The Ricky Gervais Show

Announcer: For the past few years ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant, and karl pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant...

Hello. -...And the little round-headed buffoon

That is karl pilkington.

Hi.

Rick, you'll be pleased to know we've already had some responses.

Simon and mark have already emailed us in this link

To something that was on the bbc news website.

I don't know if you're familiar with this, but it's a remarkable story.

"lion mutilates 42 midgets in cambodian ring fight."

- That's just the headline. - That's ahead of a headline.

That makes me want to know more about the story.

That's what a headline should do.

"spectators cheered as the entire cambodian miet fighting league

Squared off against an african lion.

Tickets had been sold out three weeks

Before the much- anticipated fight.

The fight was organized when an angry fan

Contested yang sihamoni, president of the c.M.F.L.,

Claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters."

Well, the fight was ended, rick, after only 12 minutes,

After which 28 of the midget fighters

- Were declared dead... - Right.

...While the other 14 suffered severe injuries

Including broken bones, lost limbs and- they were basically unable to fight.

- But the lion wasn't hurt? - It would seem that the lion was okay.

Oh, good. Well, that's amazing.

Karl, what are your thoughts instantly?

I mean, you're bound to have a take on that.

See, what's annoying me is I've sent money to cambodia

Because apparently they're hungry and haven't got any energy.

- ( snickering ) - so what's going on?

Well, it's much easier to fill up a midget

Than it is a regular cambodian.

You know, they're happy on a mars bar.

I just feel like I'm being cheated a bit.

You were conned before with a charity, weren't you?

- Well, a few times, yeah. - What about the old lady?

- What was that? - I got stopped.

And it's like, uh, they sort of drag you in by saying,

"have you got a gran?" and I said, "no, they died."

It's like, "oh, did they die of the cold?"

"no, she was just ill, what have you-- old age."

She said, "well, what happens with a lot of people's grans

Is they die in the cold."

I was like, "oh, that's bad, innit?"

So she's chatting and showing me pictures

Of these old women who look cold,

Saying, "look at her. That's edna.

She's got no family.

She can't pay the bills" and all that.

So I'm like, "oh yeah?" anyway, it goes on for about 15 minutes.

You feel bad. You give them your bank details, right?

And what happens is, every couple of months

You get a letter from edna.

It's not from her. It's typed up and what have you.

But there's a picture of edna.

It's saying, "this December,

Edna's gonna be extra cold. It's cold outside.

She can't afford to pay the heat."

Yeah. - So you keep paying every month,

Like £5 or whatever.

Get another letter a few months later.

Edna's sat there-- she's got a tan.

what do you mean, she's got a tan?

Well, when they said she's cold,

I thought they meant for the heat and not to send her on holiday for a month.

She's sat there with a tan. I'm not joking.

- are you sure it wasn't just

- A slight problem in the printing? - No no, definitely.

- She looked well happy. - Are you sure it wasn't liver failure?

You see, when does it become bad

To avoid people like that?

Swme people say you shouldn't--

That they're people like us who've just had a bit of bad luck.

- Well, of course they are. - Yeah, I know,

But I remember one on our estate.

She was a bit-- what's the word that you can use?

I don't want to offend anyone.

Homeless person. - Yeah, but sort of a mental homeless.

That's the official term.

- Yes, I think that- - - that is the very official term.

"it's mental- homeless-itis." - right.

So she lived on the estate and what have you.

And she aged-- - how was she homeless if she lived othe estate?

Well, she sort of decided to stay around there...

All right. -... 'cause people on the estate

Spoke to her more than people who had money.

So this mental illness woman on the estate--

And what she used to do--

She acted quite normal.

And she used to always push a pram around with her.

I was like, "she can't have a kid, can she?"

And she was dead happy every day walking up and down the road.

Anyway, one day she had a walk past.

I turned around and looked in the pram.

- It was a bucket with a face on it. - ( ricky, stephen laughing )

Rick, we've had an email here from a bloke.

I think you're gonna respect him,

Because I think you can tell straight away from his name

That he's the kind of guy you'd want to hang out with.

Go on. - I know how much you love fun people.

- Yeah. - Well, paul- - and he's calling himself this--

Paul "the party animal" parker, he's emailed in.

He's given himself that moniker.

Right. I assume they're in quote marks, are they?

They're in speech marks. Paul "the party animal" parker.

And he's called himself that? - Yeah.

I can't-- - when you picture him, what are you thinking?

- Milhouse. - Right, okay.

I think he looks like milhouse from "the simpsons."

- he's working in sort of an I.T. Department?

Ricky: Yeah, probably.

I think he might still be at school.

And this is the final question:

Do you believe him to be a party animal?

I believe him to be a party animal

Inasmuch that a man with a long scarf that his mom knitted him

To look like dr. Who can be a party animal.

Do you think that when people are organizing parties at his school,

They're thinking the first person they've got to get on the list--

To make sure-- - "you've got to take paul 'the party animal.'"

I bet he's got millions of affectations.

I bet he's the one who wants to be known

As the one who carries around a biscuit tin.

He's the guy who only ever wears bowling shoes.

- It's his thing. It's his thing. - ( ricky cackling )

He's a little bit kooky. It's his thing.

And it is fairly interesting what he's sent in.

He's found this on the web--

A serbian man who has invented

A sex machine for women.

He's appealing to western women to test his device.

It runs on a 390-volt electric engine,

Simulates sex and has a 7 1/2" artificial penis.

As soon as I read this, I was thinking--

Just imagine in there going, "oh, thanks for coming in.

So what's gonna happen is there's a penis that's gonna pop out from here

And it's gonna have sex with you.

I'm gonna stand behind the machine. " - ( ricky laughing )

"I'm gonna stand behind here. There's a lot of dials

And stuff that I don't want to bore you with."

Ricky: "why do you stand behind it? " - "it's technical.

I've got to be behind the machine."

"there's no penis at the moment. Just a hole."

"don't worry. What'll happen is

I'll switch the machine on, I'll go behind

And then a penis will appear."

"will it be a metal-looking penis?"

"it will be a robotic penis, but it will seem

Like it's a regular fleshy human penis."

"so you've made this robot penis look really realistic."

"it's really realistic. You will not be able

To tell the difference between the robot one and mine."

"well, I don't want to see yours. " - "no, absolutely not."

"I've not come here to have sex with a person."

"you've come to have sex with a machine. That's what you're gonna get

- With the use of mechanical"- - - ( both laugh )

To a lot of people, sex is important.

Not to you? - Well, it serves a purpose.

what purpose?

You don't want to have kids, so what purpose?

- Just, you know. - Something to do in the evening?

- Summat to do, innit? - When the telly's broke.

But for years, they've found machines

- From, like, roman times. - No.

No machines in roman times.

Like that, though-- the old, sort of knob- on-a-stick machine.

The old roman knob on a stick?

I'm sorry, but I've watched "time team" every week

And tony robinson has never done that--

An knob-on-a-stick machine.

I just think of julius caesar sitting down

And going, "okay, aqueduct, we love that. Thanks for that.

Straight roads? Good idea. We can see the enemy coming."

"well, I've"-- - "glonkticus, what have you got there?

- Wanklicus." - ( stephen laughs )

"what I've got here is a ye olde knob

And I've put that on the end of a stick."

"oh, a stickus phallus? Well done, wanklicus.

Well done. You are my new right-hand man, as they say. Excellent."

But they do do stuff like that.

You've been in the london museum and they've got

Sort of sex stuff from years ago.

They've got these metal pants that they used to wear.

- I don't know what that is! - Metal pants?

- Yeah, a sort of metal-- - a chastity belt, you mean?

They used to make women wear them.

No, but they have them for blokes as well, though.

Metal pants for blokes? Why?

No, I just think they liked sort of sexy metal pants.

I don't know what you mean by sexy metal pants.

Well, we'll have to look, 'cause I haven't got it in front of me.

It's just something I remember seeing- sexy metal pants.