In Living Color

Hi! I'm Kathie Lee Gifford.

If you're a busy person like me, you'd love that deep, dark Saint-Tropez tan...

but you just don't have the three to four weeks to lie in the sun and get it.

Well, here's the good news.

Now nature's loss is your gain at fast-tanning Club Ozone.

Of course, my friends probably can't see me...

because their retinas have been burnt to a crisp.

We've peeled back the Earth's stratosphere here at Club Ozone...

so you can get the deep, dark tan you want...

in just 15 minutes.

And our patented plumpers tell you when you're done.

Our special aerosol tanning oil not only burns you to the bone...

but also helps burn away that unwanted ozone layer.

Oops. Looks like this one got a little overdone.

Hi. I'm a busy executive.

You know, in just 15 minutes at Club Ozone...

I got such a deep, deep tan...

that when I went home, I got pulled over by the police twice...

and the bank even recalled my loan.

And it's my bank!

Now, that's what I call a tan.

Club Ozone. We're your fast-tanning vacation spot.

Club Ozone, expanding soon to a location near you.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

Oh, yo. What's up, man?

Hey, man. How's it going?

Nothin'. School's out, man. Summer vacation.

No more teachers for the whole three months.

- I know, and no more Mr. Macafee. - You mean Mac-a-feeble.

No need to worry, people, 'cause Al Macafee's here.

One of the few, the proud, the McBurger security guards.

You know our motto: " Keep your eyes on the fries and our guns on your buns."

Come on! I saw that, you little line crosser. Don't make me chase you.

- Oh, man. - It's time you heard Macafee's speech on cutting line.

Don't try doing cut-sies or I'll hang my foot in your little butt-sie.

- With what, your Franken-foot? - Oh, oh! I heard that.

You better curb your tongue, little man, or you'll be out on the curb.

- Give me a break, man. - Oh, yeah, you deserve a break today.

Right on your noggin! Now, get lost, Ziggy Marley.

All right, troublemakers! Off the premises.

You better mind your business, sugar foot, before I break that DuPont leg.

- Oh, are you a bully, son? - That's what my mother told me.

All right, son. Take a punch at a real man. Come on, boy! Oh!

Now, you make me sick, you little rapscallion.

I thought I told you to leave the premises.

There are people starving, and you think it's funny playing with your food?

- Those bullies beat me up! - Excuse me, son? Bullies?

- Those bullies. - I don't see any bullies.

Next thing you're gonna tell me that the Burger King himself is in the back room...

showing all the kids his Whopper.

Get out of here, you rat boy!

Hey! We weren't done with that yet!

- My retainer was in that tray! - Hold it right there, missy.

Don't make me chase you. You want a hamburger?

You'll march right up to the counter and pay for it.

- You threw my retainer in there. - Oh, I thought I heard that. You make me sick.

What are you doing with a birth control device in the first place?

You want some birth control, little lady? I'll give you birth control.

Close your drive-through window, keep your two hands off the Whopper...

and maybe you won't be knocked up next time.

Now, take a hike, you little trollop, and take your pimp with you.

Jungle fever's one thing, but that's ridiculous.

Oh, glory be.

Ruthie, my own special sauce.

Guess you got yourself a Big Mac attack, didn't you, honey?

Boy, I'd like to be a caboose on this love train.

- Hey! Stop! - Ride up on it.

I'm just getting my lunch, and your ugly face makes me want to spit up my breakfast.

- Oh, Ruthie, I wish I hadn't seen that. - Seen what?

What? You stole some extra napkins.

What else do you want? Straws, honey? I can get you all the straws you want.

You know I'm a security guard.

Al, did somebody knock you upside your head when you were a kid or something?

I'm gonna let you go this time, but promise me you'll get some help.

Like maybe I can come over to your house tonight...

show you something else to do with those hands besides the five-finger discount?

Come on, baby.

I'd let Ted Bundy, the Boston Strangler and Jack the Ripper give me help...

before I'd let you near me.

So, you're into white boys, are you?

How 'bout giving the old Mac truck a test drive?

You know what I say. Don't start the engine if you're not gonna drive it.

Doorbell! Ow!

I won, I won! I won $10,000!

All right. Hold it right there, Urkel. Let me see this thing.

What are you doing gambling at your age, son?

It's not gambling. It's a scratch-off game card, Mr. Macafee.

Scratch-and-sniff card, son? I don't smell anything.

It's a game card, and I'm gonna use the money to put towards my tuition.

My father never went to college, and his father never went to college either.

It's no reason none of you went to college. You're a family full of knuckleheads!

- Mr. Macafee... - Let me tell you something.

That's reason enough not to get into gambling. Let me tell you something.

One day it's game cards, and the next you're a bagman for the damn mob.

- - Let me give you Mr. Macafee's speech on gambling.

Son, don't rely on Lady Luck 'cause she's nothing but a tramp.

Now get lost.

Yeah, I think I told him who's in charge here. Al Macafee, that's who.

Excuse me.

- Did I just hear you say you're in charge here? - You got it, bucko.

Uh-uh. And you're just the only security guard for the entire restaurant?

Betcha by golly wow!

- You got one of them big old guns? - No, sirree de bobblewinkles.

Just 21 years of jujitsu and my little can of mace.

Yeah, I got two years in the pen and six bullets.

- Oh, God. Oh, God! - We're being robbed!

- - Maybe you heard Macafee's speech on cooperation?

Ask me once, and I'll do it twice.

Shut up. Empty the registers. Come on.

I'd like to move faster, son, but I've got a bum leg.

Hello, everyone!

I'm Richard Simmons...

and I've spent a lot of time and made a lot of money...

making overweight people cry on all my annoying diet shows.

And now I'm back with a brand-new diet plan.

But first, I'd like you to meet someone who's really special...

a real inspiration, Amoeba Standstill.

Wait till you see this one!

Amoeba, how are you?

Hi, Richard. Hello, everyone. You know, Richard...

- - It's okay, Amoeba. Rest your neck.

She tries so hard.!

Richard, before I joined your new Shed A Bed Diet Program...

all I used to do was think about food.

I mean, after sex, my husband would go smoke a cigarette...

and I'd smoke a ham.

Your husband had sex with you? Ewww!

What a guy.

And I was on top.

Richard, I've dropped from a king-size to a queen-size bed.

My goal is to be in a full-size bed by the end of the year...

and I know I can do it, I know I can!

- I know you can too, Amoeba! -

But listen, honey, you're gonna have to start crying soon.

We're running out of time.

I'd like to have gone to the beach for a swim...

without having Japanese fishermen trying to harpoon me.

Can you blame them?

But now that I'm dieting...

I can visualize myself lying on a tropical beach...

the sun beating down on me, shimmering in simsim oil...

with a thong bikini just stuck up my behind.

Eww! What is this?

This looks like what David slew Goliath with.

The weight wasn't just a problem for me, but for my family as well.

I guess you can say I owe a lot to my husband...

who I thought deserted me in 1982.

But after I lost 200 pounds, I found him...

right under my armpit!

I bet he cried when the search party gave up!

All we can say is...

Thank you, Shed A Bed Diet Program!

And thank you, Richard.