Premarital

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to hitch these two beautiful sons of bitches that

love each other so much.

I think that's Southern.

What does it sound like then?

Like this?

I want to marry you.

Dracula. That's a choice.

Well, then what does a Midwestern accent

sound like, eh?

Is that Canadian? Eh?

Hey.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

Relax.

-I'm sorry. -Oh my gosh. It's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be fine.

No, there are just--

There are a few things that I have not told you about

my family.

The religious stuff.

I know all about the religious stuff.

It's fine.

If anyone asks, can you just say that we don't

live together?

Like, say you live with a friend.

I don't know if I'm comfortable flat out lying.

It's not lying.

It's glossing over the details.

A sin of omission?

Sin of omission, that's more of a Catholic thing.

Protestants are all about sins of emission.

Ew.

Something about the will, channeling the will,

splitting it.

I really thought it was Augustine.

No.

Aristotle?

Mm-mm.

I swear it was an A.

Well, since when is scripture not enough?

I just really wanna drive this point home.

Pastor Stu, they're starting the last song now.

Oh, thank you, Helen.

Nervous?

Well, it's the first time we're all under the same roof

in years, so...

They'll just be happy to see you.

Yeah.

...My soul, my Savior God to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art

Let's pray.

So, what should I talk about then?

Uh, talk about your master's program.

That's interesting.

Okay.

Just don't mention your research.

It's literally a research program.

Yeah, just talk about the biology part

without getting into the evolutionary part.

Your parents are not like flat Earthers, are they?

No, not flat Earthers, just young Earthers.

Oh, also no smoking, sorry, I'm sorry.

- Okay. - Yeah. So sorry.

One week.

Ready?

Here we go.

Exhale.

And squeeze.

Jesus fuck.

Hey.

Look at that.

Oh my gosh.

-Look at that. -Yay.

You might wanna watch that language.

Who's that man?

That's Alan.

He's gonna be your new uncle.

Ah.

Well, look at these cool New Yorkers.

Hey, I'm walking here.

Hey.

-That's what you sound like. -I've seen that on some show.

Hey.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Dad.

Dad, this is Alan.

I can tell by the dashing good looks.

Sir, it is so great to--

- Hi, Aunt Sophie. - Dad!

- Hi, Jesse. - Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

- Hi. - You know what?

Your mother's out.

I'm on kitchen duty.

Is everything okay? Should I--

- Dad. - You know--

Okay, move, move, move.

Can I help?

Oh, I goofed. I-- I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I just goofed.

I-- I shouldn't go near that thing.

- It's okay. - But I can--

Whoa.

The tallest of all-est, and he's good-looking.

Do you have any siblings?

'Cause I got a whole bunch I'm still trying to get rid of.

No siblings.

Oh, well, you do now.

Hi, everybody.

Sorry, we missed the uh, service this morning.

Our flight got delayed.

Well, at least you guys had a good excuse.

Where were the rest of you Philistines?

I was here, P Stu.

Yes. You-- you were there, Benji.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

What's up?

New guy.

Benji.

Hey.

You saved the day, honey.

You did.

Oh, could you also make me those cookies that I like?

Already in the oven.

Isn't she terrific?

Yeah, subservient wife in training.

Don't worry, Grace is just jealous someone actually

wants to marry Sophie.

It's true.

I'm dying to consign my ovaries to the patriarchy.

Okay. Goodnight, grandpa.

- Goodnight, you guys. Love you. - Goodnight, grandpa.

Naomi, help your brother, okay?

And Jared, how are your studies going?

Um...

It's fine.

- Yeah? - It's good, yeah.

Jared's following in his old man's footsteps.

Gonna be a man of the cloth.

And now w-- what about you?

So Sophie says you're into the sciences or--

Yeah.

Actually, I uh, majored in--

ev-- ev-- ev-- I've-- I've done bi--

I do biology.

- Dad, I-- - Hm.

Why don't we go ahead and-- and eat?

Mom said she was gonna be late.

Okay, everyone's attention, though, for a moment.

Um...

Okay.

Uh, Sophie, um...

-...on the day you were born- -Dad.

- Dad. - Oh, here we go.

Sorry.

I know.

You're doing it again.

In your whole life, the most important decision

you're gonna make is whom to marry.

I was so lucky I found your mother.

And well, Jared, you were so lucky to have found Mae.

And Leah has an amazing boyfriend.

What?

Who said that?

We're very blessed to have you here, too, Benji.

Ay.

Now, anyway, I-- it's nice to have common interests

and you know, maybe good looks a-- and all that,

but more importantly, you wanna find someone

with integrity.

Someone whose yes is yes and their no is no,

and can look in the eye and know that you're

on the same page.

And Al, I have been praying for you since long before

the two of you ever met.

May the Lord bless you both.

- Hear, hear. - Thanks, dad.

Ah.

That's good stuff.

Okay. Now, Al, would you do us the honor

of blessing this meal that your lovely bride-to-be has prepared

for us?

Oh, I mean, I don't think I--

I'll do it. I'll pray.

Come on, the food is getting cold.

No, hang on. No, no, no, let the man speak.

What's the matter?

Uh, you are absolutely right, integrity is everything,

and uh, I-- I don't wanna get off on the wrong foot, Sophie,

so I don't wanna pretend I'm somebody I'm not.

Oh.

Oh.

You're a Catholic?

I'm not an anything.

I don't--

I'm not religious at all.

Fuck!

Yeah, but I never gave you permission