Roseanne - Tenth Season

Dan?

Dan! My knee went out.

I sat down, and I can't get up.

Fire!

Mom, are you okay?

No, I'm stuck on the toilet!

Yo, Top Gun, wake up. Charlie's in trouble.

Mom's yelling "fire" in the bathroom,

and I'm not going in.

Oh.

Dan!

Hello, buttercup.

May I be of service?

Just give a good yank.

Upsy-daisy.

Did you make the appointment for your knee surgery yet?

You know how doctors are, Dan.

They say they can see you in a month,

and then when you tell them

you can't stand the pain any longer,

they say, "We'll see you in a month."

Quit stalling.

We don't have the money, Dan.

And a surgeon is not gonna give it his best shot

when you're paying him with a coffee can full of nickels.

I'm on it.

I'm gonna get the next drywall job,

no matter how low I have to bid.

I wouldn't start the negotiations like that.

I'm gonna cut costs by doing what everybody else is doing.

Don't tell me you're gonna hire illegals.

Hey!

I'm also gonna use substandard materials.

You know, if the union finds out you're hiring those guys,

they're gonna kick you out.

That's a risk I'm gonna have to take.

I'm not gonna stand by and watch you suffer anymore,

and I'm not gonna let you go back to taking too many pain pills.

Well, I don't want you to sacrifice

anything for me, Dan,

'cause that would give you the upper hand,

and that's not how this marriage was built.

"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.

- Oh, thanks, honey. - Mm-hmm.

You know, I didn't think I'd get used to eating heart-smart,

but this turkey bacon isn't bad.

You know what would make it taste better?

If you fed it to a big ol' pig and then ate him.

Hey, morning, Conners!

I brought doughnuts.

- Ooh! - Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Finally, a man bringing me something I really want.

Do you need another wife?

Uh, let's see...

That's another birthday to remember.

I'll ask Anne-Marie, yeah.

She'll be fine with it.

We already decided when you guys die,

we're gonna be old-lady lesbians

that go on bus trips together.

Bus trips?

We left you nothin'!

- Hey, Chuck... - Huh?

Didn't your uncle have hip surgery a while back?

How'd he afford that?

County Hospital.

Well, he actually had both hips done

because they did the wrong one first.

He should've gone to Mexico.

They charge, like, half of what they charge here.

I've heard that.

Yeah.

Oh!

Here's a doctor in Juarez

who only charges a grand for a new knee,

and he'll throw in moving your nipples for free.

Do I have to?

What if I like my nipples where they are?

Doesn't say.

Okay, I'm taking the rest of these down to the union office.

Okay, did you put in our bid on that new condo project yet?

I'm working on it.

So, you're really gonna hire those other guys

instead of Chuck?

He's been your best friend for 30 years.

Thanks for the reminder.

Soccer star coming through!

Hey. How'd you do?

They put me in for one play,

and I accidentally scored a goal for the other team.

The winning goal.

Man, Jackie, Dan is still

talking about going non-union.

You know, he's gonna lose everything he's built.

I got to find another way to pay for this knee.

You have anything you could sell?

We should go through all those old boxes in the basement,

you know, and see if there's anything of value in them.

"We"? You always think that I have nothing to do,

that I'm free to help you whenever you want.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That was rude.

Are you available?

Yes, I am.

But if you'd asked me two weeks from Thursday,

I wouldn't be.

Unless it was the afternoon.

Wake up, Morticia!

Leave me alone.

I didn't get off work until 2:00.

Mom said you weren't making a lot of tips,

so I brought you something that could help.

It's called the "waitress's best friend."

Oh, man, this is perfect.

It's a push-up bra.

It'll make you look anatomically correct.

When do men ever have to do anything like this

to earn a living?

You know, your attitude is part of your problem.

When you see a customer, how do you greet them?

I say, "What do you want?"

That's what you say when a bum touches you.

Look, the kind of guys you're waiting on

are very simple creatures.

All you got to do

is tell them you like something about them.

Like, when a guy orders, say, "That's what I drink."

Look, I really appreciate you trying to help,

but we're very different people.

I'm kind of an introvert, and, um...

I want to get the words right here...

You're an alcoholic tramp.

Why do we have to be hurtful?

All I'm trying to say is you're not an appealing person.

You will have to flirt...

And probably a lot...

To take care of your kids.

I didn't even flirt to have my kids.

I just said, "What do you want?"

Hey, look at this.

I found Nana Mary's favorite hat.

Look at that.

Talk about passing down something that everybody can use.

Oh, Jackie, look!

I found Magdalena.

Oh, my God.

You know how many years it took me

to get over Mom treating that evil, glassy-eyed demon

better than us?

Yeah, you sound like you're over it.

Yeah. Oh, she wouldn't let us play with it,

wouldn't let us touch it.

"Oh, don't touch her hair."

I'm gonna brush her hair right now.

No! Don't!

Don't do anything to her

'til we find out if she's worth any money.

Mom said she was a Kestner.

"This is my Kestner. Isn't my Kestner precious?"

No, she isn't!

Oh, my God, Roseanne!

She's worth $5,000.

Oh, wow.

Mom's right... She is worth more

than both of us put together.

Yeah, but that's not what you whisper to your kids

when you're tucking them in.

I think we should take her down

and try to sell her at that antique mall.

This little nightmare might pay for my knee.

Roseanne, it's a diary.

This must be Mom's.

Eugh.

"Dear Diary, today my wonderful mommy

brushed my hair with my special brush."

This is Magdalena's diary!

- Eww! - Ohhh!

Hey, do you know if it's still raining out?

I don't know. I'm stuck in this windowless prison, like you.

Oh, wait, um...

I like...

something about you.

I'll... I'll have it when I get back.

Before you go, I'll have a sloe gin fizz.

Oh. Yeah, that's a great order.

That's exactly what I drink.

Been drinking it since I was a kid.

Hey, don't run away.

We've been trying to get one of you girls all night.

What can I get you?

Uh, six shots of Jameson, 12 Coors Lights.

Oh, great order. That's exactly what I drink.

Well, bring an extra one for you.

And, uh, how about a kiss for good luck?

I'm not gonna kiss you.

'Cause it'd be too darn hard to stop!

Can I borrow a clean bar rag?

You know, Kestners

are amongst the most highly sought-after dolls of the '20s.

And it looks like, from the condition,

she's been cared for by someone