Outrageous Fortune

She is my daughter.

No, she's my daughter, and I know what she needs.

You can visit her whenever you like and have her every other weekend.

How the fuck is that fair?

If you two are planning on being together, why don't you get married?

You cannot let her get away with this.

We go to court, she'll win.

So what's the plan? Wanna marry me?

Apparently calls were made by a lawyer claiming I've been harrassing you.

If you don't go, I'm getting a restraining order.

Christ almighty, Cheryl, we had a son. Do you remember that?

Do you think I could forget?

I can't live in this fucking silence.

I, Loretta, take you, Hayden, to be my legal husband.

I, Hayden, take you, Loretta, to be my legal wife.

Great, and we're done here.

We're searching these premises.

How the fuck could you turn up now?

This is offensive language, and you're under arrest.

THUDDING, SHOUTING

Take him as well. Leave her alone, you prick!

Let go of me!

Let her go.

SMASH! Let her go, you bastard!

Oh, Christ!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

VEHICLE APPROACHES AT SPEED

ROCK MUSIC

SIREN WAILS

How come Gerard gets to go first? How's that fucking fair?

Fucking arsehole.

ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES

No! Let me go! Let me see her! Pascalle!

Cheryl! Cheryl!

Fucking pile of shit! Come on! Cheryl!

< THUD!

Come out, you bastards.

Cops aren't here, Van.

They broke the table.

Technically that was Van.

Well, yeah, only cos the cops attacked me, the bastards.

Yeah, the bastards.

We need to clean up. You start in here.

The cops should be cleaning up. They trashed the place, the bastards.

Yeah, the bastards.

< MUFFLED GROANING, SQUEAKING

What is that?

< GROANING, SQUEAKING CONTINUE

Cops.

Hey, Eric. Fuck!

Hello, all.

Oh, gross.

I was just keeping an eye on the place for you. Oh, hey, hey — welcome back.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

# Lying in the gutter,

# I cut the cord from my mother.

# She pat me on the head and said,

# 'Go to sea, boy. Get to sea, man.'

# My luck in the gutter black.

# I guess I'm running back...

# ...to you.

# You in my brain. You in my heart. #

Mum. Hey, love.

Gidday, Cheryl. Good to see ya.

What are you doing here?

I just happened to catch the weekend news about a certain stabbing in West Auckland and a cop in hospital.

And I'm thinking, 'Some P-head's done it this time,' but bugger me if it's not my old mate Cheryl West.

Look, I'm not on bloody P. Of course not.

And it wasn't a stabbing.

It was a broken bottle, and I didn't mean to break it.

All good stuff, Cheryl, and we'll get to that.

What—? 'We'll—We'll get to that'?

Well, happy to represent.

No, I've got someone off the list.

You realise the gravity of this, Cheryl? The assault charge is just the beginning.

I said we're hire him. Yeah, but he's a QC.

Which means he's quite competent.

Yeah, and quite fucking costly.

DES LAUGHS >

Oh, a couple of your excellent roasts, Cheryl, and we'll call it a discount.

'Quite fucking costly'. We have to be in court soon, so come on.

I saw red when he took Pascalle, right,

and I tried to help him, but that's when he pulled the fucking gun.

All great stuff, Cheryl, but the judge won't give a monkey's.

He shot my daughter

and that doesn't mean anything?

That's a formality.

I just want to get out and see her.

We'll have you in and out in no time, Cheryl.

SOLEMN GUITAR MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

Aaron, are you still here?

In case you needed something in the night. Um, the nurse said it was OK.

She's such a stupid cow.

She's a caring professional.

If she was, she would realise that no way could you ever be my boyfriend.

She must have got that wrong. Language difficulties.

She should go back to Philippines. You should go back to Creepy-ville.

Don't upset yourself.

Shit, what time is it?

Breakfast came, and I took the low-fat option for lunch.

Shit.

What, did you want the macaroni?

No, I'm meant to be at court. Van's supposed to pick me up.

You can't leave. You need care.

I know as much as these stupid dummies in here.

What are you doing? Taking this stupid drip out.

Oh, whoa.

Did you bring my button-through top?

Yes, but there's been heaps to do.

Van, can you help me get dressed?

No, let me. Uh, yeah, he can do it.

Van, you're my brother. No! I don't want to see your bosies.

I don't mind. Honest.

Van, if you don't help me get dressed, I'm gonna break your fingers.

Aaron. Here you are.

Come on, then.

Van, you dick. I can't open the door.

Fucking hell.

Come on, man. We're gonna be late.

Ooh, sorry.

Oh my God, I think we've missed it.

Mrs West. Detective.

Scuse me, Detective, will you give us a comment?

Mum! Mrs West.

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

We have no comment at this time.

Mum. Sweetheart.

What are you doing here? I had to come and see you. Ow!

Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I did I hurt you? No.

Hey. Hey, see that? That's my sister.

Right there. And if anyone's a criminal, it's not my mum, OK. It's Gerard.

Detective Gerard. He shot my sister through the tit, man. Through the tit!

An Auckland woman accused of assaulting a police officer was released on bail.

REPORTERS CLAMOUR ON TV

We have no comment at this time.

JANE BURBLES Oh, wow, Cheryl, you're on the news.

Might need to get used to that.

Yeah, you're famous now.

Oh, bugger that for a joke.

Feelings outside the court were running high. Shh, shh.

VAN (ON TV): If anyone's a criminal, it's not my mum. It's Gerard. Detective Gerard.

He shot my sister through the tit.

Through the tit! Oh.

Get out of my face.

Did you have to say 'through the tit'?

You'd prefer 'Brad Pitt'? Booby? Chesticle?

PHONE RINGS

Come on, guys. Let's sit up and eat, eh?

No, no, no. Turn it off. No!

House of holey hooters.

Oh, hi.

Hello. >

Oh, hi. Did you see me on the TV?

Cheryl.

Ngaire. They let you out?

Yes.

I'll let Ted know when I'm next in Mt Eden.

Those bastard cops, eh? >

Vindictive, putting an old man in jail because someone couldn't keep her temper.

Hey, Ngaire, it's not Mum's fault.

Hey, can we shut up and eat, please?

KNOCK AT DOOR Is Van West here?

SILENCE

And you are?

Bailey Wilson, Van's lawyer.

You were meant to call me about your appearance.

Bailey.

Uh, yeah, I got— Oh, I was busy.

Van, go talk to your lawyer. Thanks, Mrs West.

I'll come give you some support, bro.

Come on, then, lady.

Jethro. Long time, no see.

Shit. You know that girl?

Yeah. Law school. She got an A for partying.

Oh, fuck, that's all we need.

I'm not guilty. Not one bit of guilty.

Well, you still need to appear to say that.

Yeah, but the cops...

They should pay — you know, shooting my sister a-a-and arresting everyone.

Well, do you want tell me about that?

Well, I can't now. I... I'm too stressed. I can't concentrate.

Are you gonna share that around?

What, you smoke dak?

I've even inhaled.

Man, how come you got the cool lawyer, bro, and I got the old guy off the list?

What, you were arrested at the same time?

Fucking sure was.

Why don't you tell me about it?

You know that I will be scarred for life, eh?

I don't care.

Don't you?

If I was there, you know what I would do?

What?

I'd be kissing you. Where?

Starting with your lips.

Mm-hm.

Moving down your neck.

Mm-hm.

To your breast.