Joe List: Small Ball

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List.

Thank you very much.

Wow. Wow.

Thank you very much. Wow.

That is very touching. All right, thank you.

YouTube is never gonna believe this.

They're gonna be like, "Nah, fake. Bullshit."

I'm dumb, I'm an idiot. Are you guys dumb?

Where are my dumb people? Who's dumb?

Come on.

Yeah. All right, nobody admitted to being dumb.

All right, nice. You look very smart, you're lying.

I love that you pat. He's like, "She is a little dumb."

I'm dumb. This is how dumb I am.

The other day, I live in New York,

I have a telephone and I was looking at it

and a bird shit on my phone, like a big ploppy bird shit.

That doesn't make me dumb.

But what does make me dumb is I was like, "Oh, that sucks.

But that's kind of funny."

And then I tried to screenshot the bird shit.

I took a screenshot.

I thought there was gonna be a photo

of bird shit on my phone.

And I was like, "Wait."

It took me a full like four seconds, I would say,

to be like, "Wait, what?

Ah, that's not." It's embarrassing.

It sucks when a bird shits on your phone, by the way,

'cause then you have to like,

you know, I don't carry a handkerchief

and like there's no,

you don't wanna wipe it on your clothes.

So I just had to walk around with bird shit on my,

it felt like I was serving bird shit, just kinda.

I got all the way home.

My wife's like, "Why are you holding your phone like that?"

And I was like, "A bird shit on it."

And she's like, "Why didn't you get a napkin or something?"

I'm like, "I don't, fuck, I tried to screenshot it.

All right? I'm not smart.

I'm a moron. I think technology's making us dumber.

'Cause like we react, you ever try to zoom in on something

that's not a phone?

- Yes. - You have, right?

Like you look at a menu and you're like,

"Why isn't this?"

I did it to my wife's vagina recently.

It's true. I wanted to see where the pee hole is.

I don't know where women urinate from.

So I was kind of like, "Let me,

I wanna finally see that thing."

There's two holes down there. Did you guys know that?

I don't even think women know that.

Yeah, there's the sex hole and the pee hole.

There's the asshole also. I don't wanna leave that out.

Anyways, I'm dumb and I wanna be smart.

I look smart. I got a cool jacket and glasses.

But I'm a big idiot.

I try to watch film and have like,

but I never get it the way I'm supposed to.

You ever watch a movie with a friend

and then after the movie's over, your friend is like,

"You know what that movie was about?"

And then you're like, "Yeah, sharks."

And your friend is like, "No. Communism."

And you're like, "Fuck. Seriously?

"There were so many sharks in it though."

And then your friend goes, "It was an allegory."

And then you gotta go to the bathroom

and look up what allegory means.

Have you guys ever had this experience?

You're like, "What the fuck?"

You gotta come back and play it off.

You're like, "It was a film with a secret hidden message,

usually political or moral.

Those were communist sharks now that I think a little more.

Fidel Sharkstro, right? Huh?"

They're like, "What? No."

I'm like, "All right."

I like to watch a movie with a really smart person

and then rewatch the same movie with a dumb person.

And then I take the smart person's interpretations

so at least one person thinks I'm smart.

I watch the same film.

I'm like, "What do you think? This movie's about sharks?"

He's like, "It's not?" And I'm like, "No, you idiot.

It's an alimony. Why don't you learn how to watch a film?

This is cinema. Those sharks are communists, obviously."

And then he's like, "What is communism exactly?"

And I'm like, "Ah, I'm not taking

follow up questions right now.

Lemme take a shit and then I'll tell you,

I'll know a little bit more about communism

after I get this out and I'll have a few words.

I think it's a religion of some sort."

I'm stupid. I thought Picasso was Italian.

Did you guys think that, the painter?

- Yeah. - Right?

It sounds Italian, doesn't it?

I don't know who said "Yeah," but right?

Picasso, fucking hey. Picasso.

I hear, oh, I think Italian. Spaghetti Os, Picasso.

I thought he was like, "Hey, I'm painting cubes.

What do you want from me?" You know?

"I got both eyes on the same side of the head, so blow me."

You know what I mean?

I thought he was like fuck hey, Picassio.

I thought all painters were Italian.

First of all, I thought it was like Michelangelo, da Vinci,

Joe Pesci's mother in "Goodfellas."

But he's Spanish. Did you guys know that?

Some of you probably knew that.

- Yeah. - Yeah. He's Spanish.

He's from Spain.

I found out 'cause I went to an art museum

right here in the great city of Chicago,

the Art Institute, classic.

They have Picasso paintings and I saw, I was like,

"Oh, those those are good."

Like I don't know a lot about art,

but I know he's good, Picasso.

He's top 10 in my opinion.

And they had a big painting

and underneath there was a plaque

and it says Picasso, Spain.

And I was so confident, I didn't even think I was wrong.

I was like, "That is a big fuck up right there."

I just "Woo."

I was like, "Honey, they got a typo over here.

That's hilarious."

I reported it. I went to the front desk.

I was like, "Just a heads up.

I don't wanna get you guys in trouble.

But you have the wrong country for Picasso.

He's Italian. I think everybody knows that."

The lady said "Pablo?"

And I was like, "You know what? That does sound Spanish.

Now that I hear it out loud."

His name is Pablo Picasso, he is from Spain. I was way off.

Spain or Spanish has a lot of Os also, I realize.

They have Pablo and queso, taco.

All the foods really. Burrito.

I knew nothing about Picasso.

I was kind of embarrassed 'cause I feel like I know

about the arts a little bit.

I looked him up, I read his Wikipedia page

and did you know this?

He died in 1973. Did you guys know that?

I thought he died in 1380. I almost shit.

1973. Picasso had a car.

Is that unbelievable to you guys?

Pablo Picasso was driving around Spain in like a Honda Civic

listening to Led Zeppelin on the radio.

Ozzy Osborne and Pablo Picasso

were working at the same time.

He saw six Super Bowls.

That's great. I thought he lived next to a blacksmith.

The guy's like at home watching the Green Bay Packers

play the Kansas City Chiefs on a colored television set,

drinking Mountain Dew.

I feel like people don't laugh at that,

'cause I feel like when I say Mountain Dew, people are like,

"Wait, no, Mountain Dew came out in like '78, '79, right?"

Is that what you're thinking? 'Cause that's what I thought.

I said it one night on stage and I was like,

"I gotta fact check myself."

And I looked up Mountain Dew and you're gonna shit.

What year do you think Mountain Dew came out? Take a guess.

'44.

'44. You ruined my joke.

1940. You were so close.

I really needed you to say 1985 or something, you asshole.

I don't mean it. You look upset.

You're not an asshole. I'm just trying to be funny.

That was a perfect guess. You nailed it.

I just wasn't expecting you to get it so good.

We'll retake it. Just say 1982.

Ready? We're gonna take this from the top.

Sir, what year do you think Mountain Dew came out?

'83.

I said '82. What the hell?

You blew it.

What the? Stop improvising.

All right, take three.

What year do you think Mountain Dew came out?

- '82. - '82.

You're way off.

That's the year I came out. '82.

Of my mother. Not the closet.

That's 2026.

Anyways, leave this all in. This is gold, folks.

Anyways, 1944 is a great guess. 1940 Mountain Dew came out.

Is that crazy? Is that shocking to you guys?

Not to you, but to you guys, is that shocking? 1940.

Hitler was jacked up on Mountain Dew. Is that crazy?

He was like in a bunker. Like, "Ah, do the Dew," you know?

That's not a great impression. I'm not an impressionist.

Anyways, yeah, 1940, Mountain Dew.

Anyways, Picasso. Horrible guy, Picasso.