Bob Hearts Abishola

Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

"MaxDot Therapeutic Hosiery.

Robert J. Wheeler, president."

Hmm. "Therapeutic hosiery." Mm.

Very fancy.

He was actually quite nice.

He said he didn't want to be a bother,

and if I changed my mind, "the ball is in my court."

Oh, like in basketball.

No, no, it's tennis.

Ever seen how big this man is?

He does not play tennis.

- It's just a saying. - What is?

The ball in your court. It means she can call him.

Well, I'm not calling anybody.

I have work, I have school, I have my son.

I have no time for balls.

Well, there goes the second date.

Auntie, Uncle, can we speak privately, please?

Don't worry. Uh, we are Team Bob.

What is he doing here?

We invited him for tea and biscuits

to discuss whether a match could be made.

A match? I do not want a match.

It's not about what you want.

It's about what is good for the whole family.

Okay, it is decided.

Abishola will have tea with you on Tuesday afternoon.

The only way I would spend time with Abishola

is if she wants to.

Ooh. This is bad.

Abishola?

I will have tea with you.

Are you sure? 'Cause I don't want you to do

anything against your will.

I said will have tea with you. Stop talking.

Oh, that's wonderful news.

Your brother's grandson got accepted

to the University of Nigeria.

- Which grandson? - Which grandson?

Number 12.

Oh. David.

Good. Ooh. Ask her to send us a bag of stockfish.

You can get that at the supermarket.

Oh, they don't sell the heads. I like the heads.

Okay. Please send stockfish.

Make sure you wrap it properly.

Last time, the suitcase smelled terrible

and I had to tell the man at the airport

that Tunde had a leg infection.

You didn't have to tell him anything.

We could have just left.

Good morning, Auntie and Uncle.

- Good morning, Abishola. - Good morning.

Yes, Abishola is doing very well.

She finally met a man.

Uh-uh. Who are you talking to?

- My sister. - Which one?

The one who gave birth to you.

Mommy, I did not meet anyone.

Move away. This is my conversation.

Between work and school,

Abishola had no chance of meeting somebody

until I stepped in.

You're welcome.

His name is Bob, he's American and he owns a big sock company.

He was so honored to meet us that he followed us to our home.

Eh, after he caught you spying on him.

I have already said you are welcome.

Uh, Dele, the grown-ups are talking. Go to school.

- But I'm hungry. - Be hungry for knowledge.

Yes, he's handsome.

Like Kevin James with a mustache...

...only more orobo.

Orobo? Bob is not that fat.

Yes.

Trust me, he's orobo.

_

So if I want to say hello in her language...

- E karo. - E karo.

No, no, no, e karo.

Pretty sure that's what I said.

Now, how do you say goodbye?

- O dabo. - O dabo. O dabo.

O dabo, o dabo. You know, I speak Mandarin.

I did not know that.

_

Nice. Now I want Chinese for lunch.

Okay, this is important.

How do you say, "I'm sorry your aunt and uncle forced you

"to spend time with me, but I really enjoyed myself

and I'd like to do it again"?

Ma binu iya iya re ati egbon re fi agbara

mu o lati lo akoko pelu mi,

sugbon mo gbadun ara mi ati Mo fe lati se e leekansi.

Uh, w-what's that first word? Binu?

It means, "I'm sorry."

That's good. That's all I need.

_

So, how are things with you and the sock king?

There are no things.

There is just tea.

Very good.

It's going very good.

Every sock king needs a sock queen.

Stop it, both of you.

If I were to marry again...

- You will. - I won't.

- You will. You wi... - I won't. I won't.

But if I were to marry again,

it would only be to a Nigerian man.

Only? That kind of narrows down your options, doesn't it?

Don't listen to her. She has many options.

Top of the list, Nigerian man, same tribe.

- Yoruba. - Mm-hmm.

Then Nigerian man, different tribe.

- Igbo. - Mm-hmm.

Then other Africans.

Except Tunisians and Egyptians.

Obviously.

Then Caribbean, then white,

then African-American.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Wait, wait.

So, a black man is last on your list?

Below white men?

You get it.

I get that you full of crap.

- Hmm? - Huh-uh.

All you Africans think you better than us.

- Well... - Well, what?

You don't make it easy for yourselves.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, come on.

Gangbangers, welfare stamps, the baby mamas.

You're just buying into that racist propaganda

you see on TV.

There are more white people on food stamps and welfare

than black people.

That's not what it says on the Fox News.

- Which is fair and balanced. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Next time I get an e-mail from a Nigerian prince,

you want me to assume it's one of you heffas trying to scam me?

Calm down, both of you. Heffa? Who are you calling heffa?

Kemi, Kemi, you are upsetting Gloria.

You both upsetting Gloria.

You think white folks see a difference between us?

To them, we all look the same.

You get pulled over by a cop,

he's not gonna see your little ranking system.

He's just gonna see this.

We wouldn't get pulled over.

We obey the traffic laws.

_

Hey, what are you doing there? Get away.

Why are you reading about Nigeria?

I said, get away.

All right, all right.

- You ever hear of privacy? - Ah, calm down.

It's not like there's any porn on there.

- How do you know? - I looked.

Mom's browsing history is more interesting than yours.

So, why Nigeria?

Don't worry about it.

Ooh. Is it a charity thing?

People buy a pair of socks,

we give away a pair to a poor person?

We're not doing that.

You sure? We don't really have to give anything away.

Nobody checks.

That's not happening.

So, what's the deal, then?

None of your business.

We're only as sick as our secrets, big brother.

- Where'd you get that? - Alcoholics Anonymous saying.

Are you...?

No, no, no. I just like dating women in recovery.

- Why is that? - Less pressure.

They hate themselves before they sleep with me.

Come on. What's the deal?

Fine. I met somebody.

In Nigeria?

- No. - Then where?

In the hospital.

That nurse you were looking for.

- Yeah. - Oh.

So, she's Nigerian, then?

Yeah.

Just to be clear, we're not talking African-American,

we're talking, like, African-African?

Or just African.

Right.

Looking at a map, where's Nigeria?

Between Benin and Cameroon.

Oh, sure, yeah. Now I know.

By the way, you and her, it'll never work.

Why not?

Bob. Bob. Bob.

A bird may love a fish,

but where will they build a home together?