardner at number 4?

Good idea, Thompson.

- Right, that's it then. - Thank you very much sir.

About the shooting, mustn't tell your parents, give the school a bad name.

- They're bound to find out sir. - Nonsense,

they never heared about the 4th form massacre!

Now, you go off and see matron, yes?

Nonono, by the back stairs boy, bad form to bleed in public.

- Sorry, sir. - Yes, off you go then.

Keep the noise down!

Get on with your preps!

Tonight, I'm going to sing a very beautiful musical setting

of the HP sauce label, in French.

A little song entitled, "La sauce HP".

# Cette sauce

# De haute qualité

# Est un mélange

# De fruits orientaux

# D'épices

# Et de vinaigre

# De malt

# Elle est absolument pure

# Et ne contient

# Aucune matière

# Colorante

# Synthétique

# Ni aucun agent de conservation artificiel

# La sauce HP

# Est appétissante

# Et délicieuse

# Avec viandes

# Chaudes et froides

# Poisson, jambon