Kevin Hart: What Now?

The stakes are high

And the world hangs in the balance

He's a man

And, oh, what a man Of many talents

If the sky starts to fall There's no one bigger

With his finger on the trigger

He's the man with the plan

The one with the gun Kevin

Nothing can stop him

The spy in disguise

With his eye on the prize Hart

He's taking over the world

Agent Five-Four

Stronger than Thor Kevin

Kevin fears nothing Hart

With a license to kill

And jokes that are ill Kevin

He's taking over the world

Come through, Kevin

Kevin

He's the one that you call

If your back's at the wall Hart

Agent Five-Four Kevin

The guy that prevails

On a whole global scale Kevin

He's taking over the world Kevin Hart

(SCREAMING) Kevin!

You're late.

Better late than never.

Do you have the package?

Of course, I have the package, Kevin.

Don't I always have the package?

No, you don't.

Which is why I'm asking you, "Do you have the package?"

When was the last time I didn't have the package?

You didn't have the package in Guam.

Guam? Yes, Guam.

Why you gonna bring up Guam?

I'm answering a question that you asked me.

What are you talking about? You just... (VOCALIZING) What are you saying?

You didn't have the package in Guam, which is why I asked you,

"Did you have the package?" Yes, I got the package.

So if you had said that when I first asked you,

then we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

Guam is over.

I know! I'm not thinking about Guam!

We at another place, another time. Let's go.

All you ever talk about is Guam.

Don't storm past me! Fuck Guam.

Same shit you did in Guam! Guam all over again!

Okay, listen.

You walking away is not gonna change

the point that I'm trying to make.

Okay, I forgot something one time! Just one time!

Okay, so did you forget it? One time.

Okay, so that validates what I'm saying... Mr. Hart.

Do you have your buy-in money?

Of course. Here it is.

Thank you.

Let's cut the shit.

Put your game face on, 'cause there's our guy.

Girl, if you don't grab my arm...

Grab my arm.

Good evening. How are you?

And you must be LeBron's little replacement.

Yes?

Welcome to the game, Mr...

Hart.

The name is Kevin Hart.

Or maybe it's Mr. Bond, huh?

It's a little confusing. He's so little.

What? What? What'd he say?

Okay, Kevin. Kevin. What did you say?

Don't let him get you off your game. Okay?

Come on now. Good luck.

Luck is for people who are inadequate...

Okay, Kevin, not now.

Okay. Right. Not now.

Go do it.

Whiskey, please.

Coming right up.

There you are.

I only ordered one.

Oh, I know.

The game is no-limit poker.

Five communal cards. Two in the hole.

I'm sorry, what? Two cards in the hole.

No, nothing's going in my hole.

I don't know what game this is,

but we're not gonna play it today.

No, sir. What I'm going to do, I'm going to put out five cards

and then I will later pull out two more.

Oh! Oh.

Okay, well, talk slower.

Minimum stake is $1 million.

Lines begin at $5,000 and $10,000.

This game is winner take all.

There are no prizes for second place.

Good luck to you all.

It's a shame you gotta drink alone tonight.

I said, it's a shame you gotta drink alone tonight.

I heard you.

I bet $50,000.

I fold.

$50,000 to you, Mr. Hart.

$100,000.

$100,000? You serious? You haven't even looked at your cards.

I don't need to look at my cards.

I see right through you, and you know what I see?

I see someone who doesn't have shit.

What does he have that I don't have?

Everything.

Look at him. He's super intelligent.

What are these? Five.

Five? Okay, so let me count this out.

Five, 10. What are the black?

You don't need black. You have these big blue ones.

He's charming.

Why wouldn't you use two blue ones?

I don't understand, it's the same.

For some reason, I thought that me and him were in a hand.

You little sawed-off...

He's charismatic.

Fuck, you all took my iPhone when I came in.

You don't have to do math. Just put another blue one on top of them.

I gotta start over.

Every time you all talk to me, I gotta start over again.

You know what?

I see your point. I see your point.

And everything on him isn't small.

Sir, if you wanna talk to me, I'm right here.

"How did this idiot get in here," you say?

Enough!

What the fuck was that? Is that your mouth?

Oh, my God, you just threw a bucket of shit at my face just now.

I smelled that. Nobody else smelled that?

Well, it smelled like you just threw shit at my nose,

that's what it smelled like.

Baby, baby. Yes?

You look thirsty. What can I get you to drink, baby?

You know what? I'll take a martini. Shaken, not stirred.

If I could have three ice cubes, shave the last,

put Tabasco sauce on top, but just a little bit...

Okay, I ain't gonna remember all that shit. Now what you want?

Whatever. Whatever you are gonna be getting.

Okay.

Okay? Got it? Okay.

Tell him, don't put it in a sippy cup.

One Kevin Hartini coming right up.

No, just give him a beer.

Here you are, Mr. Hart.

Thank you.

Hey, Kev?

It's on you. So like, bet, check, fold...

Well aware of the poker rules, Mr. Cheadle.

You should fucking do something.

Can I have a second, please?

Go ahead.

Where's it at? Who's it on?

It's on you. So you can check, bet, or fold.

Pick one and fucking do it.

I see what's going on here.

Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a case of

"I don't have enough money to call a bet."

I can afford the next hand.

Obviously, I'm sitting here with chips.

She got money, this motherfucker got money.

Everybody got money, Kevin.

It's that you're irritating the fuck out of me

'cause you're not doing anything.

What happened, Don?

Daddy's tank ran dry? What are you talking about?

Chickens ain't clucking? Cows ain't mooing?

Have you lost your fucking mind, Kevin?

Oh, I know what it is. There's been a vacancy at Hotel Rwanda.

Ain't nobody booking them suites.

Are you talking about a movie now, Kevin?

You know what you're mad at?

'Cause you looked at your hand and there's nothing but a House of Lies.

You're referring to the show? That was a good one.

No, most people say House of Cards and they mean House of Lies.

I didn't. No, you did that good. Now fucking bet!

"My name's Don Cheadle and I'm mad because I'm not Iron Man.

"I'm the black Iron Man, and I'm rusty." Stop talking, man.

"I squeak when I go." Take it easy.

All right, you're not making fucking sense, Kevin,

and I'ma punch you in the face.

I'ma make all of that bleed

if you don't goddamn well do something right now!

Do something! Raise.

Whoa! No, no, no, I didn't raise.

That was obvious, I made a mistake. Don't!

Hey, you cannot touch this pot, sir. I'm fucking touching the pot!

These are my chips! Are you motherfuckers in cahoots?

I call. I call that.

Oh, you call that? You know what I call? I call that.

You know what I call?

What you doing? Grab him!

Okay! Okay!

I'm gonna kill you, Kevin! Get your ass up outta here.