My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl 3x16 Stole A Motorcycle

When Randy crossed something off my list and I got better,

he realized that, while I may be out of the reach of modern medicine,

I wasn't out of the reach of Karma.

The list.

How's Earl gonna pick something from the list?

- All he does is lay here and drool. - Then I'll pick for him.

How's that any better? You just stand here and drool.

You're right. Earl should pick.

Randy and Joy were nervous about me being in a coma,

but my mind had a trick for dealing with the stress.

Back when I was a kid and things were bad,

I would escape into the comfortable world of television.

Harriet, what's that kayak doing in the kitchen?

And that's what my mind was doing again.

So while on the outside, my body was laying still,

on the inside, I had a life with Billie that was moving along great.

I have some exciting news,

but you can't tell Earl.

I'm pregnant.

I knew that!

Delivery boy at the supermarket told me you didn't buy lady pads this month.

You know what, Randy? I'm gonna surprise Billie

by ordering in some of this take-out Chinese food

that all these celebrities are talking about.

Well, i'm so glad you met with the guy I recommended.

Oh yeah, he is definitely the guy for me.

His hands are warm, and he doesn't rush throught it

and make you feel like you're just another number.

He's such a catch.

The girls are gonna be so jealous you got him.

I know, and I was so excited when I left,

I forgot to pay his fee!

His fee?

I think your wife's seeing a gigolo.

Come on, Earl, drool.

I think his mouth is dry. Maybe we should spit in it.

Shut up. Here it comes.

"Stole a motorcycle."

Oh, man.

One afternoon, me and Randy were poking around the neighborhood

scoping out stuff to steal.

We called it "taking a crime walk."

Oh, check out the hog.

Dibs. Where is she?

You don't have to worry about it, and I could care less what you do with it.

- You never put anything back. - You've no respect for anybody's stuff.

I know you lost it.

Listen, I didn't lose the gas tank!

You had it last, because I remember thinking,

"Wow, my father's actually working."

Well, I know it's not up your butt 'cause that's where your head is.

Guys, check it out. I'm a speed skater.

You think your brother needs another shot to the head, moron.

A motorcycle with the keys in it was the best thing to fall in our laps

since Mitzi the stripper passed out on us at Club Chubby.

Once we got the motorcycle,

we decided to have some fun.

Life is awesome!

And whenever we were having fun, we loved to add beer.

And rum. And tequila.

And whatever malt liquor was on sale.

Next thing we knew, it was morning.

Randy, wake up.

We're on a school bus.

What? How'd we get here?

I don't remember anything from last night.

Probably best if you don't.

Great. Now you just got to return that motorcycle.

But I have no idea what we did with it.

I was blackout drunk that night.

Too bad Earl's in a coma,

'cause he was just plain ol' wake-up-in-the-school-bus drunk.

He'd remember.

Come on. Think hard.

Something's coming back.

Oh, it left.

It's coming back.

There it goes again. It's fast.

It's just a naked lady.

Oh, it's a dude. I don't want to do this anymore.

While Randy tried to figure out where to find the bike,

in my coma mind, I was dealing with problems of my own.

So that's the plan.

I'll pretend to go to work tomorrow,

and when this gigolo comes over to see my wife,

he'll get a rendez-vous with more than just Billie.

Off to work, honey.

Won't be back till 5:00.

Earl, what are you doing?!

Surprising you,

'cause you were getting all dolled up expecting some gigolo to come over.

Are you crazy?

The only two things I'm expecting are to see my doctor...

and to have your baby.

We're having a baby?!

My own baby...

who'll be my color and actually looks like me.

But wait a minute.

What about Joy saying he's a catch

and the others girls are gonna be so jealous you got him?

Because he's so popular, he rarely takes on new patients.

I mean, even the smallest thing can make him say no.

I got him, Earl, and he's a real sicko!

He said he's been seeing our mom for years!

The Hickeys will be right back.

Randy didn't remember what we did with the motorcycle,

so he went to see Jasper,

who'd been in the paper for surviving more gunshot wounds than 50 Cent.

I remember that day. It was like 2:30 in the afternoon.

You and Earl came in just brain-dead, butt-ugly wasted.

Sorry about saying "brain-dead" with you brother in the coma.

Turns out me and Randy had spent about an hour

trying to convince Jasper to buy the motorcycle that day.

I'm sorry, guys, but I can't resell it.

I think it's wrong to sell something that jeopardizes the customer safety.

What? You sold hand grenades to a high school football team.

They said that was for a prank.

Hey, how much is the chicken suit?

How's this? You give me the chain off the motorcycle, and it's yours.

I didn't need the chain.

I just didn't want you driving around Camden all wasted.

I have kids, you know?

I mean, I don't know who they are or if they exist,

but I used to have a lot of unprotected sex.

So do you know where we went next?

I know you wanted to wear the chicken suit

to nickel wing day at the Crab Shack.

I believe you said, and I quote,

"People would be eating their wings. Then I would come in and they'd be like

'Oh, God, it's a giant chicken come for revenge!'"

That sounds like me. My comedy always has a message.

I have to tell you, Randy.

Doing Earl's list to make him better is genius.

That's what Joy said, too.

Then she called me "dummy," which hurt a little,

but it really made me value the moment where she called me "genius."

See?

People love it when I call 'em names!

"Buttwipe, douchebag, dummy."

It's like sprinkles on the ice cream cones of conversation.

I do remember something about that night with the motorcycle.

Honestly, I hoped it would never come up again.

I mistakenly believed you and your brother's silence on the matter

meant you felt appropriately ashamed of your behavior.

As it turns out, that afternoon,

me and Randy pushed the motorcycle into the Crab Shack

and engaged in what my dad calls "general jackassery."

You're eating my baby!

Earl, you guys have got to stop!

The table in the back just passed out from exhaust,

and the giant chicken thing is freaking people out!

Don't worry, Crab Man.

I'll stop the chicken.

I know how to speak their language.

Problem solved.

That explains why that sign is there.

Anyway, when you heard the cops were coming,

you pushed the bike out and went on the run with it.

- That's the last I saw of you. - Man, one clue at a time.

This is like what someone told me reading a book is like.

Okay, what'd we do next?

I'm not sure, but we should talk to Homeless Joe.

I seem to remember he mentioned seeing you guys do something freaky that night.

Plus, I haven't visited him since he got married to Shopping Card Kim.

I owe him a congratulations.

I don'know anything about a motorcycle.

I saw you at midnight.

You and your brother were driving a tiny little car.

Homeless Joe was kind of right.

Randy was driving a tiny little car.

But I was driving a tiny little plane.