Escaping Ohio

In fifth grade, my class had to do a project

on the most important people from Ohio.

But I decided to do my project not on one person,

but on what connected all of them.

I realized then and there,

they weren't successful because they were from Ohio,

they were successful because they got the hell out.

["Good Day Cafe" by For Lack of a Term plays]

Hey, can you tell JJ Mom needs him in ten?

Copy.

Yep, that's me, Sam Posey.

Born and raised in a small town in Akron, Ohio.

There's not much to report yet,

because my story has barely started.

Oh, co-- come on, I was so close!

No, you weren't.

Well, I'm closer than usual.

-Your mom wants you down in ten. -What for?

I don't know, maybe your party?

[cassette clicking and rewinding]

This is JJ

He's kind of a doofus, but he's my doofus.

We go as far back as I can remember.

I don't think we ever had that moment

when we became best friends.

We've just always been JJ and Sam.

We spend pretty much every day together,

finding anything to keep us from dying of boredom.

You're doing great.

Have you started timing me yet? You don't even have a watch on!

He even took a job at Swensons

just to keep me entertained.

Did you see how fast that was?

You want friends with speed, I'm just saying.

I think that may be

what defines our friendship, actually.

He saves me from the misery of growing up

in a town with nothing to do.

[cassette rewinding and clicking]

Why can't people just send checks in the mail

and skip all the hugs and small talk?

You know how much I love your family parties.

Ah, well, lucky for you,

my creepy Uncle Dave won't be here today.

You know, I actually think I prefer him

over your Aunt Kathy.

What? She's a saint!

With big checks.

Well, she always asks if we're dating,

and when I tell her no, for the hundredth time,

she still acts surprised and then demands to know

who I'm seeing.

Damn, Aunt Kathy, you girl has more going on

than her love life.

She probably just doesn't know what else to talk about.

You should open your gift now.

Gift?

Like I wasn't going to get you anything.

It's in my bag.

It ain't a big old check.

-Do you remember? -Are you kidding?

Those were the good old days.

No worry about the future or what's next.

All that mattered was

how much candy we could shove in a pillowcase.

Yeah, and how hard you could knee Johnny Mannebusen

in the nuts if he tried to steal it.

Asshole deserved it.

Stealing candy from some skinny little dweeb.

Hey, okay, I was not that skinny.

You were just a really muscular kid.

So you accept the dweeb part?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm still a dweeb.

Dweeb for life.

You know...

Even though JJ and I only live

ten blocks away from each other,

we grew up a little different.

He's got the white picket fence, the PTA mom,

the model sister and a successful dad

who's already mapped out his entire future.

Yeah, I'm going to be studying business,

and, uh, then I'm going to be

working part-time in the Akron office.

Yep, and after graduation, he's going to become a VP

and in due time take over for me.

Well, shit, boy.

Sounds like I need to start bothering you about a job

instead of my brother-in-law.

Speaking of which,

I got a little idea I've been cooking up.

I think it's going to blow your mind.

Jerry, nobody cares about your ideas.

Oh, come on now, Frank.

It's different than the other one.

Oh, such a beautiful young girl.

You should have a boyfriend.

See, what did I say?

["Good + Ready" by Detention plays]

That's our friend Courtney,

the popular girl I thought I'd hate

-but couldn't help but love. -All right.

And our other friend Taylor.

She's the one person who sees Ohio like I do.

She wants to leave so bad, she joined the Air Force.

What's happening over there?

She's trying to make me jealous.

She's convinced I'm going to cheat while I'm away.

I don't think she understands how the military works.

You're doing long distance?

-Of course. -That never works.

I mean, you two have a healthy relationship.

Hey, there's Samantha.

How's your folks doing?

Doing good, thanks.

That's good to hear. They're always in our prayers.

Thank you.

So, now, where are y'all headed?

Ugh, the dreaded question.

I never know how to answer,

but I mean, why should I have to?

I've spent my whole life in school,

just graduated, and I haven't even had the chance

to figure out who I really am.

All I know is my life will start when I finally get out of here.

Speaking of...

I just applied to this writing internship

in California.

JJ says it's a long shot, but I applied anyways

because it might just be my ticket out.

Well, except for this other thing.

Your scholarship.

Scholarship?

Yeah, she got a STEM scholarship to Akron U.

-Full ride. -Oh, that's fantastic!

It is, but it might just keep me here forever.

-How are you so bad at this? -I don't know.

-Here, let me. -No, I can do it.

You don't have to be perfect all the time.

Okay, shut up.

I have plenty of other weaknesses

besides roasting marshmallows.

Yeah, like letting people do things for you?

Fine.

-Thank you. -It's my pleasure.

Hey, guys, we're heading over to Meg's party. You coming?

Lame.

All right, here you go.

This is gonna be the best thing you're ever gonna have

every time you go camping.

You're thinking a me, my lady.

-All right, give me that. -A lady must never grab.

Well, good thing I ain't a lady.

All right.

You win this one.

Well, you just have to show the marshmallow

a little love and care.

Is that so?

Here, let me put it in your language.

You have to rotate the sphere 45 degrees on the y-axis.

-No, that's not right? -

I thought that was right. No?

Okay, so this is why I almost failed math.

No, you almost failed math

because you were asleep half the time.

Okay, well, it's not my fault that that class

is at the same time as my scheduled nap.

So you're gonna schedule

your college classes around this scheduled block of napping?

Uh, hell yeah.

That's the best part of college, right?

And then when I'm VP,

I'm gonna put a futon in my office

and I'm gonna keep that time blocked off.

Nap time.

Got it all figured out, huh?

Oh, I'm living the good life, Sam.

You already joined the dark side, man.

Adulthood.

And the best part of your day is sleep.

I'm no adult.

I don't know. I think you lost your edge.

-I resent that. -Then again,

you would have had to have it in the first place.

Oh, okay. That's it.

-You're getting the wet willy. -No, no, no!

-Okay, no! -Literally.

Okay, stop!

Are you sure they're partying in the basement?

Oh, why? Are you scared?

-No. - No.

["Don't Wanna Grow Up" by Space Camp plays]