Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer

People say-- You will have heard this,

people say, "You can't joke about anything these days."

Watch me now.

We're gonna kick off our evening with some short, edgy jokes,

get the measure of each other, see if we're gonna be friends.

Eyes down, everyone. Let's fucking do this.

I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb.

I say that... toaster.

She was shocked.

When my girlfriend found out I'd been drunk driving,

she hit the roof.

I was in Hong Kong.

Their Chinatown is fucking massive.

I've got a half brother.

Sorry. Transgender.

It's a cliché, I suppose, but I-- I-- I, um--

I used to tell jokes at school

to stop kids from bullying me.

They used to shout mean things like,

"Get out of our playground, you pedophile!"

I've got feelings.

My art teacher at school was a pedophile.

Yeah, so it really was back to the drawing board.

I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone,

but the autocorrect is always fucking up the lunch line.

Ah--

Sure.

Everyone in here's got a mobile phone, right?

And they're incredible. They've done so much for us.

But it has come at a price.

They've robbed us of our ability to concentrate,

those mobile phones, yeah? A good example. Last week,

I had to do a simple piece of mental arithmetic.

'Course, I couldn't do it in my head, needed the app on the phone.

Before I'd even opened the calculator app, I checked my email,

updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist.

Are you aware of the mobile phone secretly listening to your conversation?

Yes. - It's creepy, right?

You'll be chatting to a friend about the good old days,

and then for the next two weeks, you're bombarded with adverts

for anal beads and butt plugs.

My, uh-- My girlfriend likes to be tied up.

But, it turns out, really scared of railway tracks.

When I masturbate, thanks for asking...

When I masturbate, I always put my pinky up

so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh...

...fingering my asshole.

There's a sub-genre of porn called POV porn,

which is shot from the man's perspective,

so you see what the man sees

when he's having sex with the lovely lady in the pornographic film.

I'm gonna make POV porn, little money-making scheme,

and make POV porn, but from the woman's perspective.

Huh? It's gonna be super easy to shoot as well.

It's just a close-up of a headboard, a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude's feet.

Well, 'cause people say men have got-- are more sort of visual than women.

Well, I don't think so. I think we just have a better view, right?

Think about it. There's a bit of reverse cowgirl going on.

We're thinking, "Her ass looks amazing."

She's thinking, "He needs to clip his toenails."

It's not as erotically charged, is it?

Do any couples in here watch porn together?

- Who watches porn as a couple? Yeah.

One bloke on his own.

Are you...

You're watching enough for two, are you?

We tried-- We tried watching porn as a couple,

but it didn't work for us at all. Very different tastes.

She likes stuff with proper narrative and characterization.

I like stuff with animals.

I was watching Gaping Anuses 3...

Planet of the Gapes.

And sure, I enjoyed it,

but there were some pretty big holes in the plot.

This next joke is sort of a canary in the mine.

It's there to test the air.

Your reaction to this joke tells me an awful lot about you as an audience.

Doesn't change anything.

I'm gonna tell you the same jokes this evening regardless of your reaction.

It just tells me how much you're gonna enjoy our time together.

Good luck.

I was in a grocery store a couple of weeks ago.

They had a special on.

He was collecting the carts.

I think we're going to be friends, aren't we?

And no, no disrespect.

One of my best friends is a special needs teacher.

Well, I say he's a special needs teacher.

It's a totally normal school, but it's in Norfolk, so, you know.

- Is anyone in from Norfolk? Yeah.

Yeah. - You're from Norfolk? Oh!

Yeah, that checks out.

If you're not familiar, uh, Norfolk's--

So, what are you working with there, my friend?

Just the one set of grandparents?

Family tree like a fucking broom handle.

You didn't meet the missus on Tinder, did you?

That's giving you the benefit of the doubt.

It may well be "siblings with benefits."

Too close to home?

He'll be livid when he gets those jokes.

My girlfriend snores quite a lot. Has anyone else got that problem?

Yes.

Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot, but luckily,

I've got these noise-cancelling fists.

Is anyone here in a controlling relationship?

Raise your partner's hand.

I'm no good with ages, especially with young women.

They could be mid-20s. They could be 15. You just don't know.

Well, there's a story.

So I was in Covent Garden, very touristy bit of London.

I'm sat on the Piazza there, having a cup of tea, minding my business.

This beautiful, willowy-looking girl walks in, sits opposite me,

and just keeps on looking over.

Tons of eye contact, very flirty, and very obvious about it.

Now, that sort of thing does not happen to me very often,

so I was incredibly flattered,

but I couldn't tell how old she was,

and I thought, "Well, I'm not taking a chance."

So I asked.

I just straight-up asked. I said, "Excuse me, do you mind me asking,

how old are you?"

She said, "I'm 23."

I said, "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

Ah, it's just a joke, as far as any of you can prove.

Last year, I lost my father to dementia.

I guess we could've stuck around to look for him for longer, but fuck it.

The great thing about that, anyone offended won't remember.

I've written a two-word joke, and I'm quite pleased with this

'cause I've written a joke for an unsung group within our society,

a group that I don't think gets the respect that they deserve.

Stepdads. We got any stepdads in?

Oh, you're a stepdad here? What's your name, my friend?

- Daniel. - Daniel. I've written you a joke, Daniel.

Won't take long. It's only two words.

Stepdads... motherfuckers.

Easy.

And Daniel...

no one is telling you how to parent. I'm sure you do a terrific job as-is.

All I would say is, the next time you see the kids,

could be as soon as tomorrow morning,

you, you know, point out the obvious to them.

You say, "Look, kids, 'stepdad' is an inherently disrespectful term."

"From here on in, 'motherfucker.'"

"Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs."

"I'm just gonna nip upstairs and fuck your mum."

Is this the MILF in question?

Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage, you couldn't give a fuck. Good on you.

How many socks have you got, Daniel?

Are you not familiar with the term? Socks.

Some Other Cunt's Kids.

Climate change. Let's talk about it.

Climate change is like my niece.

It's getting hotter every year.

It's not as bad as you think. She'll be six next month.

I don't even like the term "niece." I prefer to say, "NILF."

My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry, don't know why I'm telling you that.

I assume she's already told you.

Are there any vegans here? Got vegans in the house?

Hey! - One over there.

- What's your name, my vegan friend? - Erica.

Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica.

I'm not-- I'm not gonna make jokes about vegan food.

I think it would be tasteless.

But I've got a question for you, Erica, 'cause my partner is vegan.

She had a question about veganism. Maybe you could help.

Uh, she wants to know is semen okay for vegans?

Because if it isn't, she's gotta stop having tennis lessons.

- What do you think, Erica? - I love semen!

Well...

Fair enough. Probably the only protein you're getting.

It's a great answer, Erica. It's a great answer.

Not the best answer I've ever had.

Best answer I ever had, Erica, I was doing a gig in London,

and this lady in the front row was vegan.

I said, "Is semen okay for vegans?" And she went, "Human semen?"

What the fuck?

How would you even get to that?

I know vegans are meant to love animals, but sounds like she really loves animals.

Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK.

What can be done? Well, simple solution. Guns.

Right, there's no knife crime in America, is there?

Have we got any Americans in? Any Americans?

A few over there.

- What's your name, sir? Ken.

Ken? Of course it is.

Totally smooth, is it?

Good on you, Ken.

The Americans and the British, we're-- we're divided by a common language.

Right? So-- So we would say, "Trousers" in Great Britain.

Americans would say, "Pants."

We say, "Pavement." The Americans would say, "Sidewalk."

We'd say, "Unarmed, don't shoot!"

They would say, "Oops."

I can see there's two sides

to the gun debate in America. Course there are.

There's two sides to the gun debate. Some Americans have legitimate reasons

for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles.

Like, what if you want to murder a lot of children in a hurry?

So in America, the Supreme Court is stopping women from aborting fetuses.