The Carmichael Show

The Carmichael Show is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Ugh! Why is Donald Trump even in North Carolina?

Hey, Maxine, can you turn that down for a minute?

I got to ask you something.

Why are people even going to his rally?

It's-it makes me want to move to another state.

- Maxine. - What?!

Sorry, it was just my outrage for Trump talking.

What were you asking me?

We got any more orange juice?

Seriously? That's what you're gonna ask me?

Just check the fridge.

Uh, okay.

Oh, also I was gonna ask...

what do you think about me asking you to marry me?

Wait, what?

What-what are you saying?

Are you proposing to me?

Maxine, you got the kind with the pulp!

I mean, if I wanted chunks in my juice, I'd just eat an orange.

Okay, Jerrod, Jerrod, wait, focus.

Did you just ask me to marry you?

What? Oh, well, no, no.

No, I mean, not yet.

Um, I'm thinking about it though.

I wanted to talk it through first.

Uh, what do you think?

I mean, I figure we're not getting any younger,

and this single life was starting to take its toll on me.

Okay, Jerrod, you're not single.

- We've been together for two years. - Look, Maxine.

Either you're married or you're single.

I've never seen a box on a W-2

that asks if I had strong feelings for someone.

Did you drink all the orange juice?

Wait, seriously, we're-we're having a moment right now,

and you're gonna talk about orange juice?

- Look... - What's going on?

Maxine, don't worry about the semantics of the moment.

I love you.

And marriage is on the table.

So what up?

Well, I love you too.

But I haven't heard you actually ask me anything,

so...

what up?

Look...

girl...

When we first met,

all I wanted to do was have sex with you.

And I thought that was it.

But then we had sex.

And I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I was like,

"Man, why can't I stop thinking about this girl?"

And that's when I knew.

'Cause that's what love is, Maxine...

when you finish, but you still want to stay.

Was that you asking me?

Yeah.

So again...

what up?

Uh, well...

I guess I'm in?

Yeah? Cool.

Yeah.

Wow. Well, I can't wait to tell my friends this touching story.

All right, well, look, don't say anything.

We got to break the news to my mom first.

This what we're gonna do.

You got to bring her in early, make her feel

like she's a part of the decision-making process.

That's how you manipulate people.

You got a lot to learn.

Wait.

Hold on. You and I just had a conversation

about marriage without you actually

asking me to marry you.

You just did that same thing to me.

I know, and it worked. See?

You said yes, so let's go manipulate my mom together.

I love you, baby.

When is Dad back from the butcher's shop?

How long does it take?

We got something to tell you.

He'll stare in those cases for hours.

He says seeing all those slaughtered animals

reminds him of man's dominance on the Earth.

And if you criticize him, he'll say,

"Remember, Cynthia,

all these animals would kill you first if they had thumbs."

Look, maybe we should just break the news to my mom.

I think that we need to wait for your dad,

'cause he's the only one that likes me.

Children, gather round!

Where's your mama? I need her to gather round.

Cynthia, gather round!

I got a story!

I'm here, Joe.

Well, come on, gather round.

All right, today I had

a truly once-in-a-lifetime experience at the butcher shop.

I was perusing the fine meats... which reminded me

of my dominance over all the beasts in the field...

and this... this man, he came to me in a navy suit,

and he asked me: would I like to shake Donald Trump's hand?

Oh, God. Please don't say you shook Donald Trump's hand.

Wait, you don't know what happens.

Nah, she's right, I did.

I shook Donald Trump's hand.

You ruined a perfectly good "gather round."

Wait a minute, are you sure it was Donald Trump, Dad?

You know how you guys get middle-aged white men mixed up.

I don't care what you say, Jerrod.

That was Kurt Russell at that car wash.

Yeah, it was Trump all right.

He's in town for a rally,

and he was popping in to some of the local businesses

trying to meet real Americans.

We all know ain't nobody more real and more American

than Joe Carmichael.

Here's a picture of us in front of the veal cutlets.

Wow.

How could you allow yourself to get used like that, Joe?

This is obviously just a photo op for his campaign.

He wants it to look

like black people would actually vote for him.

Maxine, you got to understand something about me.

I don't vote by race.

I don't vote by party.

I just look at the candidates, and I pick the one

that I think's gonna make the best president.

Joe Carmichael is making America great again.

Joe, you cannot vote for Trump.

No Trump. Never Trump.

He's just...

I just...

I can't.

Why?

Okay, all right, Maxine, just breathe.

Uh, please just tell me you're joking.

No, I don't joke about voting, and I vote for everything.

Even comptroller, and I don't even know what that is.

But I do know I don't like the job that Tommy Liu is doing.

Oh, don't get me started on Tommy Liu.

It's like he's not even trying to "comptrol."

Okay, well, if we can stop talking

about politics for one minute...

No, no, no, now, there are two rules in this house.

No voting for Donald Trump,

and no touching my Dove body wash with microbeads.

Now, Cynthia, I love you, and I respect you,

but you can't tell me who I can vote for,

and you can't tell me not to use your body wash.

You're not the only one up in here that needs to exfoliate.

Or would you rather I shed my skin in bed like a snake?

Joe. Joe.

Do you really want an orange president

with little tiny baby hands?

Look, we're here because Maxine and I have some news.

Now what's wrong with being orange?

Why you got to make this racial?

I think he looks like a beautiful tropical sunset.

Okay, Joe, this man could be the leader of our country.

The-the fate of the world could rest in his hands,

and he's talking about building walls

and exporting citizens.

He very well could be the next Hitler.

Well, there it is.

Can we get through one election season

without somebody being called Hitler?

Trump is not Hitler, okay?

You can't get that far in New York real estate

without support from Jewish people.

Look, if we're being honest, we just can't judge a president

by what they did before they got into politics.

What? That is all we can judge them on.

Ronald Reagan was an actor.

He literally lied to people for a living,

and we made him president.

Uh, Obama was a community organizer,

and if we're being honest with ourselves,

what the hell was that?

I always wondered about it,

but I didn't want to rock the boat.

George W. Bush, it-it was basically his first job.

It's like his parents were like,

"You got to get off the couch and do something,"

and then he became president of the United States.

All right, Joe, give me the best reason

that you are voting for Trump.

Well, first, see, he wants to...

And don't say "make American great again."

Well, second, see, he wants to, um...

bring all the jobs home,

and he wants to build up the military

and take care of our veterans.

He said Senator McCain wasn't a war hero

because he was captured.

That's like saying JFK got what he deserved