Iliza Shlesinger: Freezing Hot

We're in Denver. I have what I'm hoping is altitude sickness

and not some, like, weird form of meningitis.

They keep telling me it's not meningitis, but they don't know.

We've got an amazing crowd.

All the tickets are gone, which is great. All fans.

People who are coming to my show should expect a healthy dose

of very honest, hilarious, aggressive comedy.

The special's called Freezing Hot, so the set is freezing hot.

There's a big old explosion in the background, palm trees and snow,

and then there's a surprise at the end: my girl Blanche.

When I first started traveling, I decided to get her

so I'd have someone to be with me on the road, and fans like her.

Come here!

Okay, thank you. We have to go make an hour special.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Iliza Shlesinger!

Thank you!

Denver!

I picked... I picked this city.

I picked this city as my favorite city to do comedy in, for this special.

- Thank you. -

Thought it was gonna be a lot colder. Really did.

I always feel like weather is something you can use

to ingratiate yourself toward other girls.

Guys have sports, when they meet: "What's up, bro? You see 30 for 30?"

"Fuckin' right, I did. Yeah."

With girls, it's not fashion or anything else, it's the weather.

It's like, "Oh, my God, it was so hot.

Like, earlier."

And then the other girl's like, "It was so hot! I noticed that, I feel.

I love it when it's hot, but not too hot. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"I know what you're saying. Like, I totally get it. But not too hot.

But I also like it when it's cold."

"Me too, but not too cold, no. If it's too cold, it's like, brrr."

I like to talk about the weather.

But the weird thing for being a girl is even if you live in cold weather,

girls always have an issue with deciding what outer layer we should wear.

We always defer to the guy.

Like, "Babe!

Should I do a jacket?

Jacket? A short one?

A long one?

You're not looking? Okay.

If I should do a jacket. For the... Are we going to the thing?

Do a jacket? Should I do it? Should I do a jacket?

Will you just pause Halo for two seconds? Thanks.

Jacket... should I do it? Should I do a jacket? Not a jacket.

Should I just do, like, four scarves and no pants?

Seems counterintuitive.

Do a jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Jacket?"

Finally her boyfriend's like, "Yeah, bring a fuckin' jacket!"

And you're like, "I don't want to bring a jacket!"

- "Why not?" - "'Cause then I have to carry it!"

Girls hate the idea of carrying a jacket. "It's too heavy!"

The female body is capable of carrying a human being...

for nine months, but apparently a lightweight jacket

stuffed with feathers is where we draw the line.

"Should I bring a jacket?"

In your 20s, you never bring a jacket.

Some of you are in your 20s, so remember, like, yesterday?

Do it.

In your 20s, you never brought a jacket. You're invincible and a little stupid.

"I don't need one."

That's why it's so funny for those over 30 to watch 20-year-olds

at, like, 2:00 a.m., like, braving the cold.

Shivering.

Doing this shit with their dresses. Like, pulling it down.

All those shoes cracking under the pressure.

"My dress won't..."

"You're not wearing a dress! It's a tube sock!"

You always rationalize it.

"It's not that far from the car to the bar."

In your 20s, you risk that icy walk for the glory of not having to wear a jacket.

You have no problem with that two-minute walk.

Not every girl makes it. I've lost many a hot Amber to that walk.

You're like, "Where's Amber?"

Amber's frozen. Like, "Go!

Order a lemon drop and toast to my memory!"

It's the worst when you're cold, you can't find your car.

If you're with a group of girls, resign yourself to the fact

you're probably not going to find your car.

Even if you're brilliant, there's something in the genetic makeup of women

that disables us from remembering where the car is parked.

It's rare that a woman parks the car and is like,

"Boop! Okay, I'm in spot 4-F. Let me remember that.

Let me be responsible for my choices in this life.

Something disengages and takes over, and we're just like, "Boop! What's this?"

- -

And then we just, like, wake up in a Sephora.

Always bring at least one guy.

There's something in the male makeup. Men always find the car.

They throw down breadcrumbs, Hansel and Gretel-style.

Maybe they've got a tracking device in their junk.

I don't know. Like, ping, ping, ping!

He may not even find your car.

He will find you a car, and you'll get in it.

Guys, I'll tell you a secret: We don't want to look for the car. It's boring.

If I do a scan and I don't see it, I'm like, "Someone stole it!"

That's always the go-to. "Stole it!"

Sometimes we'll act like we're stressed, even if we're not. That's our go-to.

Women have been told they're feebleminded.

Once in a while, we'll play into it to our advantage.

"I don't know where the car is, okay? I'm sorry!

You're perfect! And I don't know where the car is.

I don't even... I don't know where the car is, okay? I'm trying, okay?

I'm stressed out because I'm working, like, ten hours a week.

- And I'm like... -

There's the car. Thank you, Officer, we found it.

Like your jacket."

Girls always defer to the guy when it comes to weather questions.

Every girl's done this, where you wake up in the morning,

next to your husband, your boyfriend,

or whatever Dairy Queen manager Tinder has set you up with.

8:00 a.m., first thing out of your mouth, you're like,

"Babe... is it cold outside?"

And your boyfriend wants to be there for you.

He's like, "I don't know 'cause I'm inside."

"It's chilly. Chilly."

Girls hate being cold. We hate it. Girls don't like to be chilly.

Guys, don't let your date get cold. We're not happy when we're cold.

"Come here, babe. I gonna warm you up."

"Don't fucking touch me. It's not what I want."

Girls don't want to have sex when they're cold.

In my life, I've never been like, "Oh, my God, I'm so cold,

I just wish I had somebody to fuck!"

It doesn't really happen.

We don't get horny when we get cold.

It sends a message to our brain: Time to go home. Time to hibernate.

Time to watch a show on TLC about a 600-pound woman eating herself to death.

That's what we want to do. "Cold!"

Don't let your date get cold. We're not happy when we're cold.

The body language for "I'm cold" and "I'm fucking pissed at you"

is the same body language.

Girls don't like being cold... but we love cold weather.

That's girl logic for you.

Everything's a contradiction wrapped in a bow. "It gets pretty. Glitter."

It's the same thought process that's like,

"I'm gonna wear tight pants, but don't you look at my butt!"

"I am so cold, I'm sweating.

It is freezing hot in here. I don't know. I don't know how I feel."

All girls love fall. I don't know if you know that.

All girls are required to love fall. Yeah.

- Required. That's right. -

When we applied to be girls... went to the girl counter.

They hold your girl card up. "What's your favorite season?"

And you go, "It's fall, motherfucker." And they're like, "All right.

Here's your girl card, your uggs, your glitter. Go have fun, be insecure."

- That's what being a girl is. -

Girls love fall so much, I've been planning this fall since July...

Of, like... of, like, two years ago.

We fucking get into fall.

You don't even have to tell girls when it's fall. We know.

Oh, we sense it.

We get into it. The second it turns fall,

the second a leaf falls somewhere in, like, Connecticut, we feel it.

Sit at home, watching TV.

Outside the temperature drops from, like, 86 to 63.

We pop out of the ground like gophers. We sense that fall is here.

Watching TV, fall comes, we're just like...

- "Did you feel that?" - "It was a breeze."

"Fuck yeah! Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves... pumpkin everything!

- - Pumpkin!

Eat the pumpkins!

Let's plan fall shit!"

You drag your boyfriend by the teeth.

"Let's go! We're doing fall shit! We're going apple-picking!"

"Babe, there's no apple orchards in Los Angeles."

"Fine. I'm going to the grocery store and throw apples at children. Something!"

We go on Pinterest, start pinning fall ideas.

Leaves, that's a fun thing we like to fuck with.

Every year the leaves change color, and we lose our shit.

Every...

"Did you see the leaves? Oh, my God!

Last week they were green, and now they're brown!"

They're not brown. They're fuckin' dead, you sicko!

They're fuckin' dead, and you're doing crafts with their corpses.

Have you no respect for nature?

That was a living thing, you monster!

"What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?"

"I'm gonna make a pile on the front lawn so the kids can play in the death.

What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?"

"I'm gonna make a wreath on the front door

as a warning to other dead leaves not to fuck with me!"

- "Did you just eat a leaf?" - "I did."

Pin pin pin. We love Pinterest. All girls love Pinterest. Anyone?

Yes!

Pinterest. Porn for white women. We love it.

We love planning things on Pinterest. Lot of girls plan weddings on Pinterest.

One of my girlfriends got married on Valentine's Day.

And, joking,

I was like, "Oh, my God, that's so fun. What was your theme?"

Dead serious, she was like, "We did, like, love, but, like,