Modern Family

Claire: Speech! Speech!

Okay, okay, okay. Settle down.

Um...

It's hard to believe I'm 50.

A-A-As of today, I'm middle-aged.

What's he been the last10 years?

Delusional. He thinks he's a millennial, like us.

I've thought a lot about what's next.

51.Thank you, buddy.

And it's important that I continue to grow

and that I stay mentally challenged.

Which is why I am starting...

piano lessons,

so that by next year's birthday,

I'll be good enough to perform in public.

Oh, great. Another thing to go to.

Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish.

iExcelente!

Uh, I -- I haven't started yet.

Um, and finally, um --

and I know it's a little bit of a midlife-crisis cliché,

but...

I'm gonna learn how to ride a unicycle!

Phil, you forgotto open one of your gifts.

Ooh!

This one, Jay picked it upfor you himself.

He did?

Hey, Dad.

So, what's going on with that hat?

Gloria thinks I look grumpy in the photos that we take

when we go to these things,

so I'm searching for the right hat

that makes me look like I'm having fun.

Or you could just smile more.

Eh.

Wow!

"The Sommelier's Guide to the Wines of France."

Claire: Ooh!

I love it so much.Nice!

Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed.

"May you continue to age

as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux."

Dad...

"Happy Birthday, Jay.

Love, Cam."

...Cam. Yeah.Jay, you re-gifted my gift?

Dad!

I didn't know he wrote in it.

Because you didn't open it.

So now I feel like a jerk.

How could you be a jerk? You're wearing that hat.

A year from now, I'm gonna know what that means.

-Captions by VITAC--

I got Gloria the greatest Valentine's Day gift --

a box set of DVDs of all the Dean Martin Roasts.

I was so moved by the romantic gesture

that for Jay's birthday,

I invited a bunch of people over to insult him.

Shorty: So, my ex-wife and I,

we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria.

They're walking down the beach, and my ex-wife says,

"Whoa, look at all that skin."

And I said, "Baby, come on.

What's wrong with that?

She's a beautiful woman in a bikini."

She said, "Oh, I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp."

Jay is so not Latin

that every time that he dances,

people point him to the bathroom.

He has no rhythm. That's what I mean.

But seriously, I love the whites.

No, but seriously, Jay is quite the environmentalist.

Just this last year, he recycled a gift of mine --

a wonderful book about wine.

I-I don't want to say my father is old,

but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K.

My dad is old.

Together: How old is he?

He's so old that when he started using it,

it was called Preparation G.

Enough!

This is terrible!

I don't know why any ofyou people think this is funny!

You may think these are jokes,but it's way too real.

We need to respect Grandpainstead of cutting him down.

None of us really knowshow much time he has left.

Do you really want theseto be the last words he hears?

Well, now I feel like hell.

And that'show you roast! Bam!

I don't understand why adults make such a big deal

about their birthdays.

So this year, I asked for nothing.

No party, no fuss.

Just a quiet night by myself,

with my thoughts, all alone.

Okay.

Just as I had hoped,Mitchell is miserable.

He saidhe didn't want a party,

but it's like when you write"No gifts" on an invitation

but you secretly want everyoneto bring something

big and expensive, Jotham.

I made a heartfelt toast at your party.

Yes, and those 12 wordswere just as generous

as the actual physical giftseveryone else brought.

Okay,I'm gonna go in.

When you hear me say"Mitchell, you're not alone,"

that's when you come inand you yell "Surprise."

We know what to say.

Mm. Do you?

Hey!

How you doing? Okay?Yeah.

Now do you see what it's liketo spend your birthday alone?

I do. And it's...

Yeah. ...amazing.

What? Cam, thank you. Thank you.

For once, you heard me and gave me exactly what I wanted

instead of what you thought I should want.

Honey, this is the best birthday present ever.

It is? Yes!

Oh, and you've -- you've got to be relieved, too.

I mean, every time we hang out with our friends,

they leave and you spend the rest of the night

complaining about how every single one of them annoys you.

I don't knowwhat you're talking about!

Oh, please. Jotham's cheap. L'Michael has bad breath.

That doesn't sound like me!

Antonio's weave is falling apart.

Vincent's a sloppy drunk.

Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling

his one Bernadette Peters story.

You're the sloppy drunk!

Surprise!

Here's a thing I realized --

you can't get older if you never have birthdays.

What'd I tell you?

I thoughtthis would be the year.

I told my family I just wanted my birthday

to be me and Dylan this year because at the time,

I was still keeping my pregnancy a secret,

and I knew they'd get all suspicious

about why I wasn't drinking.

What was I going to say?

"I can't drink because I have work in the morning"?

There's no way they'd believe that.

Here. I got you a present.

Ooh! Thank you!

Get out!

Gucci baby sneakers!

They're adorable.

Our baby's gonna be so hot.

Personally, I think it's weird

that there are shoes for someone who can't walk.

But you know what, Haley?

I love that we're pregnannnt --

Hello! Hi!

What are you guys doing here?

At the restaurant? We got a --

We got a Groupon, but we -- Us too.

Yeah, we j-- we just saw that you were over here.

Wanted to say happy birthday.Happy birthday.

Didn't mean to overhear.

You didn't overhear anything.

We were talking about a TV show.

Oh, well, then, what's -- what's up

with these little baby shoes, then?

These are --These are not baby shoes.

Oh. No, they're, um...

We are starting a business

for people who cannot affordfull-size designer wear.

Oh. Well, as much as that does sound like you, I -- Mm.

Okay.

I'm pregnant.Oh, my God.

That's exciting!

Is it? We think so.

But we have nottold my parents yet,

so please don't say anything.

Oh, honey, Icould keep your secret forever,

but just so you know, he can't.

Yeah, I'm weak.

Yeah, you got maybe three, four days tops.

What? Yeah.

Oh. Okay. Well, these werefrom us, but...

Yeah, she can't have it.She's pregnant.

Okay, there you go. See?

Now, you listen to me.

My roller-coasteringhormones

cannot handle another lecturefrom my mother right now,

so you aregoing to tell me a secret

that I will reveal to everyoneif you ever spill mine!

Yeah, but I don't have any secrets. Mm?

Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo,

he puts the makeup everywhere.

Because of the whole 21 thing,

people don't think turning 20 is a big deal.

But it's all I've been thinking about

for the last three years.

Hey.

Three years ago, I came in here,

and when I saw you, I fell in love.

The kind of love that punches you in the gut