Teachers

Does that say "tea-bagging"?

Yeah, we're studying the American Revolution.

Oh, but that just says "tea-bagging."

No, I get it!

Using your yoga Groupon is much more important

than supporting your kid's broke-ass school!

Mrs. Jacobson just same-day canceled on me so she could

taint-bait some yogi with her downward dog.

Deb, again?

Every time you can't find parent volunteers

we're forced to do lunch duty.

Yeah, and I'm not cut out for manual labor, okay?

I don't even vacuum. I own a Roomba.

Why am I the only one who has a problem

getting these self-centered, d-bag parents

to come in and volunteer for me?

- - What?

Maybe if you were a little less...

- abrasive? - that!

I'm not gonna mollycoddle a bunch of whimpering

adult babies.

They can go prison-bang themselves.

What's so funny?

Oh, no, no.

I'm working on my routine.

The annual talent show at my church is this weekend,

and I'm gonna do a stand-up comedy.

- Wanna hear a joke? - Okay.

Why do they always have so many donuts after church?

I mean, are we worshipping God...

or getting fat?

Do the math, people!

Right?

Because of course we're worshipping God.

Mary Louise, do yourself and everyone else a favor...

- And keeping writing new jokes! - Okay.

I'd love to hear something edgier.

All right, but bring your BAND-AIDs

'cause someone might get cut.

Could someone else please tell this idiot

that she has a new ESL student coming in?

- Stop. - Okay,

you have a new student today.

Ooh, I hope they're stylish.

This year my whole class is off-the-rack.

Yeah.

It's like looking at a room full of Sears mannequins.

Oh, my God, that's right off the kids' runway in mini-Milan.

Hey, sweetie!

You must be my lucky new student.

Ah, look at you! We could be twins!

Great dress.

Usually when someone tells me I have a nice dress

I return the complement.

Like, for instance, you could compliment my

perfectly arched eyebrows, and protruding clavicle.

A diva. I like it. What's you name?

Oh, my God, you poor thing.

You're not American!

Hey, I need some volunteers for lunch duty this week.

- Sign up. - Yeah, this week's bad.

We're getting audited at work.

- Sorry. - No, I get it.

I had a dad who worked too much, too.

We don't talk anymore, so I'm no longer such a burden.

Terry, help me out. Lunch duty. I'm signing you up.

So sorry, gotta take this!

That's a Nutri-Grain bar, Terry!

Less abrasive. Less abrasive.

Sir, excuse me! Sir...

Oh. Mrs. Foster. Ah, I'm so sorry.

I was just wondering if there was any way

you could possibly sign up for lunch...

Right.

Took it up the ass and I didn't even get a volunteer.

I mean, I know I'm beyond amazing with kids,

but never had a non-English speaking student before.

You'll be fine.

I had this kid from Vietnam last year,

he didn't learn much English from me,

but now, I can say "suck my " in Vietnamese:

!

You're right. My natural charm transcends all languages.

Mm-hmm.

Fan out. The sixth graders are passing around porn again.

We're on erection detection for the rest of the day.

Nothing can derail a lesson on the Apaches

more than a kid's first public hard-on.

Ugh.

Oh, oh, okay. Here's another edgy one.

Why do parents let their kids watch Donald Duck?

I mean, the guy's got no pants on.

Do the math, people!

- - I'm having fun!

Wow.

- These are really funny. - I know.

But I bet you would do even better with observational humor.

You know, everyday things that everyone can relate to.

Oh! Okay. I got it.

Why do they call it a cafeteria?

I mean, it's not a cafe...

and it's not a teria.

Do the math, people!

Okay, somebody get a hose! I'm on fire.

Deb has got to get some volunteers.

I haven't spent so much time in the kitchen

since my father fired the staff for drinking.

Actually, I snagged 300 frozen French toast sticks,

so it worked out for me.

Oh my God. Her boobs are huge!

Hey! What did we tell you at lunch?

No more porn.

"Harry Pooter and the Sorcerer's Bone"?

It's Mrs. Adler!

That's how she paid for Oberlin.

Last night, I re-watched the movie that inspired me

to get into education.

It's about a teacher who works with a foreign girl.

That's awesome. What's it called?

- "The Miracle Worker." - She's not foreign.

She blind and deaf and she's Helen Keller.

Whatever, it gave me hope for Annika.

Hope for Annika. That will be the title of our movie.

Hey, guys! Check it out.

I got a stand-up comedy blazer last night.

And I wrote some of those

observational jokes you suggested.

- Wanna hear one? - Okay.

Hey, ladies! I've been noticing a lot of you

have been wearing sneakers.

Why do they call 'em sneakers? They're not sneaky.

They're right there! On your feet!

Do the math, people!

Is that a joke? Oh, .

That is, my time! I'm out!

We can't let you go on like this.

Yeah. That's the worse thing that's ever happened to me,

and I was water-boarded to get into my sorority.

We need to talk to you. It's about Deb.

I've been a bad wizard.

Oh, no!

Ah!

- Eah! - Ah! Ah!

If you're good, I'll put it in your Dumbledore.

Heerah! Whooooa!

I mean, it has to be her, right?

No, no! I mean, I know Deb has a fiery temper,

but I can't imagine she'd spank a poor old wizard like that.

Well, if it is her, she should be proud.

This is the best parody porn I've seen since

"Who's Eating Out Gilbert Grape."

- Someone should warn her. - Not me.

If there's one person who would kill the messenger,

- it's Deb. - Yeah.

I'm not gonna be the one to tell her

the entire school has seen her sodomize Voldemort

with a Quidditch broom.

Ah! Ah! Ah...

What are you doing in my class?

Hi, Ben Ross, Matt's dad. I'm here to submit.

- To be a volunteer. - Yeah, me too.

Tell us whatever you want us to do, and we will do it.

Are you guys yanking my chain?

- Do you want us too? - What?

No one ever volunteers for me.

Why are you all suddenly here?

Because I admire the work you do.

Yes, same here.

I recently became aware of your amazing work.

We will do whatever you tell us.

- Yes. -

Okay, um, uh, you guys are on hot lunch duty.

Hot.

Go to the cafeteria and toss some salad.

He's gonna need a partner. May I go with?

- Fine. - Yes!

Uh, and the rest of you... go organize the shelves.

Wanna help? Get on your knees!

Now we're talking! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Now!

Wa-ter.

Say it. Wa-ter.

No. Water.

Oh!

I see so much of myself in you!