Wilfred

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_

What's your biggest secret?

What?

I, uh... Wow.

Good morning.

It's okay, Ryan. I thought we were there.

Forget I asked.

No, no, no, it-it's just...

C-Can we just start with our second biggest secret?

Sure.

Uh, on the count of three.

One, two, three.

- I love you. - I don't have any clean underwear.

Wait, what?

- Nothing. You were saying? - You love me?

I'm kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm sorry.

That's so not a second biggest secret, Ryan.

Yeah, a second biggest secret

is, like, I'm afraid of spiders

- or I accidentally beat off to a tranny. - Can we...

can we just talk about your underwear again?

Please?

Ryan, do you have any more rice?

How much do you need?

100 pounds should do it.

Also, I'm going to need five bushels of wheat,

some sunblock, a hazmat suit and a crossbow.

No problem.

Oh, wait, I'm out of sunblock.

Fine. We'll make our own

with titanium dioxide and shredded beeswax.

Okay, why are you...?

Because the world is ending, Ryan.

Dogs have an intuition for these things.

Why do you think no dogs died in the Holocaust?

Because we knew it was coming.

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread.

Something terrible is going to happen.

It already did.

I think I screwed up my relationship with Amanda.

And just like that, we're talking about him again.

I told her I loved her.

I-I... I just got caught up in the moment.

So tell her you didn't mean it.

But it's the truth.

She makes me feel... normal.

Oh, and I don't?

You're looting my kitchen,

dressed like one of the Wolverines, so...

Do you not hear me, man?!

Doomsday is upon us.

A massive apocalyptic nightmare so unimaginable,

grown men will weep like children,

and the children that they weep like

will eat other children.

Oceans will boil over,

and fiery death will rain from the skies,

and the ground

will shake until the earth itself

will be cleaved into two!

Yeah, that wasn't it.

- Look... - I just think that...

Look, I'm sorry I ambushed you.

Yeah, you know, if you're going to get

all relationshippy on me,

- maybe wait for me to have my first shot of espresso? - I know.

- I know. It was wrong. - Because, Ryan, I was...

- I just don't want it to be awkward... - No, I-I-I love you, too.

You do?

Kind of, yeah.

Totally.

You make me really happy, Ryan.

You asked her to move in with you?

Are you high?

Because you need to be.

That stays in the basement.

From now on, we need to be more careful

about what we leave lying around.

Amanda's packing tonight,

and I'm helping her move in the morning.

Tomorrow morning?

- Are you sure you're ready for this? - I-I know

we haven't been together that long,

but it just feels right.

That's not what I mean, Ryan.

I'm saying, maybe you're not ready for this.

Know what?

I don't care what you think.

Do you care about her?

She loves me.

She doesn't even know you.

She only knows

the you you want her to know.

What about the parts of you she doesn't know,

the parts you're hiding

down here in this basement?

The black files you used

to manipulate your father's enemies.

The pills you tried to off yourself with.

The leather sex hood you wore to...

Oh, shit, this is mine.

I was looking for this.

Those things aren't me, not anymore.

These things will always be you.

They're your secrets.

You think you can keep them from Amanda

by hiding them down here in the basement?

Yeah, I do.

You're asking her

to be part of your life.

You're sharing your house with her.

Sooner or later, she's going to need to see all of it.

Think of the hours we spend down here, mate.

How will you explain where you've been?

Well, maybe I just need to stop spending

so much time with you.

Look, Wilfred, I love Amanda.

I think she's really good for me.

Yeah, I-I still have some issues, but who doesn't?

I'm sure she does, too.

You got something to say, Wilfred?

No.

It's just, there's a lot about her you don't know.

Like what?

Well, she talks too much, for one.

She's always yammering on and on about God knows what.

And...

What?

Just say it.

She kissed me, man.

It's true.

You've seen how she pets me.

I always figured it was innocent,

and, you know me, I'm a dog, I like that shit.

Unbelievable-- you're just jealous.

- Jealous? - Well, the more time

I spend with Amanda, the less time I spend with you.

Well, maybe that's a good thing.

What the hell does that mean?

It means you can be a really shitty friend.

You say you have my best interests at heart,

but have you ever once told me the truth about anything?

More than once.

Ryan, you have to believe me, this is not going to end well.

You're so full of shit.

I'm telling you, I can feel it in my bones--

the ones I chew on and the ones inside of me.

There's a disaster headed our way.

Give it up, Wilfred. Amanda and I

are moving in together, and that's...

Holy shit!

Ryan! Ryan!

Welcome back, Ryan.

Get this off me.

Yeah, and how do I do that?

Seriously?

Go get help!

Of course, I'll just run upstairs

and tell the first guy I see

that little Timmy's fallen down the well.

No, quake must have knocked out the power.

I can't see shit.

You were right, Wilfred.

You said something bad would happen, and it did.

Unfortunately, that still wasn't it.

Something else is coming... something worse.

I'm glad Jenna's out of town.

I hope Amanda's okay.

If you really cared about her,

you'd be honest with her.

You're in no condition

to take this relationship to the next step.

Enough!

Help! Help me!

Ryan, you're buried under a box of secrets

with a talking dog

in a basement that may not even exist.

Do you really think

anyone can possibly hear your cries for help?

Hello?

Everyone okay down there?

Yes!

Help!

Where are you?

I-I'm pinned down!

Shit, howdy, what a mess.

Let me get...

Thanks.

Don't mention it, Ryan.

Do I know you?

All too well.

Hey, buddy.

Bruce.

Didn't think you'd come.

I gave you my word, Wilfred.

That's why I didn't think you would.

Wait, you asked him to come?

I needed some dirty work done.