Two and a Half Men

Alan?

Alan, what are you doing?

There are dust bunnies everywhere.

Oh...

so you're vacuuming dust bunnies?

No, their poop.

Are you sleepwalking?

You're stepping in it, you're stepping in it!

Don't step in it!

Alan.

Why don't we leave the dust bunny poop until morning?

Click. Hey.

Come on, come on.

Let's get you tucked in,

you crazy son of a bitch.

Gort, klaatu barata nikto.

What?

You know.

Okay, that's it-- into bed.

Nighty-night.

And if you feel the need

to get up and clean something again,

maybe you can wax my car.

Oh! For God's sake, Rose.

Isn't there enough poop on the carpet tonight?

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry.

I saw your lights come on, and I was worried.

Why were you looking at my house at 3:00 in the morning?

Haven't you heard of the Neighborhood Watch?

We don't have a neighborhood watch.

Well, not yet.

If we did, I surely couldn't stroll in here

like I just did.

So, what's going on?

Nothing. Alan was sleepwalking.

At least I hope that was sleepwalking.

Oh. Sure.

My parents used to put a football helmet on me

and strap me in bed.

You were a sleepwalker?

No.

Good night, Rose.

Good night, Charlie.

Thank you; I had a wonderful time.

If crazy ever becomes an Olympic event,

I got the first two legs of the relay.

Ah!

What?

Nothing.

Man, I'm living in a loony bin.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

Well, Judith, I don't care

what all the other divorced parents are doing.

I don't think Jake needs to keep seeing the psychologist.

No, I am not in denial.

Judith, denying you're in denial is not denial.

Okay, okay... okay, look, this is how it's going to be.

I will have Jake at the psychologist's office at 11:00.

You're welcome.

Damn it!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Were you talking to Mom?

Yes, but I hung up before I said the bad stuff.

Yeah, she does the same thing with you.

Hey.

Morning. Uh, why is the vacuum cleaner out?

Because we were ankle deep in bunny poop.

Were you drinking last night?

Yes, but that's not the point.

You were sleepwalking.

Really? I have no memory of being up.

Good for you,

because I have no memory of being asleep.

I'm sorry; I haven't done that

since I was a kid.

Yeah, well, if you're going to regress,

let me know so I can stock up on rubber sheets.

Okay, that was uncalled for.

Hey, Jake, you want to go to the bowling alley

and play some air hockey today?

Sure, but you still owe me, like, $12,000 from last time.

What are you going to do, break my thumbs?

Wouldn't hurt your game.

Just remember,

we've got Jake's "session" first.

Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him

to go back to that quack.

I didn't, but Judith and I talked,

and we decided that what I want

makes no difference whatsoever.

Man, you are so whipped.

I'm not whipped.

I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.

Meow. Fit-choo!

I am not meow-fitchooed.

You're right.

It's been a long time since you got any meow.

Are we getting a cat?

You know, this is a waste of time.

Jake's a normal kid.

I know, but it's not going to hurt

to have someone outside the family he can talk to.

Oh, please.

He's just sitting in there making stuff up.

What?

Well, not really making it up.

He and I work out his schtick beforehand.

Today he's telling her he sees dead people.

Charlie, I am paying this woman a lot of money.

Bet you feel pretty stupid, huh?

What do you want me to do?

Judith is insisting he comes here once a week.

Okay, look, nobody likes divorce,

but there are certain advantages.

One of the more popular ones

is you get to tell your ex-wife to bite the big one.

Or whatever you got left.

Oh, that'll help.

Look, it's just an hour out of our day.

Which could have been spent on air hockey

and bowling alley martinis.

It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.

Okay, I understand.

Thank you.

You're a big girl.

Are there any out here?

No.

Good.

We'll see you next Saturday.

Doctor, you should know,

he doesn't really see dead people.

Oh, of course not.

He's just trying to resolve emotional issues

through visualized fantasy.

Do you have my check?

Hey, Dad, how come we never

got spare ribs when we were at Mom's house?

Because your mom thinks they're too fatty.

Fit-choo!

Is that really necessary?

Hey, if the fit-choo fits...

Fit-choo!

Are you happy?

Come on, he doesn't know what it means.

Fine.

Anybody see the pancakes

for the moo-shu chicken?

No, looks like they forgot them.

Just eat it with a fork.

You don't eat moo-shu with a fork.

You eat moo-shu with a pancake like a little Chinese taco.

Okay, all right.

You want a taco shell?

No, I don't want a taco shell.

I want a pancake for my moo-shu.

I ordered pancakes.

I paid for pancakes.

Where the hell are my pancakes?!

Alan, chill.

I will not chill.

I want what I ordered.

For once in my life,

I will get what was promised me.

Fit-choo!

See? Not a clue.

I am going to call that restaurant

and give them a piece of my mind.

That's smart-- scream at the people

who handle your food.

Is he okay?

Oh, yeah; maybe a little tired.

Just been working pretty hard.

You know my second grade teacher, Miss Spulvaney?

One time she got mad 'cause there was no chalk,

and they found her in the cafeteria

hiding under a lunch table.

No kidding.

Yup, she went berserk.

That's how we got Miss McKinnon.

Hi.

Rose... how do you keep getting in the house?

Oh, Charlie, aren't we past that?

I just thought you'd like to know

that your brother's sleepwalking again.

And you had to get in bed with me to tell me that?

No, silly.

I was already in bed with you.

I just heard him

walking around downstairs.

Alan?

What are you doing?

Making a birthday cake.

You and Mom want some?

You handle this, honey.

I'm going back to bed.

Jake, your grandmother's here.

Oh, man.