Two and a Half Men

Never mix tequila and scotch.

Morning, Uncle Charlie.

Hey, Jake boy.

Dad said you'd never get up to go to soccer with me

but I said, yuh-huh, he promised.

So, he was wrong. Ha ha.

Yeah. Ha ha.

Wait. What?

Uh, you know, most of the parents wear shorts

and lots of sun screen but that's another way to go.

Alan, I can't go to a soccer game.

I just got home from Vegas.

You went out last night to return a video.

Yeah, but I ran into a friend of mine

who was getting married at the Bellagio.

That explains the tuxedo.

No, I think this was for something else entirely.

Well, I'm sure I'll read about it in the paper.

Anyway, I'm the soccer Snack Buddy this week

so I got to stop at the grocery store.

Why don't you ride to the game with Jake

when the van gets here, huh?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I go upstairs and throw up

and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours.

Fine. But if you're not going to come

you got to tell Jake yourself.

Fine.

He'll understand.

Hey, Jake.

I got new cleats.

Nice.

Uh, listen, Jake, buddy...

have you ever been to Vegas?

So you're the infamous Uncle Charlie.

I've heard about you.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

Everybody out!

Watch your head! One at a time!

So, here's the deal, Uncle Charlie.

I find you attractive.

I have three kids, a bastard of an ex-husband,

I work 50 hours a week running my own travel agency,

I'm at the peak of my sexuality,

and I have a three hour window Wednesday nights

when the kids are at Tae Kwon Do.

Are you in or out?

I'm sorry.

I-I'm terminally hung over

and I just took a cleat in the groin.

E-mail me.

All Aboard Gloria at AOL dot com.

So, which one's yours?

Oh, please don't make me talk.

This is Charlie Harper. Alan Harper's brother.

( crows cheering and whistle blowing )

So, who's winning?

No one. We don't keep score.

We think it's healthier

if the kids just play for fun.

You're yanking me, right?

Yes, Judith warned us that you were a pistol.

By the way, we were so sorry to hear about her and Alan.

So tell us, is it true?

Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?

Why don't you ask Judith?

We wouldn't want to pry.

Ladies, if you'll excuse me, I have to go, 'cause...

oh hell, I don't need a reason.

Well, somebody's a little full of himself.

Forget him. His brother's the one who's in play.

How's Jake doing?

Jake's fine. He's ten.

He's got his whole life ahead of him.

Me, on the other hand,

I'm sitting in the hot sun in rented pants

listening to myself blink.

I'll ask somebody else.

What?

Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing,

and you just look so...

pathetic.

Really? The guy at the tux shop said I looked dashing.

Of course,

that was yesterday.

And I found his phone number in my pocket.

What was the occasion?

Just returning a video.

Charlie Harper.

Kate McLaughlin.

Let me ask you something, Kate McLaughlin.

What's your take on this whole no keeping score thing?

I think it's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Can I stay here next to you where it's safe?

Sure.

So, which one's yours?

Number nine, but I'm not the father.

Well, aren't you a good sport.

Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed.

No one won, no one lost.

Yeah, except for us. 12 to 2.

Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose.

It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Thank you, Charlie.

Jake, go take a shower.

Charlie, we're trying to teach the kids not to keep score.

You should have thought of that before you taught them to count.

By the way,

what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?

I don't know. Why?

I made a play date for him

with one of the kids from the game.

You're hitting on the mother, aren't you?

Can't slip one past you, can I?

That's not what a play date is for.

What? The kid plays, I have a date.

Everybody wins.

Everybody wins?

Yes.

But I promise not to keep score.

Charlie, you can not use my son to pick up single mothers.

Ah, but I can.

Good night, Snack Buddy.

No going in the water, no throwing rocks,

and remember, if you can't see us, we can't see you.

Is there anything you'd like to add, Charlie?

Why can't they throw rocks?

Go.

Ernie loves the beach.

Thanks for inviting him.

Hey, anything for the kids.

They're our future.

So, where's Alan?

I sent him to the movies.

He deserves a break now and then,

and I get some quality uncle time with Jake.

I think that is really nice of...

Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes!

I'm sorry, where was I?

You were saying I was nice about something.

So, how long you been living

in Sherman Oaks?

Oh, gosh, we moved there in...

Ernie, put that down, it's dead.

I swear, that kid will pick up anything,

no matter what it looks like.

Been there.

Anyway, we moved in just in time for the earthquake...

Ernie, I'm not going to say it again,

put the dead thing down!

Jake, you should probably put your dead thing down, too.

Kids, huh?

I know, they're just...

Ernie, put it down or we're leaving right now.

I'm counting to three.

One...

two...

Ernie, for God's sake, you're killing me here.

Thank you.

No problem.

So, did you grow up in L.A.?

No. My dad was in the army so we moved around...

Oh, hell, that thing's not dead.

Charlie, I would really like to get to know you

but it is not going to happen on a play date.

Why don't you ask me out some time?

You know that's a real...

Are you happy?! Are you happy?!

You had to pick it up again.

Had to pick it up, didn't you.

I told you to put it down, Ernie.

So what night's good for you?

Jake, don't pick it up.

You saw what it did to Ernie.

Don't wait up.

Back to Vegas?

Even better. Sherman Oaks.

The gateway to Van Nuys.

Kate again?

Charlie, you have no clue what you're getting involved in

with these divorced soccer moms.

You're right, I don't have a clue.

I've never had a clue. It's part of my charm.

Well, at least keep in mind

that all these women talk to each other.

So anything you do will eventually get back to my wife

and somehow become my fault.

That doesn't seem fair.

Oh, well.

So, where are you going?

I volunteered to help Gloria

with the soccer league newsletter.

I'm thinking of calling it "Just For Kicks."

Wait a minute, this is the same Gloria who drives the kid van?

Yeah. Why?

Nothing. Have fun.

Talk about not having a clue.

And I designed a logo.

The "K" in Kicks