The Honeymooners

With the stars...

and...

Whew!

Oh.

? Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo... ?

Oh, hi, Alice.

Hiya, Trix.

Where's Ralph?

Oh, he's not home yet.

Oh. Well, Norton just called me,

and he told me to tell Ralph

that he might be a little late

for bowling tonight.

On his way home from work,

he has to stop in at this television store.

We're getting a new set.

You are? Mm-hmm.

What's the matter with the old one?

Oh, we've had an awful lot of trouble with it, Alice.

So, yesterday, I called in the television repairman

and he says it just isn't worth fixing.

Gee. Here you are getting your second set

and we haven't had our first one yet.

Oh, I wish Ralph would get me a television.

I begged him, Trixie, for a set.

I pleaded with him.

Alice, you're never going to get anything

out of Ralph by begging.

Husbands just love to see us beg.

Whenever I want to get something out of Ed,

I just use the old "pipe and slippers" routine.

What's that?

Well, when Ed gets home from work,

I bring him his pipe and his slippers

and I wait on him and I flatter him.

I make him real comfortable.

Then, when he's in a good mood, I spring it on him.

And Alice, it never fails.

Hiya, Trix. Hi.

Hurry up with my eats; I'm going bowling.

Try it, Alice.

Believe me, it'll work.

Well, I don't know.

Go ahead; what have you got to lose?

Look, honey, I'll see you later.

Okay, Trix.

Oh, Ralph?!

Sweetheart-face?

You don't have to hurry.

Ed called and said

he might be a little late tonight.

Why don't you just let me make you comfortable here

because you've been gone all day long

and I miss you something terrible, sweetums.

Who is "sweetums"?

You're sweetums.

You're nuts.

Oh, Ralph.

Come on, sit down and let me make you comfortable.

That way I can look at my darling boy

while I'm making supper.

Have you been having headaches lately?

Ralph, there's nothing wrong with me.

Come on, now, sit down and relax.

Come on, and I'll get you the paper.

That's it.

You just relax there.

Oh, yeah, she's gone, all right.

Here, sweetie.

There's your paper.

It'll do you no good to hide my shoes,

'cause I'm going bowling regardless.

I don't want to hide your shoes, Ralph.

I want you to go bowling.

I want you to do anything that'll make you happy.

All right, where is she?

I know she's here.

She's either out on that fire escape

or hiding in the bathroom.

Your mother is here, Alice,

but she's not staying.

Ralph, Mother isn't here.

It's like I said, I just want to make you comfortable.

Come on now, sit down,

and I'll get you a nice, tall drink.

Come on, Ralphie.

That's it.

What would you like, Ralph--

lemonade, or, uh, milk or juice?

Let me have what you're drinking.

I want to get loaded, too.

I'll get you some lemonade,

'cause I know that's your favorite.

Here you are, sweetie.

Are you comfy, sweetums?

Yeah, I'm comfy.

Good.

Oh, and by the way, Ralph...

Aha!

Aha!

"By the way," eh?

I knew there'd have to be a "by the way" in here someplace.

All right, what's "by the way"?

All right, Ralph.

The Nortons are getting a new television set,

and I was just thinking, "Why don't we get one, too?"

All right, Alice.

I am now going out the door again.

When I come back in,

act like I wasn't in here before.

And I don't want any of this...

none of that...

none of this stuff.

I don't want to be comfy, I don't want my slippers,

I don't want any lemonade, and most of all,

most of all, I don't want any talk

about buying a television set.

Ralph, why can't we have a television set?

The Nortons are on their second one.

We haven't even had our first one yet.

Why do you always have to be so cheap?

Cheap?

Cheap?

Is that why you think I won't get you a set,

'cause I'm cheap?

Well, that shows how much you know.

All right, what is the reason?

Do you want to know the reason?

Yeah.

You wanna know the reason?

Yeah!

The reason?

All right, I'll tell you the reason.

I'm waiting for 3-D television-- that's the reason.

Are you waiting for 3-D refrigerators, too?

Let's face it, Ralph.

You're just too cheap to get me a set.

Ed Norton makes the same money you do

and you know what they have?

They got a washing machine,

they got a vacuum cleaner, they got a television set,

they even got an electric stove.

I gotta go along with you, Alice.

You're right.

They got all of those things.

And they got one more thing that we ain't got.

Do you know what that is? Worries.

Do you know why they got worries?

'Cause every week he's got to go down and pay for those things, see?

That's headaches when you got to pay out every week.

I don't have any headaches.

I got peace of mind.

That's what I got-- peace of mind.

Go ahead, let them buy things.

Let 'em buy 'em.

What good are things?

I got money, Alice.

I sock mine away in a bank.

You know what the bank account is now?

It's going up! Up!

We got $75 laying around there.

That's what we got.

So, don't go envying Trixie.

She's got electric stoves,

she's got television sets, she's got washing machines.

You've got financial security.

Just remember that.

You know as well as I do, Alice,

that money is better than things.

I would rather have money in my wallet--

in my wallet, I'd rather have money--

than all the things in the world.

So, let Norton have his vacuum cleaners.

Let him have his television sets.

Let him have his electrical stoves.

Go ahead.

I got one thing that he hasn't got.

I've got it here.

You got it here, and you got it here,

and you got it here.

But I still want a television set.

Now, look around you, Ralph.

We don't have any electric appliances.

Do you want to know what our electric bill was last month?

39 cents.

We haven't blown a fuse, Ralph, in ten years.

What ever happened

to the sweet, unspoiled girl I married before?

What ever happened to that girl, Alice?

Do you remember what you said to me before we got married?

"Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you."

I'm still willing.

I think it would be an improvement.

Do you wanna go to the moon?

Do you wanna go to the moon?!

That would be an improvement, too.

Oh...

Now, let me tell you something,

Mr. Financial Security.

I want a television set,