After the Reality

What?

- Dad? - Dad!

All right, you're all mic'd up there and ready to go.

I can't believe I'm getting your voicemail again.

This is it, Scottie. Dad only has a few weeks left.

When are you flying in? Just call me back.

All right cliff, magic time!

If I was smart, I'd fire him. Really?

Yeah.

- Hey Joe. - Good luck!

Can we get last looks?

Good to see you again. Quiet please!

All right, let's, uh, talk about Kelly.

You saw her tape, right? She saw yours.

I gotta be honest, you know,

I can already sense this chemistry between the two of you. Do you?

Uh well, sh-she's beautiful. What, what else is there to say?

I mean she's, she's an all-American girl.

Oh come on, Scottie, give me more. What did you think?

Did you think she was marriage material? Princess material?

- Oh, uh, y-you want me to sell it? Scottie, I just want you.

There's no doubt about it. Kelly is that girl next door,

who gives you that kind of look that makes you want to come down from your horse.

Kelly's my dream girl, but she's more than a dream.

It's really kind of exciting when you see her.

She's like one of the guys, you know?

This season of young bucks comes to an end Monday night.

She is a knockout!

Even darkness is not dark to Kelly.

She's blonde. I'm blond.

I've always kind of liked those brother sister couples a little bit.

This weekend, relive the magic of the last six weeks

with your favorite young buck episodes.

I'm a hugger. A really big hugger.

She's an all-American hugger fairy Princess.

Will this hugger fairy Princess find her true love?

Or, will her heart be broken?

I know my heart. It's so confused.

I feel like a little girl trapped in some Grimm fairytale.

This is awful.

It's all Monday night on the shocking finale of young bucks!

Mount up, America!

- 'Scuse me, y'all got ESPN or something? - Sure.

Anything for a young buck.

We don't get too many of those around here.

God dammit, foster!

You stir shit up wherever you go, Mr. reality?

So how long ago did you finish shooting that show? You look different.

Uh, a few weeks ago, I guess.

No way! Shit, so did you get the girl?

What'd you call her? The all-American hugger fairy Princess?

- I never actually said that. - You said it tonight.

You said it. I heard you.

You heard me say it tonight, but I never actually said it.

Yeah you did.

The producers do this thing where they "Frankenbite" dialogue.

They edit together two totally different conversations to make their own dialogue.

It's, I don't know.

If the camera's not on me when I'm talking, you can bet the dialogue...

Has been Frankensteined.

You got it.

Reality can be such a bitch.

You know what the magazines say about you?

They say that you're just a waiter.

Is this true, or you keepin' something from America?

Are you like secretly a prince undercover, or you just got some demons?

I mean what would honestly possess you to be on a show like that?

It's so degrading!

- It's like the lowest common denominator of humanity. Okay!

I mean most people think that reality stars are douchebags.

Wow.

Oh yeah! Fuck me, oh you, you young fucking buck. Scottie!

It's Scottie. You know what to do.

Hey Scottie, it's me again.

Um, I thought you were coming this morning with the truck.

You said you were coming.

Fitz is here. I'm here. We've got that meeting on Monday.

Fuck. Just call me back. Ah, shit!

Oh!

Well, timing is everything, huh?

I was gonna surprise you with this later.

- They do this in Hawaii. - We're not in Hawaii.

I know. I found all this stuff: Candles, Bambi over there, in your dad's shed.

- So, got a wee bit distracted today. - Kate:

Kate, the yardwork will get done. I promise.

I know, but you just said you were gonna do it today.

- We have so much to do. - It's gonna get done, okay?

Don't worry. It's not like the sale's gonna fall through.

Kate! What's wrong? He didn't call?

No. God, I just want to throttle the little shit and that slippery smile.

Katie, come on. I told you, don't worry. I can always get us another truck.

Calm down.

I'm not gonna calm down! Jesus Fitz, just let me be pissed at him!

Okay. Well, you can throw your piss around all you want,

but he's never gonna be who you want him to be.

I just need him to show up.

- Throw my piss around? - Yeah, don't do that. It's gross.

I don't know.

- Such a weirdo. - Well, picture it!

I know this is all a little much, but just entertain me, okay?

Speak to the universe; The milky way.

It'll make you feel better, and I'll clean it all up in the morning.

- Do it for Bambi! - Okay?

Um, I've got a cabin full of Randy Olson's stuff,

and a brother who's a smiling shithead, and

guess I'm just looking for some help.

Good luck.

I grew up close to the woods, so my dad would take me hunting,

but whatever, you know, I killed, I had to eat it.

First thing I ate was a squirrel.

It was pretty gross, but kinda tastes like chicken.

Pull!

That's what you say when you're shooting Clay pigeons,

not bales of hay!

Pretty good, pretty good.

Aww!

- That... - that was terrible!

Where were you aiming?

For your heart.

Oh, very sweet.

But, you still missed.

Well, you know there's something really special about Scottie.

There's definitely something going on in those blue eyes of his.

There's something spinning, or troubling, or just plain sexy.

He's a good hugger. And I'm hugger. A really big hugger.

Looking forward to hugging him again!

So, I know that you are a really bad shot, but that's about it.

What else do you want to know?

You could tell me about your family. You have a sister, right?

Yeah, yeah. I have an older sister. She's a consultant for big companies.

Tells them how to do their jobs.

What?

You've got to give me, like, a little bit more.

It could be harmless. It could be like your favorite childhood memory.

You wanna keep the buckle, don't you?

There was this cabin on a lake.

It wasn't much of a place, but, um,

but in the summer, my-my sister and I would swim for hours.

We'd take these long, running jumps off the dock.

Hundreds in a day.

I don't know.

Freed us from the grief of living with Randy and Sandy.

- Randy and Sandy? - My parents. I know.

Oh, and then my sister, she names the dog Brandy.

That's hilarious.

Not really. It's sad.

Are your parents still together?

No. My mom died when I was in junior high,

but uh my dad took over, and

he wasn't really cut out to be a single parent.

I think we just had it.

I think we just had a real moment.

Yeah.

Here.

Keep this, and it'll remind you of our real moment.

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

Oh, you're going down.

- Come on Kelly! - Ow.

- No, oh, oh, one, two, three, pin! -

I came on this show because I have lost at love.

I want to have my happy ending.

The Scottie ending could be the happiest ending on earth.

I mean I know there's a lot of other guys,

and I have to get to know them,

but Scottie could be the one for me.

Look at me! I'm ridiculous!

She's not what I expected.

She was lovely.

You can't take it with you if they take it outta you.

- They're his, huh? - Yep.

So good to see you, even if you're 15 hours late.

I got caught up with post show stuff.

Just give me a hug before I rip your head off!

Ou know, they say a baby boomer dies every 39 seconds.

Did they all leave so much shit behind?

I like the labeling thing.

Oh, shh, is your dude here? Fritzy?

- Fitz. Yeah, he's s-sleeping. - Fitz.

I gave you the front room.

It's kind of a mess, but I thought you should have it.

You didn't have to do that.

Oh no, I know. Um, come here.

I want to show you something.

Look, that ridiculous Christmas

when mom threw the yule logs that dad brought us up here.

Wait, are you remembering this right?

God, you were this terrified little kid.

I was not a terrified kid.

You were so scared that Santa was gonna burn his bum coming down the chimney,

so dad went and buried little gifts out in the snow.

You don't remember that?

Maybe. Didn't he, like, ruin a few gifts in the process?

Yeah. God, he didn't really know what he was doing.

Hey, come on.

It's in times like these,

we just gotta remember the best selling two seat convertible in sports car history.

- The Miata! - Mazda Miata!

I should never have cosigned that loan. - You shouldn't of.

But how long was it until you, uh, you, you found out I was lying?

Oh, uh, which lie was that? That you weren't going to college,