Ronny Chieng: International Student

I'm walking. Thanks. Thanks.

No, I'm walking. Thank you.

Ronny, can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you.

Can you hear me now? Yeah, I can hear you now.

I could hear you then. Why aren't you in class?

I'm walking to class right now.

I just shared a list of study tips on your Facebook page.

Why didn't you Like it?

Mum, you've got to stop posting click bait on my page.

What is 'click bait'?

Mum, isn't it, like, 6:00am in Malaysia right now?

Yala, I'm having a late start today.

No, I'm OK, thanks. Have you been studying hard?

Mum, it's the first day of school.

There's literally nothing to study hard.

Well, make sure you study hard. OK.

Because your father and I spent a lot of money to send you there.

OK. And don't do drugs.

OK. Do you do drugs?

Yeah, heroine and crystal meth every day.

Where did you learn about those drugs?!

Mum, look, I've got to go. I'm going to be late, OK?

OK. Just pick up when I call. OK.

And answer my email.

Don't talk to girls. Don't get drunk.

Don't tip. They don't need it. OK. OK. I got it. Love you.

Only use Chinese hairdressers. Bye. OK. Bye.

Boil your water before you drink it. Bye. OK.

And if you have a cold, don't eat chicken.

Mum, coughing has nothing to do with chicken.

And don't get anyone pregnant. No-one's getting pregnant.

Yes, I know condoms are not 100% effective.

Yes, I know you're supposed to roll it all the way down the shaft.

I gotta go.

No, I was talking to my mum.

I must be the only one here without a laptop.

No, what about that guy?

Do those glasses even have lenses in them?

Is he drinking from a jar?

Is anything about this guy real? Maybe his hair.

Oh, wait. No.

I'm Ronny. I'm Asher.

Nice to meet you.

Um, excuse me, guys. Listen up.

My name's Mick. I'm the activities officer.

Um, basically I just coordinate all the activities.

Um, so, uh, yeah, welcome to your first day.

Are you pumped?

Tonight's the first-year pub night.

And it's a great opportunity to meet each other

and give it some of these ones.

Anyway...

So, we got the boat race

which is the, um, drinking game that we do every year.

So, uh, let me know if you want to sign up and get pumped.

This guy's pumped.

Morning, everyone.

And welcome...

..to your first day of law school.

I want you to look to the left. Now look to the right.

I want you to remember those faces that you see

because that is your competition.

Now, the numbers say that 3 in 20 of you will become lawyers.

1 in 10 will fail.

1 in 200 will die -

a bloated corpse encased in cocaine resin.

So, why are we here?

I'm here because this is the most prestigious law school

and I believe if you want to be the best,

you have to learn from the best.

Does anybody else want to answer my rhetorical question?

Let's all have a go. You. Why are you here?

Is this rhetorical? You tell me.

Uh, I... I don't know.

Good answer! Because the truth is nobody really knows anything.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree.

Good. I like disagreement. Go on. Tell me.

Um, I just think that turning up to your first day of law school

and not knowing why you're here, that's pretty stupid.

How do you feel about that? He thinks you're an idiot.

Well, I think it's pretty stupid to come to your first day of law school

and dress like you're captaining a yacht.

This is excellent.

Conflict is very good.

Which brings us to our first assignment.

I want you to write 1,000 words on conflict resolution.

Based on my book, Shut Up and Come and Get Some.

Which is not available in bookstores,

but the library does have a copy.

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo. Yeah!

Ah, the traditional first lecture streaker.

Have a look at him.

Now, what does the law say...

..about a man being found naked and weeping

outside of his own house?

Can someone help, please?

Hey, we should get that book.

Do you want to team up? Sure.

Hey, Ronny.

Man, I met this guy last night. He's such a hater.

Hey, um... Elvin, right?

Yeah, that's me. Someone's moving pretty fast.

Pleased to meet you too. I'm Asher.

I'm... Hello.

I'm Elvin. This is, um...

Wei Jun.

This is Denedict.

Denedict? Denedict.

Like Dennis mixed with Benedict?

Denedict.

G'day, Cobras. You gonna sign up for the boat race?

I'm not here to get drunk in a bar. Thank you.

Oh, man, I thought you'd give a real international flavour, you know?

A bunch of different cultures getting together

to give it some of these ones.

I won't be giving it some of those ones.

I want to get that book. You coming?

Uh, hey, I'll join you guys later. Yeah. OK.

We'll leave you and Cate Blanchett to give it some of these ones, huh?

OK. Let's go.

What about you, Cobra?

You like to wrap the old laughing gear around a couple of frothies?

What?

He means 'do you drink beer?'

Oh, no, I don't have the liver enzyme to process alcohol.

I become, like, a red, sweaty mess. It's a problem.

Look who it is, Mr I Don't Know. Signing up for the boat race?

Oh, no, wait, let me guess - you don't know.

Actually I do know. I will not be signing up for the boat race.

Good, 'cause we'd wipe the floor with you.

His family have won the drinking contest for three generations.

So you come from a family of alcoholics?

What's your team name?

Above The Legal Limit.

Was Captain Nemo and the HMS Douchebags already taken?

Well, 'HMS' refers to a navy ship,

while my family's yacht is a private vessel, so the joke's on you.

Yeah, sure.

Oi, man, even if you don't want to have a crack,

just come down and have a sticky beak while we sink some piss.

It'll be sick fun, bro. What?!

He means you're welcome to come watch the boat race.

Oh. Oh, OK. Thanks.

No wuckers, bro. Appreciate it.

What? It means 'you're welcome'.

OK. Cool.

This place is amazing.

What? You've never been in a library before?

My town had a library.

Well, it was more of a shelf of books at the back of the pub.

And if a book was overdue, you had to do a shot.

That sounds like... fun.

Yeah, I was a big reader.

So, where's the law section?

Uh, let's see. Law, that's 340,so we have to go to the 300s.

How did you know that?

When I was a kid,

my mum made me memorise the entire Dewey Decimal System.

Whoa, nerd alert. OK, what's the number for Russian history?

Russian history, that's general history of Asia-Siberia,

so that's 957.

We had very different childhoods.

Childhoods... 372. Alright.

What...? Hmm.

What was that?

Are you sure this is the law section?

Yeah, the sign said 300 was in the basement. And this is B1.

This is B2.

You've come too far.

Who are you? I'm a post-grad student.

How long have you been here?

Can't remember.

Just been down here, writing my thesis.

What's your thesis on?

Ha!

It started out as the rule of law

in pre-federation Australian colonies.

And then... turned into the morality of natural law versus positive law

in post-modern society.

And then somewhere along the line, it changed into Japanese falconry.

Now I'm not sure what it is. OK.

Thanks. We gotta get this book. I used to be an undergrad.

I remember having ambition, social events, sunlight.

OK. I'm really sorry. We have to go do an assignment.

Let me guess. You're stressing about 1,000 words.

Well, you try being 90,000 words into a 200,000-word thesis

and you can't even remember what your contention is.

Ow. Alright, I'm sorry. We gotta go.

Thank you for all your help. Maybe we'll see you down here again.

We're never coming back here. Oh.

It should be just here. 300.

Oh, ho, ho.

Ronny and his girlfriend Nicole Kidman

are going for a romantic stroll in the law section.

What? No. We're just here to get a book.

Ha, good luck, because we're here to get the book too.

Why don't we just get it, photocopy it,

and then we'll all have the book?

Yeah. Should be right... here.

I've got an idea. How about none of you get the book,