American Dad!

This damn traffic.

We're gonna be late for the Bazooka Sharks game,

and if you don't see the beginning,

the rest of the game doesn't make any sense.

Thanks for agreeing to take me to Urban Outfitters after the game.

It sucks that the closest one is 70 miles away.

I never agreed to that.

I don't even know what that is, some sort of store?

Stan, it's not just a store.

It's a lifestyle, but more than that, it's a store.

They have everything... Polaroid cameras,

suitcase record players, and the flower dress.

Janeane Garofalo wore in "Reality Bites."

It's one-stop shopping if you're looking to go full Garofalo.

Fine. If it'll shut you up, we can go there after the game.

Thanks, Stan.

Some road head to celebrate?

We haven't moved in ages.

You know what our town could use?

One of those bullet trains.

A bullet train?

Yeah, a high-speed bullet train.

Take you from downtown to the Sharks' Nest

at 200 miles per hour.

That is a humdinger of an idea.

You got to take that straight to the mayor.

Okay, let's do it.

I feel good about this... really good.

And not just because I'm on OxyContin,

though that is...

Man: It's kickoff time, Bazooka Shark Fans.

We're missing the game.

Oh, man. So is Sky Crooner.

Aah!

No one even touched their plates.

Guess they're too good for this lovely breakfast brisket.

Aah!

Oh, you like my brisket.

Well, I like you.

Oh, but you have to try it with the sauce and sides.

Here, I'll make you a plate.

This, Mom.

This kind of thing is why you're always getting rabies.

Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule

- to meet with us. - My pleasure.

I, uh, always have time for my constituents.

You really can lower your firearm now.

Of course.

I just find the old skull popper

works better than a bunch of phone calls.

Now, I only have a few minutes,

and then I have to get back to my reelection campaign.

I hear you have an amazing idea for me.

Yes. Well, sorry. I'm a little nervous.

Stan, don't be nervous.

He's the one who looks like a human bullfrog.

But he's also the one we have to impress right now.

And judging by the scowl on his face,

he heard the bullfrog thing.

So take it away, Stan.

Mr. Mayor, this town needs a bullet train.

A bullet train. Huh.

- Guys? - A conservative estimate

for a bullet train is in the billions,

and using a bullet train for intracity travel

makes no sense at all.

Let Stan finish.

I think you'll change your dumb minds

after you hear the presentation

my main man worked all afternoon on.

Here's a rendering of the train proposal

along with environmental impact,

traffic-flow analysis, and other factors.

I drew Batman, too, because I'm really good at drawing Batman.

I humiliated myself.

It's a stupid idea.

No, it's not.

I still believe in the idea.

I still believe in you.

Tell her your idea, Stan.

I think this town should have a bullet train.

A bullet train?

Oh, hon.

That is exactly what this town needs.

I hate that we don't have one of those.

You guys talking bullet train?

Yeah, I-I think it could help with traffic and stuff.

I, for one, dislike traffic,

so this idea is really speaking to me.

Well, it isn't just about traffic.

A bullet train isn't about taking you

from place to another.

A bullet train is about telling people

that this town has arrived.

That's beautiful.

You're beautiful, babe.

Aww.

I'm getting so horny for this bullet train.

Has anyone considered roundabouts?

In Europe, they've alleviated...

We're talking about a train.

Now, I'm not gonna stand up here and say that this train

will solve all of your problems

because you already know it will.

It's so simple, just two stops, downtown to the Sharks' Nest.

This woman right here, she could get to the game fast.

This guy here could also get to the game very fast.

Will the tracks run through Clementine Park?

I hate that place.

It's full of couples having sex in sleeping bags,

and I am sick of watching them as much as I can.

I'm not sure.

That is all I need to hear.

I am all aboard this train idea.

- Chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka... - Whoo-whoo!

- Chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka. - Whoo-whoo!

I have half a mind to ask who that was.

- What do you think? - What the hell is going on?

I've never mentioned it because I'm humble as hell,

but as W. Willard Wartz,

I ran Adlai Stevenson's presidential bids in '52 and '56.

Landslide losses, laughed out of the beltway,

swore off politics forever.

That is until I saw you speak at that diner.

Stan, you're a once-in-a-generation candidate.

You have to run for mayor.

Look at this new sign.

Oops. Old sign. But timeless message.

Me? Run for mayor?

Oh, my God, Stan. That should be your slogan.

"Stan Smith... me run for mayor."

Uh, I don't know, Roger.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Steve, you cannot be seen with those losers during an election.

I got you new friends.

New friends?

If you think I'm going to abandon...

Make sure those dorks don't sneak in through the back.

To the pool!

Let me guess, I'm going to need a new husband

because Jeff's gonna make the campaign look bad.

Jeff is actually polling great with suburban househusbands

and Cajun seniors in the meat-packing industry.

We have to win those demos, or we are screwed.

I'm a pollster now.

And you said calling everyone mon ami was super annoying.

Are you sure a different husband wouldn't poll better?

You know, someone with a big-ass dick

the voters can really get behind?

Isn't this exciting, Stan?

I could be the First Lady.

I've always thought of myself

as the Jackie Kennedy of Langley Falls.

Um, what's with the...

Lamonte? He's my rat.

Oh, hey, Lamonte. So, what do you think, Stanny?

I'm not sure, Roger.

Isn't there more to governing than just building a train?

No, that's the genius of your idea.

The train solves everything.

Unemployment...

everybody can have a job building the train.

Education... ride the rails and learn some hobo wisdom.

Crime... the only thing criminal is not having a bullet train.

Stan, your town needs you.

I'll do it.

Stan Smith is running for mayor.

What do you think, Francine?

Ever done it with a mayor?

I have. Six of them, actually.

Seven if you count the guy in the Mayor McCheese outfit.

You dog.

Dad, you remember James Garfield,

the dead ex-president you cloned?

Of course. Welcome aboard Team Stan, Garfy.

Happy to pitch in.

I do know a thing or two about politics.

I've been a U.S. President, and, also, thanks to Hulu,

I've now seen every episode of "Spin City."

Come on, our campaign ad is about to air.

I hope you like it, because I blew our entire budget on this.

Everyone thinks they know Mayor Alan Woodside.

I got Tom Leykis to do the voice over.

Huge get. Chicks love him.

But how well do we really know him?

That's right.

He's a giant spider, except this spider hates God,

young mothers, and only loves one thing...

masturbating on the American flag.

I'm Stan Smith, and I approve this message.

This is a very savvy ad.

Roger, I'm not sure...

You got to trust me, Stan. Just focus on the debates.

We need to spend all day tomorrow prepping

because the debates are Thursday.

Isn't today Thursday?

If you're right, and I'm beginning to think you are,

I slept 36 hours last night.

I'm Memphis Stormfront, your local weatherman,

and I guess I also do this.