Players

Hey, what's up, Hickey?

Calvin.

What are you bidding on?

I got a couple of neat items here.

I got charles barkley's retainer,

And I got thunder dan majerle's wristband.

Awesome. Not a bad start, huh?

Yeah, those will look great on the wall.

Morning, guys. Hey.

What's up? Hickey.

Need something to do? I'm doing it.

Okay, we really don't need any more sports memorabilia.

I'm just doing what I'm asked.

What the hell's that? Drink specials.

What's a fart sandwich?

Uh, vodka, sweet vermouth,

And two tootsie rolls.

Yeah. Okay, no. Take it off.

Well, bruce told me to put it up, so...

Calvin, anytime my brother tells you to do something,

Run it by me first.

You know, ken, when you guys do stuff like this,

One of you tells me to do one thing,

I get confused, and it kind of affects me.

Are you crying? No.

Hey, what do you think of this?

Fart sandwich? Yeah.

It's awesome. We got so wasted on them last night.

Oh, yeah? What, you guys, you got together last night?

Yeah, we had, like, this after-party

Where we all just got way drunk,

And, God, Bruce was on fire.

Yeah, I actually... I got together

With some of my friends too.

We were at this...

Threw the football around.

Everybody just, you know, howling at the moon.

And everyone's like, "hey! Look out!

The party machine is tearing loose."

I'm like, "hey, guys, come on. I'm the party machine?"

Morning, everyone.

Hi. Morning.

Bruce and I just happened to run into each other

In the parking lot.

Just had a very nice walk over her.

So thank you very much for that.

Thank you.

And I know this outfit looks a lot

Like the one I wore yesterday,

But it's actually completely different

If you take a closer look.

Thank you.

See you in a minute. Okay.

Ken.

Bruce. Hickey.

Bruce. How are ya?

So, uh, fart sandwich?

It's awesome. Yeah.

Next time you have an idea,

Run it by me, please, so you don't waste

Our employees' time.

I want it off the board. You're right, ken.

We're partners.

I shouldn't make decisions without getting your blessing.

I'm gonna take this off. Thank you.

T-that's very mature of you. No problem.

We're a team.

I'm not running my own show here.

We work together.

Hey, bruce, I got that thing that you wanted.

Oh, great.

Front window?

Hey, wait, hold on. What is it?

God damn it!

So in the future, if someone vomits,

Don't just put up the "caution: Floor wet" sign.

Clean it up. Agreed?

All right, we're done.

All right, no, now we're on to the fun part

Of the meeting.

I had a dream last night, and I got inspired.

We're gonna have a grand opening.

We had a grand opening.

No, that wasn't a grand opening.

Players is officially open.

Next round's on players, boys.

Drink up.

Who are these people?

Our first customers.

We're not open yet. Just relax, ken.

They wanted to get a beer, and I said, "okay, come on in."

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.

You're the guy I shooed away from the dumpster this morning.

Hey, that is homeless mike.

He is our first regular customer.

Show some respect.

So, since that went terribly,

We're gonna do it right this time.

We're gonna reintroduce ourselves to the world.

No offense, ken, it just seems a little odd

To open something that's already been opened.

Yeah, I think you just want to have a party.

We can have a party.

Oh, we could shut down for three weeks

And tell people that the health department closed us.

Why would we do that?

So they wouldn't make fun of us

For opening something that's open.

Okay, fine, we'll call it a grand reopening.

Okay, but if we have a grand reopening,

We still need to have something new to promote.

Guess what? We do.

I have come up

With a new players employees rules and regulations manual.

I want everybody...

To commit these to memory.

We are gonna raise our standards

Up to soup ranch level.

We're gonna let people know that you can depend

On a consistent dining and drinking experience

At this establishment.

You broke down greetings into drink greetings,

Food order greetings, check-in greetings,

And exit greetings? It's great, huh?

"did you catch the game last night?

"speaking of which, how about a dessert

As good as last night's game?"

It's funny. I think that one's...I love that one.

I think you're confusing clever with funny, ken.

"the game clock's running down...here's your check."

Do you want us to time people as they eat?

No, it's just a joke.

They're meant to be light-hearted.

Most of them incorporate a sports theme.

And they're just a way to seem, like, you know, offhand and fun.

What's a food quarterback?

That's a waiter. Okay.

Well, ken, thank you for doing this.

But, uh, I don't think people are gonna come

To our grand reopening to hear new greetings.

I think what we need is some celebrities.

Love celebrities.

No, like who? I'll get charles barkley here.

I know a guy who plays golf with him.

Oh, my God!

And I know shaq's bookie.

Give me a pen.

I'm gonna write this down so I don't forget.

And we can get Michael Phelps.

I know you love Michael Phelps. Oh, I love him!

Having sex with him would be like sleeping with a fish.

Nancy Kerrigan. Nancy Kerrigan, of course.

I would really appreciate it.

We're just having a big grand reopening,

And we're big fans of his.

All right, bye.

Did you get someone?

That was Shaquille O'Neal's pool cleaner.

Fingers crossed he's gonna be there for the grand opening.

We're really gonna do this, aren't we?

I know. It's gonna be good. Yeah.

Your celebrities, my rules and regulations...

Home run!

We might want to just lay off the rules and regs

Till after the grand reopening.

I mean, just to make it fun, like, not such a, you know,

Corporate-franchise feel.

You know, I might be a little more fun

If I got invited to your little get-togethers.

Yeah, krista told me about that.

That was spontaneous, honestly.

We didn't plan anything. Weust started hanging out.

I'd like to be at those things.

I like all those guys that work for us.

Okay.

Next time we get together,

I'll bring you with, okay?

Okay. Just promise to loosen up.

Okay? Yeah, no, I love to have fun.

Do you? Yeah.

Well, how come you didn't like the fart sandwich?

That's...that's actually hilarious, that idea.

Come on, you got to know that's distasteful.

It's for people with a sense of humor.

You want to know what really bothered me the most, though?

You didn't run it by me.

When I was working at soup ranch...

Oh, shut the up about soup ranch, please.

We don't work there.

You know, sometimes I wish I did,

Because when I used to follow the 14 tenets...

Mother soup ranch.

Don't you say, "mother soup ranch."

Soup ranch did for me what the marines

Do for some people.

It straightened out my head.

None of your ideas are helping the business.

All my ideas help the business.

The boxing wall is a disaster. All people do is graffiti there.

That's because it's by the phone.