Lopez

Hey, guys.

Should I even open this?

They don't even have naked pictures of girls in here anymore.

Why do they even wrap it in plastic?

That's a good question. Man, on Saturday nights,

you used to be able to go to the liquor store

have a whole display of magazines.

"High Society," "Cherry,"

- "Swank." - That's ri... hey,

- what's up with this fool, man? - Oh, no.

- Manuelo, hey. George in there? - Dude are eyeballing us.

- Should I stop? - Nah, you know what, keep going, go.

George, so what's going on with the trees?

- Do they have porn magazines anymore? - Hey, George.

- Geor... George. I see you. - You thought about this a lot, huh?

I got the number of an arborist.

- You lonely, boss, or what? - Maybe a little, yeah.

- You need to start dating. - But how, man?

Dating is, uh... it's even more confusing

because everybody's meeting online.

Nobody goes out anymore. They all date on the apps,

and the apps are confusing, man. I got some.

It's all pictures, no information.

Why don't you just try it, jefe?

Oh, wait a minute. I got one. She swiped right.

And she sent a picture. Dude, check that out.

- Look at that. - Oh, damn, she's hot. Huh?

- "Can you come over right now?" - Ooh.

- Wh... where are we? - Coming up on Camden.

Okay, Camden. Make a left on Camden.

You only got about 20 minutes, though.

Afternoon delight. I could make that work.

Come in.

Oh, uh, is Stephanie here?

- I'm Stephanie. - You are?

Um... that's you right there?

- Maybe. - Uh...

- Listen, George... - Oh.

We are gonna have fun.

- I... don't take... - Believe me,

Bob Saget never complained or Bobcat Goldthwait.

If you say Gilbert Gottfried I'm never... okay.

Mm, come on. What's your pleasure?

- Baby oil? - No, um...

- Powder? - What's happening...

- Is that a video camera? - This? Phone just shakes too much.

We gotta use this...

Wait. Hey. Hey! Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, where are you going?

So, jefe, how'd it go?

Not good. Now I'm late for nothing. Let's go.

Whoo.

Oh, my God. Sorry I'm late. The traffic was crazy.

I checked Waze. It looked like a light traffic day.

Oh, except for the traffic on the way to Stephanie M's apartment.

Wh... how do you know about Stephanie?

Because I live in this century.

A half hour ago she tweeted that you had sex with her.

Well, I... nah, I didn't.

Well, that's probably why she's upset.

Look, I believe you, but no one else out there will.

I spend half my time putting out Internet fires.

If a client isn't having embarrassing

and compromising photos of them put out there,

they're blogging something sexist or racist.

Wow, who do you represent?

Look, if you want this Vegas residency,

you need to use social media to broaden your audience,

not piss them off, okay? Show them that fun, accessible George.

Yeah, that... that's... That's what I do.

I sent a tweet today. I put a picture on Instagram.

- You didn't check it out? - Oh, I did.

And if I were a 55-year-old black or Latino man,

wearing a hat or smoking a cigar, I'd feel right at home.

Listen, I'm working on getting

the top branding guy in the biz to come work for you,

but in the meantime, just work on your posting, okay?

Do some funny behind-the-scenes bits with your funny friends.

Bring your audience into your life, but not to have sex or wear hats.

What's up with the residency? Are we getting it?

That I don't know. It's up in the air

because Holly says I have, uh... social media issues.

Really? I don't know about that.

I've been reading a lot about you lately.

What is this, George? You're on a dating website.

You're George Lopez. You don't go on dating websites.

Okay, I haven't dated in a long time.

- I get it. - I don't go out a lot.

So I thought, "Let me put my stuff on that," you know?

But I thought it was anonymous, man.

- I didn't even use my real name. - You didn't.

'Cause you used George L.

And a picture of you in front of Caesars Palace

with your name above the marquee.

So how am I supposed to meet a girl that likes me for me?

- Like, the real me? - You don't.

Look, George, this is how you solve your problem:

You should date another celebrity

because celebrities understand what you're going through

because they having the same exact problem that you're having.

Yeah, but which one? Let's see, Eva Longoria's engaged...

- Yes. - Sofia Vergara,

- language issue... - She don't speak English.

- Salma Hayek... - Yeah.

Uh, Jessica Alba's married. So that's it. That's my list.

God, I love Salma Hayek. But you know if you date a celebrity,

she doesn't have to be Latina, George.

- You could think outside the box. - Well, not with my fan base.

You're a celebrity. When celebrities date other celebrities,

the whole race thing disappears.

It's like celebrities have their own race.

No, I just need to find a girl who's cute,

smart, and doesn't know anything about me.

Well, good luck trying to find that in LA.

How about this? Let's... let's scale back a little bit,

and how about you just get a dog first.

A rescue dog. A little puppy.

Some unconditional love.

Pet rescue. That's cool.

You know, the great thing about having a dog is,

it's like a built-in excuse to go home

or to get away from people. Like when Erica's a baby,

'member I used to say she had colic...

- Yeah. - And I would just take a plate

and go home? And dogs, they still sniff each other. They keep it real.

They don't use Twitter.

But you know they're gonna think you're there for a pit bull.

They aren't gonna give you a dog.

Fool, nobody thinks like that no more. Man, be positive.

We're not gonna give you a pit bull.

Okay, that's funny.

Uh, I'm George Lopez. Okay?

- I didn't introduce myself. - Ooh, hi.

I'm still not gonna give you a pit bull.

Do all Mexicans have pit bulls, huh?

Is my head shaved? Do I have a tattoo on my neck?

Listen, man, I just want a dog as a companion.

It's not that simple.

What do you mean, "It's not that simple"?

Well, I have to ask you a lot of questions first.

- A lot of questions. - Seriously? Like what?

Have you had a drink today?

You're not gonna give me a dog, are you?

Hey, what was with all the questions and that dude?

- That dude's insulting. - You want me to go back

- and take care of this fool? - Nah, I can...

Come on, man, you're gonna get me in trouble, dude.

You still want a dog?

- Yeah, I still want a dog. - I know where to get one.

I don't want a pit bull, though.

What you doin', man? You shop here?

Where do you think the cucumbers from my pickles come from?

I'm not gonna make them with supermarket vegetables.

Check it out. Pet rescue center's right over there.

I'll catch you in a minute. I'm gonna go grab me some basil

- 'cause my guy always leaves by noon. - All right.

He is so sweet. We found him about a year ago,

and he's... he's been looking for a home, so...

- Yeah... hey. - Yeah.

You look like you could use a dog.

Yes. Yes, I could. How can you... how can you tell?

Do I look sad or something? I'm not crying.

No, no. Just from my point of view, everyone can use a dog.

- Ah. - That's why I do this.

You know what, you do good work.

I went to the Sanctuary League to try to get a dog,

- uh, guy gave me a hard time. - God, the Sanctuary League.

They do great work, but they can be very strict. You know, I get it.

You work with abused and abandoned animals,

and you can really start to mistrust people.

Yeah, how about, uh... how about you?

I try to stay optimistic.

They thought I wanted a pit bull.

Oh, my God, because you're Hispanic?

It's so embarrassing.

I'm like, "Man, I just want a companion, not a pit bull."

You know what? I know just the dog for you.

- Yeah? - Benny.

Ah, Benny. Hey, Benny.

Yeah, I think the name is appropriate.

- Yeah, why? - Uh, Jack Benny.

He's, like, a older comedian,

but I'm more like, Richard Pryor or Freddie Prinze.

I could name him Prinze, but then they'd think

I'd name him Prince.

- I'd have to correct everybody. - Right.

Well, you can name him whatever you like.

We just give them temp names so we're not calling them all "Dog."

- Oh, great. - It would be confusing.

- Uh, by the way, I'm Shelia. - Oh, hi, Sheila.

I'm George. Yeah, George Lopez.

- Oh, pleased to meet you, George. - Yeah, nice to meet you.

- Well, I gotta start packing up here. - Oh, okay. Uh...

- Can I help? - Oh, I won't say no.

Okay, um, if you "won't say no" then how's, uh...

How about dinner, maybe? Something to drink?

How about a hike? Hmm?

- With your new friend Benny? - A hike. I love hiking.

That's how my family got here.

- Oh, God. - Okay, fine. Come on, Benny.