The Tender Bar

There's your Golden Earring,

and they're gonna be opening for The Who for three days

at Madison Square Garden, starting...

Is that Uncle Charlie?

I was trying to fucking help you pitch.

Help me pitch?

This is batting practice, okay?

It's not for you to help me pitch.

I'm worried about you.

All right, shut the fuck up.

All right, all right, all right. Ready?

Ah, this guy's got nothing.

You got nothing. Come on, Chaz.

- All right, here we go. - Come on, come on, Goose.

Come on, get it by him. Get it by him.

I'll see you back at the house.

Ruthie's back there, too.

Be a full house.

Okay.

- What are you gonna do? - Come on, Chaz. Come on.

Come on.

We're going home.

We're going home. Again.

All right, here you go. Nice grip.

Here you go, kid.

Use your glove.

It was 1973,

and after failing to pay our rent for five months,

my mom and I had to move back home to my grandpa's house.

Home never meant the same thing to my mother as it did to me.

To her, it meant failure, the place you ended up

when all the things she was counting on fell through.

Work, apartment, boyfriend, not always in that order.

But I loved it.

To me, Grandpa's house was a revolving door of cousins and aunts,

with a full complement of laughter and tears

and an occasional nervous breakdown.

But above all, it's where Uncle Charlie lived.

And when you're 11 years old, you want an Uncle Charlie.

Everybody needs to know the cesspool isn't taking it.

If you take a leak, take it outside.

I could use a little help in here.

I'm not the maid.

Jesus Christ!

My father was a radio DJ in New York.

They called him The Voice.

He played Top 40 hits, and he'd talk about the musicians.

I only met him once, and I was pretty young,

so when I could, I'd sneak away and listen to him on the radio.

I had to sneak, 'cause after he left us,

well, let's just say Mom took a pair of scissors to every picture he was in.

I like it.

Do you?

It's people. I like to have people.

Tomorrow is another day.

Why does Grandpa say we should all clear out?

Because he's a selfish old prick who resents taking care of his family.

Like Dad?

No, honey.

Grandpa resents taking care of his family.

Your father has never taken care of anybody at all.

Oh.

Oh.

That's Pablo Cruise with "Love Will Find a Way"...

Hey, now, eat your cereal.

Okay, two rules.

I'm never gonna let you win, ever.

You beat me, you know you beat me fair and square,

but I never let you win.

And I'm gonna always tell you the truth.

I saw you in the yard playing sports.

You're not very good.

And... probably not gonna get a whole lot better,

so it might be wise for you, in order to avoid tears and disappointment

and, above all, delusion,

you know, find some other activities that you like.

You know, like, uh, what do you like to do the most?

I like to read.

I also like to read.

I mean, I'm good at sports, too, but...

So, this thing about the radio.

You're gonna look for your father in the radio.

You think your father is in the radio.

He's not in the radio.

He's just an asshole who happens to be on the radio.

Don't look for your father to save you.

And don't play sports.

That's all I have to say.

The game is five-card stud.

Mom can use some money.

This is The Voice at 97.1 on your dial.

She's really tired after work.

...top ten songs this week, you'll win a Q97

limited-edition brass belt buckle,

and you'll be registered to win $500.

What do you say? The top ten.

You can't win if you don't play.

Is this seat taken?

No.

Tell your cousin

I said you can ride the fucking bike.

It's not his fucking bike anyway.

It's a house bike. I took that bike out of the dump

and fixed it up for all you little assholes.

Now they're moving to Colorado.

It's your bike anyway.

Oh, Jesus, mother of God.

How did you get sick?

I'm not sick.

It's Saturday morning.

This is the way it is.

This is Saturday morning in the life of men.

Oh.

Go around to the bar. Get me a pack of cigarettes.

Get that before your grandmother does.

I'm-I'm not here. Whoever...

- Hello? - Hey.

Now, I know there are a lot of rug rats running around,

but I'm wondering if this is JR.

Dad?

Huh? What?

That's right, buddy, if this is JR...

Give me the fucking phone.

- ...I'm your father. - Mom's not here.

Well, I'm not calling for your mother, kiddo.

I'm calling for you.

Hey, uh...

How would you like to see a ball game with your old man?

- Really? - Sure. Ball game with your old man.

Mets or Yankees?

Whatever you like.

Uncle Charlie says the Yankees are assholes,

but the Mets drink at The Dickens.

How is your Uncle Charlie?

How are you? He wants to know.

I'm still short 30 bucks.

Tell him the Mets play the Braves tomorrow night.

Mets play the Braves tomorrow night.

Doesn't mean he's gonna show up.

Well, I will tell you what, sport.

I'll get a couple tickets.

And I will pick you up at your grandfather's at 6:30.

Great. Thank you.

We got a lot to catch up on, you and me.

Okay.

- Bye, now. - Bye.

You gonna get my cigarettes?

Oh.

Are you reading this paper?

- Oh, no. - Great.

I... I got an interview at Yale.

He said to be ready at 6:30.

I was ready at 4:30 so as not to fuck up.

You always remember fucking up, so you don't want to.

The thing is, that day, I felt like I had.

That's the thing to remember about a kid.

The kid always thinks he fucked up.

I didn't know what he looked like.

I hadn't been to New York City to see his face on billboards and buses.

I couldn't have picked him out of a crowd.

But I wondered if it was like a thing you would always know,

as if you would always know your father instantly.

It was possible.

A little while later, after being arrested while on air

for nonpayment of child support,

The Voice fled the state.

It was about this same period that he called up drunk

and said he put a contract on my mother's life.

He also threatened to kidnap me,

but Uncle Charlie thought this was a less serious threat,

as kidnapping comes with responsibilities.

We're the Two Musketeers, right?

Yeah.

Let me show you something, okay?

This is the male sciences, all right?

You get your drink.

That goes there.

Got your pack of butts, right?

That goes there.

See that? Look at... look at this guy right there.

See how he's putting his money in his pocket like that?

- Yeah. - Never do that.

That's keeping your money like a drunk.

It's not correct.

Know what you also do?

You take care of your mother.

All right?

All right, give me a hand.

And you take care of, if you have one, your woman.

If you drink, you keep your shit together.

If your shit's not together, you don't drink.

Don't be like one of these assholes here who acts like

it was Jesus who came down and made him late for work

and spend all their money and throw back

Old Hammerhead with vanilla Coke for 30 years.

You know what I'm saying? It's about being a man.

Get your drink. You get your butts.

Don't carry your money like a drunk. Oh, and, uh...