30 Rock

She's asleep.

Hey, it's mommy!

- I'm in Beijing! - Shh.

- Liddy just went to sleep. - Well, wake here up, Jack.

She needs to hear her mommy's voice.

No, when she's ready, Dr. Kevorkian says

we have to put her down.

He's a very good pediatrician,

but that is an unfortunate name.

Oh, come on, she'll fall back asleep.

No. Call back tomorrow.

She has babynomics at 11:00.

Liddy! It's your mother!

Imprinting! Imprinting!

God, Tracy could have cleaned up before he left.

And why did he leave all this soda here?

What are you doing? That's his urine.

He is not well.

Someday this place is gonna be a kickass duplex,

like on Different Strokes.

Conrad bain once slapped me in a men's room.

I've just gotta get rid of all these boxes.

I don't even know what this stuff is anymore.

Comence a estudiar these, but then yo gave up.

Here's the novel I never finished.

Hmm...

"Liz stabbed Jenna repeatedly."

The Secret?

I gave you this five years ago.

- You still haven't read it? - Ehh...

It works, Liz. Look at me.

Ever since I started secreting,

I've become a TV star, I found my soul mate,

you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the oscars...

I visualized all of that.

Jenna, the only way to make things happen

in the real world is by taking action.

Oh, I've taken action.

It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing.

No, I'm talking about taking control.

Like I do every day at work.

I found Tracy, I saved the show.

I always think of a third thing when I'm listing stuff.

If taking control is so great,

then how do you explain your personal life?

I mean, look at the post-it

Oh, boy.

You're right.

I just have to care about myself

as much as I care about work.

Starting right now.

I'm gonna clean this apartment

while I learn Spanish.

Last year, I used The Secret to learn Spanish,

and now I'm fluent.

Rosa,

I know you stole my necklace.

I'll have your son deported.

Oh, wait, I found my necklace.

Oh, boy.

Great news, Jack.

I've got a new life philosophy that I call Lizbeanism.

I see. And how did you come up with that name?

Well, I'm Liz, and obviously,

my philosophy is simple, like a bean.

I'm fixing problems in my personal life

the same way I fix problems at work.

I saved the show, now I'm gonna save me!

Because lizbeanism means that I am a dyke...

against the rising waters of mediocrity.

- Good for you, Lemon. - Check this out, Jack.

Tile samples. First, I redo the bathroom,

then I redo the whole apartment, and then the world.

I'm impressed, Lemon. You're talking like a winner.

I'm going to give you...

One of my neckties.

This is a big moment for me.

You're taking control of your destiny.

No matter how strait the gate

or charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

That's from Invictus!

Wait, who was the white guy in that?

Maybe someday you'll be like me,

running a billion-dollar corporation,

having people pay you for the privilege

of cutting your hair... raising a child.

You're raising a child? Come on.

I think Avery is probably doing that.

Not really. Avery's been traveling a lot

as part of NBC news' hot blondes in weird places initiative.

So she's been out of the baby loop

until Liddy is sleep-trained.

Frankly, it might be easier

if Avery stays in Asia.

Be careful what you wish for.

According to The Secret , it'll come true.

I wish Liz Lemon would leave so I could go back to work.

Oh... oh... What's pulling me?

I want to stay here and keep boring Jack!

Oh, okay.

I really fell. I need help.

Tracy, welcome back.

I think I speak for all of us

when I say how thrilled--

Great impression of a guy that sucks, dotcom.

Look, we got a lot of work to catch up on.

Yes, sir. It just feels so good

to have the three musketeers and dotcom back together again.

Ooh. Whoops.

Smooth move, Ferguson.

What are you laughing about?

Oh, nothing, sir.

Just an inside joke from when you were gone.

You kinda needed to be there.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

You three are not allowed to have inside jokes

that I'm not a part of.

I can have inside jokes that you're not a part of.

For example, "hot feet."

Or, "ask Melissa about it."

But my entourage serves me.

And "smooth move, Ferguson" is not funny to me.

So it id forbidden. Understand?

Next order of business, Grizz's DVD reviews

for this weekend.

You wouldn't expect a movie called Somewhere

to go absolutely nowhere.

What's that?

Tony, there's a bag in that tree,

and it's right outside the window

of my soon-to-be-perfect-life apartment.

If you're not in the building, I don't have to talk to you.

Trees are city property.

You have to take it up with City Hall.

That's your mother, Liddy.

Say hello.

Who's ready for Skype sex?

- No, this is the Liddy call. - What I can't see?

You people have too much money.

Hi, Sherry!

I don't know why our daughter would be afraid of Reagan.

Are you accusing me of not doing

enough Reagan time with her?

No, of course not.

Listen, news wants me to extend the trip.

But I can get out of it if you need me there to help.

No. You stay.

- Are you sure? - I'm sure.

Bring back some throwing stars for Liddy.

I will.

And thank you for being the best husband ever.

Hey, do you want to watch me eat jelly beans...

Real slow?

Yes.

Smooth move, Ferguson.

I knew it!

I knew you were saying that behind my back.

- How long were you in there? - I knew you wouldn't stop!

And now your failure leaves us with only one option.

Explain to me why "smooth move, Ferguson" is funny!

Well, while you were away, we ordered Mexican food.

And the delivery guy tripped,

and then mister Griswald said, "smooth move, Ferguson."

That story is not funny!

Sir, you had to be there.

Then I will be.

We are going to recreate all the events

surrounding "smooth move, Ferguson"

exactly as they occurred.

Maybe then we can get on with our lives.

Let's get to work.

Jonathan, what is going on?

Sir, you need to see this.

Even if it ruins whatever you had planned

for Secretary's Day, like a poem you wrote for me,

or whatever.

We go now to a pre-taped statement

from super-crazy Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

People of North Korea,

it is your dear leader, Kim Jong-Il,

world's greatest golfer and movie director,

and best man at Tom Brady's wedding.

As we all know,

the decadent Western journalist spy Laura Ling

left us because she can't party as hard as we can.

- I know, right? - I know, right?

But now, another American reporter

has come to North Korea because it's awesome,

and we have enough food.

Avery Jessup.

Her name is Avery Jessup, and like me,

her hair is blonde.

One of our own, NBC's Avery Jessup Donaghy,

detained in North Korea.

More on that as it develops.

But first, it's never too early

to plan your dog's Halloween costume.

I told her to stay. I didn't want her at home.