American Horror Story

- Hey, Troy. You're a dork. - Oh, shut up.

Hey, freak.

Excuse me.

You are going to die in there.

Shut your mouth or we're gonna kick your ass.

We got bats.

I hate trees.

You're gonna regret it.

You're gonna regret it.

You're gonna regret it.

Yeah!

Troy!

Awesome.

- Go. - You go, shithead.

Check it out.

It stinks in here.

It stinks like shit.

Remember last summer when we got the raccoon stuck in our chimney?

That's what it smells like. Let's go find it.

No, it smells bad. I'm getting out of here.

Troy?

Troy?

Who's down there?

Cut it out, Troy.

Cut it out.

- So are your periods regular again? - Every other month.

Not that I'm really complaining after all that blood.

Ben hates blood.

You having issues with arousal?

Not when I'm by myself.

Hmm. You can lie back.

Well, I've recently had some success with women your age...

using bioidentical treatments and hormones.

- For what? - Well, it's sort of a preemptive strike.

You see, your body is like a house.

You can fix the tiles in the bathroom and the kitchen...

but if the foundation is decaying, well, you're wasting your time.

- What are the side effects? - You can sit up.

Well, the B.H.R.T.'s are great for your skin, your organs.

Most of the women I give these to tell me they make them feel 10 years younger.

I don't know. I don't even let my family drink out of plastic bottles.

Taking a bunch of hormones when I don't even know what the side effects are?

- I'd just- - Feel and look 10 years younger.

I don't need hormones, Doctor.

I'm just trying to get control...

of my body again after what happened.

And I'm offering you something to help you get that back.

I'm not a house.

Vivien, what are you so afraid of?

- 911. - I have an intruder in my house.

- You sure it's not a member of your family? - No. Nobody is home.

- What's the address? - 35 Drumlin Road.

- We're sending a patrol car. - Please hurry. Please.

Oh, my God. Oh, Viv, no.

No. No-

Viv. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No.

No- Ah!

You're gonna regret it. You're gonna regret it.

You're gonna regret it. You're gonna regret it.

- The light is different out here. It's softer. - It's called smog.

You should be excited, Vi.

You can stop sneaking cigarettes and just start taking deep breaths.

- I need to go to the bathroom. - We're almost there.

- I need to go. - Vi, it's a freeway.

Really. Where do you want me to pull over?

Maybe the Honda next to us has a bathroom or something.

Bet if baby substitute had to shit, you'd find somewhere.

Really, Violet? I hate that word unless I'm saying it.

You know, I'm really glad we named you Violet instead of our second choice.

- Which was? - Sunshine.

It's funny. Come on. You gotta admit it's funny.

I love it.

Don't you love it, hon?

I mean, it looks even better than it did online.

Yeah, it's- It's interesting.

Great. So we're the Addams Family now.

Hey! Crabby pants!

- Come here. - What are you doing?

- Isn't this place amazing? - Hmm.

Welcome.

It's a classic L.A. Victorian...

built around 1920 by the doctor to the stars at the time.

- It's just fabulous. - These are real Tiffany fixtures.

As you can see, the previous owners really loved this place like a child.

They restored everything.

- Gay? - What do you think?

Tiffany. Wow.

- Do you cook? - Viv is a great cook.

I got her cooking lessons a few years ago...

and she ended up teaching the teacher a few things.

Cooking lessons. Romantic.

- Aren't you a psychologist? - Psychiatrist.

You said something on the phone about there being a study that I could use as a home office?

I'm planning on seeing patients here...

so I can spend more time with the family.

How refreshing.

Violet, honey, would you go see where Hallie went?

Thank you.

What are you yapping at?

When I saw the pictures of this room online...

I thought maybe you could use it as your music room.

Are you a musician?

- I was. - Cellist. Very good one, in fact.

Why did you quit?

This wallpaper is peeling over here.

Looks like maybe there's a mural underneath it.

The last owners probably covered it up. They were modernists.

Speaking of the last owners...

full disclosure requires that I tell you about what happened to them.

Oh, God. They didn't die in here or anything, did they?

Yes, actually. Both of them. Murder-suicide.

I sold them the house too.

They were just the sweetest couple. You never know, I guess.

That explains why it's half the price of every other house in the neighborhood, I guess.

I do have a very nice mid-century ranch, but it's in the Valley...

and you're going to get a third of the house for twice the price.

- Great. - Where'd it happen?

The basement.

We'll take it.

Come on, baby. Let's go to bed. Leave that for the morning.

I'm a little bit worried about Violet. You know?

These kids here are very different.

I don't know if she can handle another year not fitting in.

You mean ... you can't?

I can't believe this place doesn't freak you out a little because of what happened here.

My repulsion is tempered by the fact that this house is worth four times what we paid for it.

So, let's not think about it.

This is your professional advice, Doctor?

Just denial?

Come on. Let me give you a little love.

Moving here, buying this house...

was the exact right thing to do...

for us... and our family.

It's a good thing.

And we deserve some good after all the shit we've been through.

I-I've got some stuff I want to...

unpack down in the kitchen.

I appreciate that you're trying.

I'm trying too.

Okay.

It's just gonna take some time.

- So I let him. - Do coke off your nipples?

They were numb for, like, two days.

Hey! Student council passed a rule against smoking in public spaces.

- Secondhand smoke kills. - I'm new. I didn't know.

What the hell is wrong with you?

People sit here. They eat here.

You don't know me. Why are you doing this?

Leah's grandmother died of lung cancer. She takes this stuff pretty seriously.

Eat it. Eat it or I'm gonna kick the shit out of you.

- No. - Come on, Leah. That's enough.

No, no, no. I want to see her eat it.

- Yes! Eat it! - Leah, seriously, she's, like, 12.

You are dead!

You are dead!

Whoo!

- You're gonna die in here. - Who are you?

- What are you doing? What are you doing here? - Adelaide.

Adelaide.

Adelaide. Adelaide.

I put on Dora the Explorer for you, so you would sit and watch it.

It was Go, Diego, Go. I don't like it.

Oh, brown cartoon characters. You can't tell the difference.

- Excuse me. - Hi.

Hi.

I'm Constance, your neighbor from next door...

and this is my girl, Adelaide.

Hello.

Go home, Addy. Now.

That girl is a monster.

I love her, and I'm a good Christian...

but Jesus H. Christ...

if they'd invented some of those tests a few years ago, I would have-

How did you get into my house?

You left your back door open.

Although I have to tell you, Addy will always find a way in.

She has a bug up her ass about this house. Always has.

- You have the loveliest things. - Thank you.

- Have you got a dog? - I-I do have a dog, yes.

I run a little kennel out of my house.

- Doggy day care kind of a thing and- - How nice.

Well, I prefer purebreds.

I adore the beauty of a long line...

but there's always room in my home for mongrels.

Oh. Oh, my.

Look at those earrings.

Are those real diamonds?

Not that home-shopping shit?

No.

I used to have diamonds like that.

Different pair for every day of the week.

- Did your husband give them to you? - He did. Mm-hmm.

They always do when you're young and pretty.

Are you Southern?

Proud Virginian.

The Old Dominion, born and bred.

Thank you for noticing.

I came out here to be a movie star.

Did the screen tests and everything.

But nudity was the big deal then.