Parks and Recreation

.

- OKAY, HERE'S THE TEXT FOR YOUR SPEECH.

I ADDED A FEW MORE JOKES,

SLAMMING EAGLETON AT THE END.

- MMM. THAT'S THE SEXIEST THING

YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE ON MY TEAM.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA ATTACK 'EM

AT THIS PRESS CONFERENCE?

IT'S A FRIENDLY WAGER

ON A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME.

- I'M LOSING THE RECALL ELECTION, BEN.

SLAMMING EAGLETON IS THE EASIEST WAY

TO SCORE SOME POINTS.

LOOK. AM I PROUD OF IT? YES.

BECAUSE EAGLETON SUCKS.

BUT IS IT THE CLASSIEST MOVE?

YES, BECAUSE EAGLETON SUCKS.

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN?

YES, BECAUSE EAGLETON SUCKS.

THIS YEAR, WE GET TO HOST

THE PAWNEE-EAGLETON TIP-OFF CLASSIC.

THAT AWFUL HUMAN BEING IS INGRID DE FOREST.

SHE'S A CITY COUNCILOR FROM EAGLETON.

SHE THINKS SHE'S SO GREAT BECAUSE SHE WON

THE MISS INDIANA BEAUTY PAGEANT.

LAST YEAR. WHILE SHE WAS IN OFFICE.

AND PREGNANT.

AS ALWAYS, WE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE

A FRIENDLY WAGER WITH EAGLETON.

IF YOU BEAT US THIS YEAR,

WE WILL GIVE YOU A BASKET OF APPLES

FROM OUR PAWNEE ORCHARD.

- EW, PESTICIDE. YUCK.

- OH, NO, THESE ARE PESTICIDE-FREE.

I ATE ONE OF THESE FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING,

AND I FOUND A WORM IN IT.

SO, I BET SOMEBODY FEELS PRETTY STUPID RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, LESLIE, I THINK WE HAD SIMILAR IDEAS.

IF YOU WIN, EAGLETON WILL GIVE YOU

THIS BASKET OF ORANGES.

OF COURSE, IT'S SILLY TO COMPARE

APPLES AND ORANGES, BUT WHAT THE HECK.

THESE ARE MADE OF SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL,

AND THEY'RE WORTH $700,000.

- LESLIE, YOU'RE DOWN 15 POINTS

IN THE LATEST POLL FOR THE RECALL ELECTION.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO MAKE UP THE DEFICIT?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'D DO IF I WAS AN EAGLETONIAN.

I'D POP A XANAX

AND ASK MY BUTLER TO HELP ME OUT.

I MEAN, I'M NOT SAYING THAT EAGLETONIANS

ARE OUT OF TOUCH.

BUT WHEN YOU TELL 'EM IT'S TIME

TO CHANGE THEIR OIL, THEY ASK,

"EXTRA VIRGIN OR WHITE TRUFFLE?"

THANKS, GUYS. I'LL SEE YA AT THE GAME.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE AN EAGLETONIAN,

AND THEN YOU'LL BE TOO BUSY POLISHING YOUR MONOCLE

AT THE CAVIAR STORE.

KNOPE OUT.

YEAH.

*

- WHO OR WHAT IS PENNY SAVER?

- IT'S A FREE CIRCULAR WITH A BUNCH OF COUPONS IN IT.

- THIS WAS SENT TO RON SWANSON

AT DIANE'S ADDRESS,

WHERE I'VE LIVED FOR LESS THAN A MONTH.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

THIS IS AN EXTREME INVASION OF PRIVACY.

THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

MY FAMILY HAS HAD A SINGLE P.O. BOX

FOR SEVERAL GENERATIONS.

WE ONLY EVER SUBSCRIBE TO TWO MAGAZINES,

READER'S DIGEST AND EBONY.

EBONY WAS DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR,

BUT IT ENDED UP BEING AN INTERESTING YEAR OF READING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS WAS DELIVERED TO ME,

BUT IT CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

HOW CAN I STOP IT?

- MM. DONNA IS GREAT WITH THIS SORT OF THING.

SHE GOT ME OFF THE WILLIAMS-SONOMA MAILING LIST,

BUT THEN I JUST SIGNED BACK UP AGAIN.

HOOKED ON THEIR OVEN MITTS.

I NEED MY MITTS ON THOSE MITTS.

- LET ME KNOW THE SECOND DONNA RETURNS.

- ACCORDING TO HER TWITTER FEED,

SHE GOT COFFEE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

WAIT, NOT SHE'S USTREAMING HER WALK BACK.

SHE SHOULD BE HERE IN THREE, TWO, ONE.

both: HEY, HEY.

- HASHTAG QUEST FOR COFFEE, BLOWIN' UP MY TIMELINE.

YOU GET MY SNAPCHAT ABOUT IT?

- NO. - WHAT?

THERE IT IS.

- HEY, YOU WANTED TO SEE ME? - I DID.

THINK FAST. - OH, MY GOD.

HEY, DR. BUTTONS--

I MEAN, MY OLD CALCULATOR.

IT DOESN'T HAVE A NAME.

WHY DID YOU THROW THIS AT ME?

- I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH OUR OLD BOSS

FROM INDIANAPOLIS,

AND APPARENTLY THERE MAY BE SOME SORT OF

A BUDGET PROBLEM IN EAGLETON.

HE ASKED IF MAYBE YOU AND I

WOULDN'T HAVE A LOOK. YOU IN?

- BUTCH COUNT-SIDY AND THE SUM-DANCE KID,

TOGETHER AGAIN.

both: HMM. - AUDITING BROS!

- YEAH, AND AUDITING SISTAH. LET'S DO THIS.

OH, YOU'RE COMING?

- IF THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH EAGLETON,

I WANNA BE THERE.

THAT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.

BESIDES, I HAVE A NEW ROUTINE I'M WORKING ON.

KIND OF LIKE A JEFF FOXWORTHY-TYPE THING,

BUT ABOUT EAGLETON.

IF YOU MAKE YOUR OMELET

OUT OF FABERGE EGGS,

YOU JUST MIGHT... both: BE AN EAGLETONIAN.

YIPPEE! ROAD TRIP!

WHO'S EXCITED TO GO TO BLOOMINGTON?

- IS THAT WHERE YOU'RE GONNA SIT?

- I'M DRIVING. WHERE ELSE WOULD I SIT?

TRUNK.

- I HELPED APRIL GET INTO VET SCHOOL IN BLOOMINGTON

AND TODAY'S HER ORIENTATION,

SO WE'RE TAKING A LITTLE ROAD TRIP.

WHILE I'M THERE, I'M ALSO GONNA PICK UP

AN ORGANIC BABY BLANKET.

I WOULD GET ONE IN PAWNEE, BUT FUN FACT--

OUR ONLY BABY STORE IS ATTACHED TO A CHEMICAL REFINERY.

I MADE A SPECIAL ROAD TRIP MIX CD FOR US.

I HOPE YOU LIKE TORI AMOS. - OH, COOL.

- IT REALLY IS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU

IN THIS CONTEXT, INGRID.

SAY CHEESE.

DAMN IT. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION

SURROUNDING THE DEFICITS THAT YOU'RE RUNNING THIS YEAR?

OOH, GOSH.

WE DON'T REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT

MONEY.

WE FIND A LITTLE GAUCHE.

THIS IS A BUDGET MEETING.

- WELL, MOST OF OUR FILES ARE IN THESE BOXES

IF YOU REALLY WANNA TAKE A LOOK

AT HOW MUCH THAT WE'VE SPENT.

WHY DON'T WE JUST DIG IN

AND SEE WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST?

YES. AND THANK YOU.

WE REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP.

ARE YOU TIPPING ME?

IS THAT 100...EUROS?

- PEOPLE OUGHT TO HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I WANNA GET COMPLETELY OFF THE GRID.

THAT'S CRAZY TALK.

I LIVE FOR THE GRID.

IT'S WHERE I MEET 40% OF MY JUMP-OFFS.

- AND IF YOU'RE OFF THE GRID,

HOW ARE YOU GONNA POST PHOTOS

OF THE DOPE FOOD AT RESTAURANTS YOU'RE AT

AND ALL THE COOL PLACES YOU'RE STUNTIN' IN?

FOOD IS FOR EATING.

PLACES ARE FOR BEING. END OF DISCUSSION.

- DON'T LEAVE THE GRID, RON. THE GRID IS THE BEST.

- IF ANYTHING, YOU NEED TO GET MORE ON THE GRID.

both: GRID, GRID, GRID, GRID, GRID, GRID, GRID--

- IF YOU HELP ME GET OFF THE GRID,

I WILL LET BOTH OF YOU GO HOME EARLY.

both: NO GRID, NO GRID, NO GRID, NO GRID.

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU HAVE

EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR ORIENTATION?

YEAH, AN EMPTY SPRITE CAN,

AN OLD MAN'S FINGERNAIL IN MY POCKET,

AND A PICTURE OF PATRICK EWING

ON A ROLLER COASTER.

I'M ALL SET. - GREAT.

HI. MY FRIEND HERE IS ENROLLING

IN THE VET SCHOOL NEXT MONTH,

AND SHE WOULD LIKE TO BE SHOWN AROUND.

- TOTALLY, HAPPY TO. I'M LAURA.

I'M APRIL LUDGATE KEVORKIAN.

- SO YOU GO WITH LAURA, WHO SEEMS REALLY NICE

AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE TORTURED.

AND I WILL COME MEET UP WITH YOU

AFTER I FINISH AT THE BABY STORE.

- SURE YOU WANNA LEAVE ME HERE WITH HER?

WHAT IF I'M A MURDERER?

- OH, THAT'S FUNNY.

- THIS IS WORSE THAN I COULD'VE IMAGINED.

THEIR DEBT-TO-EQUITY RATIO IS RIDONKULOUS.

- WHAT A HILARIOUS WORD.

IT REMINDS ME OF A RIDICULOUS DONKEY.

HE'S THE BEST.

- WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THEM?

- THEY WERE IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE

A FEW YEARS AGO, LIKE PAWNEE WAS,

BUT THEIR GOVERNMENT JUST KEPT BORROWING MONEY.