Samuel the Boy Prophet

Dude, sorry you got rejected.

What? No, I-- Where-- How did you know that?

'Cause I threw you a going-away party and you're here.

Italy rejected you.

Now I'm being told I can't expense the bar tab.

Italy. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I can totally pitch in if you--

Thanks.

It was a real body-shot type of night.

- Hoo-hoo! - Ooh.

Did you bring us back any souvenirs?

I never actually went to Italy.

What about a souvenir from the airport?

Didn't make it there either.

Oh.

The Superior Scoop said you did.

_

I know you work with him,

but you don't mind if I get really graphic

about my night with Kevin, do you?

More graphic than you just were?

How? You described the way his back smelled.

When a body part smells like lemons and turkey dogs,

it's worth noting.

Anyway, I've called and texted

and he hasn't called me back, and I don't know what to do.

Look, Patti, you are a great roommate,

but I don't think I like being in the middle of this thing you have with Kevin.

Oh. Okay.

That's cool.

Just delete the videos I sent you then.

_

Come on.

Hey, thanks for the lift, man.

The tow yard should be releasing my car tomorrow,

so this shouldn't be for much longer.

That's no problem. I'm down for the carpool,

saving the Earth and whatnot.

I know. It just makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

What? Freeloading-wise or because I haven't made

a good left turn since you've been in here?

Well, mostly because of him.

- Who? Don? - Yeah.

- Oh, you're going to have to get used to Don. -Mm-Hmm.

When you left me for Italy, I had to look after myself.

I never went to Italy.

Brian's profile said you did.

You made me turn to the Internet to find a friend, Kevin.

Let me tell you something. You search "fit man seeking man,"

gonna find some crazy stuff.

A lot of men out there not as fit as what they claim.

97% match.

Two percent body fat.

What's your body fat percentage, Kev?

A hundred percent don't care, Don.

- Hmm... - Whoa!

Go around the back. Go around the back.

Thought I saw Audrey.

Not sure how many more close calls with her I can take.

- Ha. No, after you. - You know what? No, you.

- I'll just... - No, it's okay. I go.

- Oh, my. - Oh!

- Oh my. - Okay, bye. Bye.

It's just so awkward.

Why did I ever write her a love letter?

I could have lived a full and happy life

getting a Post-it Note from her every morning,

sharing a candy bar every afternoon.

I ruined everything.

Gah! Okay.

I gotta hurry in there.

Gotta sit down before she does

and not move till after she leaves.

Kev, Kev, your bag.

- Your bag. Your bag. - Yeah. Thank you.

Kev, is that Audrey?

Brian: Was that her right there?

- She's inside now. It's Al-- - Shut up, man.

Okay.

Who are you?

Patti.

I can't get Kevin to call me back,

so I showed up uninvited and came in through the unlocked door.

Who are you?

Roxie. I'm Kevin's sister.

I'm the one who left the door unlocked.

I didn't know he had a stalker.

I didn't know he had a sister.

I like your hat.

I'm loving your entire outfit.

Thank you.

- How are you? - Oh. You're here.

It was so quiet over there.

Well, I'm a super quiet breather.

Which is not why I called you here today.

Which I did not...

I... I wanted to...

tell you that I'm moving desks.

I just-- I... I put in the request.

I think it's gonna be just better for both of us.

Yeah. I think that's a great idea.

It's a good call... man.

Hey, I hope you don't mind

my hopping in here before the chair is even cold.

HR said I could take possession of your desk

as long as I waive the inspection.

How did you even know I was moving?

There was a notice in The Superior Scoop.

Hey, you don't mind if I make a few minor changes, do you?

I just need something that works for the way I live.

Hey, neighbs.

So Patti is stalking me?

I know. I was as surprised as you are.

Oh. Cinnamon.

No, no, no. Wait, wait. Jalapeño.

Oh, this is so hard.

Oh, man. What am I gonna tell her?

Oh, nothing. I already took care of it.

Here's the thing, girl.

Kevin has a fiancée.

- He does? - Yes.

And at your apartment that day, he was trying to get

a wedding invitation back that he sent to Audrey.

His fiancée made him uninvite work people

'cause they're trying to save money for their triplets.

But I made him make love to me.

I know. He slipped up.

But if it makes you feel any better,

he said it was a really, really unusual experience.

Oh.

- He did? - Yeah.

And if I were you, I would just forget about him and move on.

You're too good for him anyway.

I'm not sure lying about a fiancée was the best idea?

Oh, no. Trust me, Kev.

With a girl like Patti, you want to make sure

she knows there is zero chance.

It was either a fiancée of faking your death,

which takes a lot of time.

Honestly, that's just not time that I have right now.

- (phone beeps) - Okay, where was I?

Hi. Welcome.

I'm Simon, this is Paul Garfunkel.

Some people call us the famous singing duo's names.

Simon and Garfunkel. I get it.

No. Common mistake.

It's Hall and Oates because I like to pace the hallway like an animal,

and he eats dry oatmeal.

It's nice to meet you guys.

Simon would like to apologize for his odor.

It's just my shingles cream.

Excuse me, is there a shade for that?

Never mind.

Whoa.

Ricky, did you just lose power?

Yes, of my own body. I have restless feet syndrome

and kicked out the cords. Don't worry.

It only happens a few times a day.

- (clattering) - Oh my...

Sorry!

Do you want me to put my balls on your neck?

What?

Let me just confirm

that you're talking about the wooden things

- in your hand. - Yeah.

That's the way we take a break.

Break is exactly what we need!

Why don't we share a candy bar, huh?

Simon? Garfunkel?

Simon! Candy break!

Uh...

Who did this? Who-- Who has done this?

Ricky, calm down.

It was me.

What's your game, sister?

I was trying to be nice.

By making fun of my round head.

No. That is not you.

It's a smiley face,

the universal sign of friendliness.

I always did it for Kevin and he never once yelled at me.

Oh. That's sweet, but...

I'm going to report you for aggressive behavior.

What?

Yes, bitch.

Kevin: Hi. I'm sorry.

You know, maybe moving wasn't a solution.

Kevin, I hate this new desk arrangement.

Look, I never should have written you that letter.

I...

I was drunk and I poured my heart out

and I said some stupid, stupid things

- and-- - Kevin, please.

- You don't need to apologize for anything. - No, yes I do.

I really screwed up when I mailed it to you,

and now we're stuck being awkward around each other.

I'm getting massages I don't even want.

I-- I probably have shingles!

God. I saw him hug you.