Never Have I Ever

Even though her family had a nice time at Ganesh Puja,

Nalini had not forgiven Devi for drinking at a no-parents party

and being bitten by a coyote.

So Devi was grounded and forced to become a house servant.

Currently, she was on ironing duty.

Man, this is boring.

I’m a tennis commentator, not a golf commentator.

You know what? We’re gonna jump ship and check in with Fabiola,

who has much more interesting things going on.

Fabiola had told no one she was gay, except her robot, Gears Brosnan.

She knew the next logical step was to come out to some humans,

specifically her family.

So, I bet you're all wondering why I've called this family meeting.

I certainly am.

Hey, can we make this quick? My frat has a rush event in 15.

Yes. I just need a minute of your guys' time.

What I'm about to tell you is pretty personal.

I hope that you won't look at me any differently.

I'm still the same Fabiola.

Did that Alex Gomez boy get you pregnant?

-It's always the short ones. -What?

No, ew. He didn't. Not even close.

What I want to say is that I am...

I am...

Come on, Fabiola. You can do this. Just one more word.

I am...

switching from AP French to AP Latin this year.

Okay.

Um...

I'm a little shocked.

And I gotta say, you sort of blindsided me here.

If I'm being really honest, this isn't the life I imagined for you.

We have that trip planned to Marseilles next summer--

Honey.

We are so glad

that you felt comfortable enough to tell us this.

You'll get 'em next time, Fabiola.

You'll carpe diem another diem.

I can't take it. I'm like a straight-up indentured servant.

My mom won't let me leave the house, except for school events.

And tonight, she wants me to clear the black widows out of our chimney.

Ugh, well, I hope you're done with your grounding soon,

and then we can party like at spring break!

Oh, which reminds me,

my mom just sent this to me.

Her ship just arrived in Cancún.

Eleanor had caught the drama bug from her mother,

an aspiring actress, who abandoned Eleanor when she was seven.

What kind of mother would I be

if I didn't teach you to follow your dreams?

That's why I'm leaving you to follow my dreams.

Currently, she stars in Thoroughly Modern Millie

on a Weight Watchers cruise.

Wow. That card's dark.

Your mom's cool.

I know. I wish she were here to help me with my audition

for The Glass Menagerie this week. She's such a pro.

I mean, she's tried out for almost every role on TV.

That--

Fab, what's wrong?

You usually house a bag of Doritos in, like, 20 seconds.

No, I was just... saying grace.

Amen.

Now it is time for flavor city.

Nom, nom, nom.

Hey, Coyote Girl. Over here.

While Devi may have become persona non grata at home,

at school, she was grata as hell.

Oh, my God.

Paxton just publicly acknowledged you.

Do they want me to go over there? You guys should come with me.

-No. -No.

We will only weigh you down.

This is a journey you're meant to take alone.

Devi still had not told her friends the truth about Paxton.

But to be fair, he had said she looked good at Ganesh Puja.

So it seemed like hooking up might still be a possibility.

- Lil' D! -That's me.

All right, wait. Lil' D or Coyote Girl? What are we going with?

Yo.

Just a reminder, you need to come home straight after school.

Once you're done with the chimney,

I volunteered you to go next door to help old Mrs. Finch cut her toenails.

What do you mean Eric's sick?

He's supposed to be goddamn Equatorial Guinea.

It's not a big deal, Ben.

We've showed up to Model UN conferences a man down before.

I mean, a man or woman down before.

A they/them down before.

Never when I was on the Security Council.

I need every loser I can get to make me look smarter by comparison.

What's the point of spending the night in Davis

if I'm not winning the Best Delegate gavel?

To an average teen,

a Model UN trip to UC Davis might seem like a real drag.

But to a teen under house arrest,

it sounded like a one-way ticket to freedom USA.

I love Mrs. Finch, but can someone else go work on her feet?

Because there's an overnight school event that would be great for my college resume.

Did you see Devi's text?

I guess she's going on the Model UN trip.

Wow. She must be desperate to get out of her house.

Those kids are real losers.

Oh, did I tell you? I now do all my homework with a quill pen.

Eleanor, right?

Uh... I think so.

I think your mom was our server at Casa Mexico last night.

She was cool. Gave us extra chips.

What? That's impossible.

No, for real.

No. My mother's an actress on a cruise

that's currently docked in the vibrant city of Cancún.

All right. Well, my mom knew her and talked to her and stuff,

but maybe she was confused. Whatever.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

You can't just start a rumor about someone's mom like that.

Clearly, you think all Asian women look alike.

You're a racist, Paxton Hall-Yoshida!

I'm part Japanese.

Whoa. You are?

What do you think Yoshida is, bro?

Oh.

Clearly, this is touchy for some reason that I don't care about.

Honestly, I didn't really think I'd have to talk to you guys for this long.

Let's go.

I'm sorry I didn't realize you were Asian, bro.

I'll try to be more observant in the future.

You've met my dad like 40 times, Trent.

I thought that was your neighbor.

MUN fam, we're gonna crush this diplomacy so hard,

they'll be calling all of us Mr. Worldwide,

and not just my dad's client, Pitbull.

-Because who are we? -Sherman Oaks High!

-And what do we do? -Model UN!

And-- What are you doing here?

Model UN!

Ben, I know you were worried about us not having a full team,

but God, whoever she is, is smiling on us today.

What the hell?

This is a clear violation of our pact.

Years ago, Ben and Devi split all extracurriculars down the middle,

except for sports,

which required too much locker room nudity for either of them.

You're joking. That was in sixth grade.

This is my turf. You don't see me showing up to orchestra

with a freaking bassoon.

As if you have the deftness to play a double-reed woodwind.

Relax. It's just for two days.

Unless I turn out to be a natural.

Then I'm stealing this, and you can have Chinese Club.

Over my dead body.

Bad morning, enemy.

Just an unfriendly reminder that you're not necessarily good at UN

just because you are a UN.

So keep quiet, don't raise your placard,

and support all my resolutions.

No way. I'm winning that Best Delegate hammer.

It's a gavel.

Whatever. It's mine.

So prepare for Equatorial Guinea to do what Equatorial Guinea does best:

have one of the worst human rights records in the world. Damn.

Take your seats.

I officially call this session of the Security Council to order.

Our first topic today is climate change.

United States, you have the floor.

Distinguished delegates and honorable chair,

the US is appalled. Nay, it's sickened at the state of our world.

We could twiddle our thumbs while Atlanta becomes the new Atlantis...

or we could pass a resolution right now.

I’m calling for sponsors in support of my proposal

to build seawalls to protect coastal areas from rising sea levels.

Equatorial Guinea.

Equatorial Guinea feels that the United States' resolution

is a poorly considered half measure at best.

Building taller and taller seawalls isn't doing anything

except lining the pockets of seawall corporations.

-Those aren't things. -I'm just saying.

We need to address the real root of the problem.

Carbon emissions.

Maybe the five permanent members of the Security Council

should reach an agreement before we listen to countries

that are lucky to even be included.

United States, you do not have the floor.

Equatorial Guinea, if you're done, you may yield back to the US.

I yield to the chair.

Oh, shit.

I know yielding to the chair doesn’t sound exciting

to cool jocks like you or me,

but that was the Model UN equivalent of me throwing my racket at an umpire.

Uh... Russia.

I'd actually like to hear more of Equatorial Guinea's plan.

I think she's onto something, and I'd like to make her my friend.

I mean, ally.

You're buffering, Eleanor.

Are you thinking about what Paxton said?

What if it was my mom?

What if she's just 20 minutes away serving enchiladas?

She's not. She's on a cruise ship off the Yucatán.

Is she?

Okay.