Stewart Lee: Snowflake

- Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to enjoy Snowflake,

starring the self-styled Snowflake of Stand-Up, Mr Stewart Lee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

Ted Bovis has let himself go.

This is called Snowflake.

And it's about how I,

as a 1980s politically correct liberal snowflake comedian,

am no longer sure exactly where I fit into a comedy circuit

that is drifting away at some speed

from the liberal orthodoxies that originally characterised it.

They say you should always open with your strongest bit.

You know, there are millions and millions and millions of snowflakes

and every single one is different,

but there are only three members of the '80s pop group Bros,

and two of them are identical.

See? I can write jokes, but it's not of interest to me.

So... Right, the idea with this set,

this is supposed to look like a sort of 1970s

BBC light entertainment Christmas show,

the sort of show where if you google it now,

all the guests are in prison.

Got a guitar there.

Don't worry about that.

Because no-one's thinking,

"Oh, brilliant, the middle-aged comedian's got an acoustic guitar.

"Superb, what are you going to do with that guitar, granddad?

"Are you going to satirise the news in song form

"while simultaneously parodying

"a modern urban music genre that you don't fully understand,

"like the Laurence Fox of drill?"

You like that, the Laurence Fox of drill?

I don't actually know what drill is.

I said to my 15-year-old, I said to him,

"I need a single-syllable name of a modern kind of music for a joke.

"What should I say?" And he said, "Say drill, Dad.

"And stop breathing so heavily."

So I've said that, the Laurence Fox of drill.

That's gone all right, hasn't it?

But like I say, I don't know what drill is.

And my son, he doesn't know who Laurence Fox is.

So there's a joke that's been co-written by two people,

neither of whom fully understand it.

And it's not made a blind bit of difference,

which makes me wonder, what is the point of spending days, weeks,

years trying to write accurate jokes when you might as well just come out

and do a load of stupid non-sequitur surrealist nonsense

like Noel Fielding would, you know, come out and go,

"Ooh, Tony Oxley has put a llama hospital in the..."

I couldn't think of anything. I was...

Well, I thought of something.

I was going to say, "He's put a llama hospital in the meadow",

right, but they would like that, wouldn't they?

They'd go, "Oh, great. A meadow, let's frolic in it", you know,

but it doesn't work

because the thing about that Noel Fielding surrealist stuff

is each element has to have no logical relationship with the...

It's much harder than it looks, actually.

I've gone from disparaging Noel Fielding

to thinking he's a genius in the space of 30 seconds.

Anyway, don't worry about that... that guitar.

You know, all stand-up comedians are failed musicians.

A lot of stand-up comedians are failed stand-up comedians.

I am. I'll be honest with you.

I am a failed stand-up comedian.

I spent the first 20 years of this

going to silence night after night.

No laughs, dying night after night for 20 years.

But I didn't give up.

And in the end, people assumed it was deliberate.

"He's actually a genius,

"because nothing he says is funny ever, even by accident.

"Yes, it's called anti-comedy, actually,

"and it's a rejection of the rules of the genre.

"Five stars, The Guardian."

But then I just got sort of stuck doing this, you know.

And what is this?

It's nothing, is it?

Is it? I mean, I've never really understood

what it is I'm doing, to be honest.

I haven't. I've just sort of stuck in it.

It seems to me I come out here

and I describe things that have happened to me

to the best of my ability,

and people go, "Ha-ha!"

For example... That's how you know we're heading

into a fairly tightly written bit, isn't it?

Use of the phrase "For example", that's the giveaway there.

Anyway, for example... "What? Something you've written?" "Yes."

So...

Anyway.

So, for example... I know, it seems contrived now, doesn't it?

For example... "What? You've obvious..." You know. Anyway.

So, for example...

I know, who says that? It's like your dad, isn't it?

For example, "Put that over there."

Anyway...

That's what I'm talking about.

Not there... Anyway, so...

For example, erm...

Last year, right, and this is actually true. I...

No, it is.

Sounds like it isn't, doesn't it?

Because... I don't know. Anyway.

So... It is, though. Anyway.

For ex... Oh.

For example, last year,

and this is actually true...

It is. It is true.

Well, the first bit is.

The second bit's...

The second bit's an exaggeration

based on the first bit.

So... You'll see when we get there. Don't worry about it.

Anyway. So, anyway, for example...

For example, last year, and this is actually true...

It is. It is true.

Right.

I know what you think.

That's what the normal comedians do, isn't it?

They do like an hour and about halfway through they'll tell a story

and they go, "And this is actually true."

And you go, "Oh, what about all the other stuff?"

You feel cheated, don't you?

No? OK, never mind. So...

For example, last year,

and this is actually true. It is.

So... Imagine if you weren't enjoying this bit.

Be irritating, wouldn't it?

I sympathise, to be honest. If you were...

If you were to come up to me afterwards and say to me,

"I didn't really enjoy that bit",

I would struggle to make a case for it.

But it is going well, isn't it? Listen to the room.

A lot of people, this is their favourite bit, but it's nothing.

It's awful. It's rubbish, isn't it? Anyway...

It's pointless, isn't it? A waste of time.

So anyway, for example, last year,

and this is actually true... It is.

Wait till you hear it. The first bit, you'll go, "That's true.

"Not sure about that second bit. That's an exaggeration, I think."

It is. I've told you. Anyway...

For example... Let's get on with it. It's being filmed, isn't it?

People don't want to see this on TV, do they?

Anyway, for example...

I know you like it, but I'm telling you now,

this will not translate to television.

The viewers at home will feel alienated

by the amount of fun the audience appear to be having...

..because the cruel light of television

will expose this as the sham it is.

Anyway, for example, last year, and this actually happened...

No, that's what Greg Davies says.

All the others say, "And this is actually true",

but Greg Davies, he says, "And this actually happened".

And that's his contribution, I think...

..to the genre.

He took an old favourite,

he put a spin on it.

So... Anyway...

For... No. For example, last year,

and this really, this actually happened...

It did. This is actually happening now.

You're thinking, "Is this actually happening?"

Yeah, it is. "Really? But it's shit."

I know, but it's happening, and it's getting loads of laughs, isn't it?

Can you imagine how irritating that is for me?

I struggle to write these great things... This is nothing

but there's a palpable sense of hysteria here in York tonight,

a notoriously taciturn city, if I don't mind telling you.

Anyway...

For example, last year, and this actually happened, right?

It did. Not only is this actually happening, but Ben Thompson,

who is a very respected critic,

who writes books about the theory of comedy,

he came up to me after he saw this in Bexhill-on-Sea, this bit,

and he said that he thought this bit represented the apogee

of everything I've been trying to achieve for 30 years.

I know. I find that quite offensive, to be honest.

Anyway, so... What is it? It's nothing, is it? So...

For example, last year, and this actually happened...

..I was bitten in the leg by a false widow spider.

I was.

So I went to the hospital

and they prescribed me anti-inflammatory drugs,

and they sent me to see a doctor of tropical medicine.

Now, the bloke in before me,

he'd been bitten in the leg by a false widow spider as well.

But he had a false leg.

So they prescribed him anti-irony drugs.

And they sent him to see a doctor of philosophy.

That went all right, didn't it, in the end? It's quite good.

I'll tell you what, because that went well,

I've got an extra possible third section of that joke I can do.

So we'll try it, an extra possible third section

of the false widow spider joke.

It's what we call a topper in the trade,

if you're a comedian in the room tonight, or watching at home.

A topper is when you've done a bit and you think,

"Well, I can put an extra little bit on the top there."

So we'll see how this goes.