Fresh Off the Boat

Y'know, because we've been together for 3 months.

It's been 6.

But I'm glad we feel the same way about anniversaries.

- Lame. - Lame.

So can I get that Ho-Ho back or...?

6 months of dating.

That beats my record by...

6 months.

Your dad won't stop raving about Tina at the restaurant.

I try to not let it affect my performance at work,

but it does.

What does your mom think of Tina?

Thankfully, they haven't met yet.

There's no way they'd ever get along.

They both have strong personalities.

I prefer a strong woman.

Physically I mean.

Like she could lift a car off me after a real bad accident.

The only strong woman my mom likes

is the singer Amy Grant.

And only because she can silence her on command.

So what happens when they do meet?

They won't.

I can't take the chance

my mom will ruin my relationship.

She ruins everything I like...

Well, I'm off to see "Fight Club."

No R-rated movies.

Besides I heard Brad Pitt's character is imaginary.

That's just lazy writing.

Hey, where's the creamy filling?

Oh, I took it. You don't need it.

Ma, what the hell did you do to my N.W.A. shirt?

_

Yeah, my mom and Tina can never meet.

Working out some stress, Mommy?

I'm warming up for my new school administration class.

Discipline.

Writing I'm a rightie, slapping I'm a leftie.

I hope it's as rewarding as my new Drama class.

We're exploring our emotions.

I can cry on command.

I think about tulips wilting!

Speaking of emotions,

Trent tells me you and Tina are going strong.

Young love makes my heart skip a beat.

I hope that's what it is.

Love?

Please.

Me and Tina just bump into each other sometimes.

But, you know, I bump into a lot of people.

Long limbs, narrow hallways, you do the math.

So, Evan, anything new with you?

Anybody?

Big G?

Thank you for your interest, Edwyn.

Grandma and I are going to explore

the ancient art of meditation.

Ugh. Meditation is just an expensive way

to cross your legs.

I've reached a point in my life

where I would like to de-stress

and enhance my self-awareness.

_

Fascinating.

So we should continue talking about other people.

Dad, you're a happening guy.

What's new with you?

Well, let's see...

Ooh, at the restaurant, we're introducing...

...new napkins.

Time to go.

See ya, Dad. Enjoy those napkins.

I will! Because that's my thing.

Napkins.

Hey, how about

instead of studying the French Revolution at your house,

we can go to the mall

and experience French culture at Au Bon Pain?

You're trying to get out of studying.

Je guilty.

Tell you what.

To mix it up, how about we study at your place this time?

Uh... uh, I wish we could,

but... my house is being fumigated.

Again?

You said that last week.

I was looking forward to finally meeting your mom.

Well, you've met my dad,

and he's basically just my mom with shorter hair so...

You don't want me to meet your mother, do you?

I'd love nothing more!

Alas, she's... out of town.

Indefinitely.

Eddie!

Isn't that your mom over there?

Eddie! Calling your name.

A lot of ladies call my name.

You'll have to get used to that.

Eddie, hurry up!

You've got to get home and clean your room.

It smells like gym socks and ham!

You know what?

I forgot I'm supposed to let the fumigator in.

He takes it personally if I'm late.

Dude's sensitive. Like a lot of fumigators are.

I'll call you later!

Each napkin has a different Orlando landmark.

Look, it's Lake Apopka.

At one time, Florida's most polluted lake.

Every napkin has a story.

Just like the spills they clean up.

Beautiful.

Hmm.

I hope you're not a spy for the health department.

Seriously, Evan got grounded for that.

We're learning about the hero's journey for Drama class.

I'm shadowing you for a character study.

Oh, good choice!

I'm always journeying like a hero.

Did I mention the new napkins?

Heck yeah you did! I've been thinking about them all day!

I love napkins!

I'm sorry, Dad.

We haven't had the class on fake enthusiasm yet.

Oh. That's alright.

Who am I kidding? Nobody cares about napkins.

I'm gonna collect the whole set!

I mean, I love this place,

but I'm feeling kind of restless.

I just turned 40, Cattleman's practically runs itself.

This may be my last chance

to roll the dice on something new.

I get it. You're looking for your "call to adventure."

Last time I answered a call to adventure,

my identity got stolen.

Never give anyone your social.

I want to find my next big thing,

but I just don't know where to start.

What if you took an aptitude test?

We took one for school, and guess what they said

my personality was best suited for?

Acting!

- Really? - Yes!

And it only takes 20 minutes.

45 if you're Eddie.

Let's do it!

Sorry, just looking for...

Found her!

Orange County Convention Center!

Yes! I got all the convention centers!

Oh, Amy Grant.

I think it, and you sing it.

I'll be in Grandma's room practicing mindfulness.

If you need me,

maybe stop for a second and think,

"Do I really need anything?"

Hello, Mrs. Huang. I'm Tina.

I thought it was time we met.

Well, if it isn't

the mysterious, overly-confident girlfriend.

I prefer to think of myself as your son's better half.

Three-quarters, really.

I did it...

7 animals, 1 sandwich.

We flew too close to the sun, my friend.

Tina, what a pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure is all mine.

Eddie's been dying for us to meet, right?

Yes! Tina, Ma. Ma, Tina.

You've met. Uh, let's go to a movie!

You're not wearing pants.

It's a look. Let's go!

Nobody's going anywhere.

I'm gonna take this opportunity

to get to know your special little friend person.

That's why I'm here.

To get to know your special little mother. Person.

Your presence is not required.

Why don't you get some air?

You know, because of all the fumigation.

Yeah, s... sounds good.

Great. Hella cool. T-t-t-t-totally.

So... Oh, God, no.

Now that you're here,

without calling,

I'd be delighted to hear

your intentions toward my son.

And I'd be delighted to hear

your intentions toward my boyfriend.

No!

This is perfect, Dad.

The test said you're social, enterprising,

and we all know you love hair.

You're a natural barber.

A fine coiffure is a man's God-given right.

Oh, well, just take a quarter inch off the top.

Or maybe even less.

How about you just comb it?

Don't worry, I cut Brian's hair,