The Twilight Zone

It's crazy times, guys, crazy times.

So one side is saying,

"Hey, people are killing each other with machine guns.

"Maybe normal civilians shouldn't have machine guns,

and only soldiers who are in an active ground war."

And then the other side is saying,

"Well, you can't take away machine guns

"because of the Second Amendment.

"The Second Amendment, you can't regulate guns

because of the Second Amendment."

So, to be clear, your argument is

that guns should have no regulations on them

because of the Second Amendment,

which literally starts with the words,

"A well regulated."

That's literally how it starts!

And the whole amendment has 27 words,

and three of them are "a," "well,"

and "regulated."

That's 11.1%, folks.

You know?

I know what this guy's thinking.

This guy's like, "But, Samir,

11.1% isn't that much."

But imagine you're on a plane,

and halfway through your journey, the pilot comes on

and he's like, "Hey, folks.

"Classic good news, bad news.

"Good news, we'll be getting you

89% of the way there.

Bad news, that puts us

at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

All right. That's my time. Thank you.

Hey, Al. Uh, something cheap and brown.

No ice.

Looking good, Tiff. Huh?

- Special occasion, huh? Come on. - Perfect. Thank you.

Leave me alone.

Let me try some new stuff on you.

Hey, why do they call me the gravedigger, huh?

'Cause I'd like to bury my face in those boobs.

- - Okay. Okay.

Okay, here's some advice if you want some:

maybe you should try putting some jokesin there.

Yeah, well, I don't want to do jokes about cats versus dogs,

and New York versus L.A.,

and airline food, and ethnic stereotypes, okay?

Didi? If you don't make people think,

your comedy's never going to matter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

People like my act, okay?

- I have 59,000 followers. - Mm-hmm.

So I should be more like Joe Donner

- and murder some people? Come on, what?

Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer.

No, thanks.

Come on, baby.

Come on, he didn't.

He didn't.

What?

The legal system ruled it wasn't murder.

Yeah, they fucked that up.

But you know what?

That is exactly your problem, Samir.

Funny is funny.

And that dude...

not you, but that dude...

is funny.

Okay?

No, that's...

Okay. Well, good talk.

Hey, could you put that all in an e-mail

and, uh, send it to the ocean?

Yeah, sure. Hey, could you suck my vagina?

What matters is not followers.

- What matters is adjusted... - Gross income.

Yeah, we all know that JC Wheel...

JC Wheeler.

Ah. In the fleshy flesh.

Oh, man, I...

Hey, can... hey,

I am such a fan of yours.

I mean, I know everyone's a fan of yours, but I'm the...

- Thank you. - How's your day?

What've you been doing?

Man. You were everywhere and then you just disappeared.

You had it all. What happened?

I had it all.

- Hey, I saw your set. - Oh, you did?

Oh, man... feel free to tell me to go fuck myself,

but if you have any notes for me

or anything, I'll give you anything.

I'll give you my dog.

Well, it's not my dog. It's my girlfriend's dog.

But we've been dating since high school,

so it's basically my dog.

My dog, her dog. Dog's a dog.

Your dog if you want it.

See, all this shit is funny.

Funnier than the Second Amendment, I'll tell you that.

Well, obviously, it's not the amendment that's funny.

What I find funny is the fraudulent...

Next.

What?

Next topic.

That's funny.

But seriously, if you have any notes

for me, you know...

- You want notes? - Yeah.

Fuck politics.

The audience don't care about what you think.

They care about you.

Right.

Yeah, I know everyone says

be personal, truth in comedy,

but don't you think that's a bit of a cop-out?

The audience doesn't want to hear you make points.

You dating a high school girl?

- Now that's interesting. - Oh.

I'm not dating a high school girl. We...

Now that's comedy.

Right, but isn't that gross and exhibitionistic?

Isn't the whole point to provide insight

into the human condition?

Provide insight, huh.

What do you want?

Are you happy with your life?

With your career?

Don't you want it all?

Yes. More than anything.

You have one thing.

One natural resource.

You are a country with one export.

And you are the export.

I'll tell you a secret.

Put yourself out there and you will get laughs.

You will be successful.

Are you sure... that's what you want?

Yes.

Now you have to be sure to be sure.

'Cause once you put it out there...

the audience will take it in. They will connect.

And once they connect to it...

it's theirs.

And once it's theirs...

that shit is gone forever.

Listen, my life is okay. It's fine.

But you don't choose comedy because you want a fine life,

you choose comedy because you want it all.

Hmm.

Well, okay, then.

- - Right? Right?

- - And let me tell you, your next guest

needs no introduction.

I'm Joe Donner.

And you're a bunch of fucking idiots!

Hi, everybody. Hi.

So, the Second Amendment, which people use to justify

having their, uh, uh,

having no regulations on guns, um,

actually begins with the words, "A well regulated."

11.1 perc... percent of the whole thing.

I wish you could all see your own faces right now.

You have the exact expression that my dog has

when she's taking a shit.

Like, "Don't look at me."

- "Why are you here watching this?" -

"There has to be a better way to do this."

Okay. Okay, you want to talk about this?

Okay, I-I love my dog.

The other day, she peed on my pizza.

But that's my fault.

I shouldn't have yelled at her

while she was standing on my pizza.

But I... She's cool.

Um, her name is Cat.

Which I know soundslike a stupid name for a dog,

but that's only because it is a stupid name for a dog.

It's even stupider when you realize

it's actually short for Cat-erpillar.

: Cat.

Cat. Come here, baby.

Cat. Cat.

Cat?

Hey, Rena?

I really killed tonight.

- It's my best set ever. - Mm.

That's great.

They were laughing at stuff I was saying,

at the punch lines.

And at the end, they cheered so hard, I was like,

"What's that?" and I was like, "Oh,

that's for me."

I've never felt anything like it.

Hey, where's Cat?