Family Guy

Is it me, or does David Ortiz

look just like the mom on Good Times?

- Oh, Peter, that's racist. - Well, no. Look.

I take it back.

That's not racist. That's just accurate.

Hey, guys, guess who's got the keys

to a speedboat just sitting down at the station?

How'd you get a speedboat?

Well, it's a funny story.

That was a funny story.

Especially the funny part.

You really delivered on your promise.

All right, who's up for waterskiing?!

- Hell yeah! - All right!

Yeah, let's do it!

Oh, that sounds amazing! I love boats.

Boats are my thing.

Anything to get out on the open water, enjoy the salt air.

Oh, they're already gone.

No, you didn't widen enough.

But you still can't come.

Good evening, Quahog. Just parking. Be there in a sec.

Our top story:

Authorities have uncovered a mob-run prescription drug ring

targeting Goldman's Pharmacy.

The scam involved fraudulent prescriptions

submitted for dead people.

Pharmacist Mort Goldman failed to report

to authorities for questioning.

A $10,000 bounty has been offered for his return.

$10,000? That's a lot of money.

Could be our money, Brian.

We could find Mort. Easily.

Besides, we haven't done anything together

since our confusing two-host talk show.

So, Chris Pratt, I hear you have a new movie out.

So, Chris, you're from Seattle?

Chris, what was it like working with Amy Poehler?

Hey, Chris, anything you can tell us about Guardians 3?

- Chris! Chris! - Chris! Chris!

- Chris Pratt, always a pleasure. - Well, that's all the time

- we have with Chris Pratt. - Take it away,

- multiracial modern band! - Retro swing guys!

Guests of

- The Stewie Griffin Show stay - The Brian Griffin Show stay

- at the Essex House. - At the W Times Square.

Waterskiing!

- All right! - Water-sitting!

You got to cut to the right.

No, no, it's counterintuitive. You got to cut left.

I know how to drive.

Stop looking at us!

Ugh! Maybe we won't be going waterskiing today.

Shut up, Joe.

Hey, you want some help? I do this all the time.

Get back in your car with your wife!

When you're going backwards, everything's the opposite.

Oh, really? Thanks, driving instructor.

I feel like everyone watching knows

I'm incapable of pleasing my wife sexually.

Now cut the wheel. Cut the wheel!

No, the other way!

Ah, hell, we're gonna be on the Internet.

You know what? Screw it.

Let's boat!

Cleveland, aren't you waterskiing?

- I don't like getting wet. - Oh, come on.

What's the worst that could happen?

Mort must have panicked after the pharmacy bust and fled town.

If we're gonna collect our ten grand,

we need to figure out where he went.

Crap. His computer is password-protected.

Um, try "Such heat this day."

Nope.

How about "This fish is cold, I want a refund"?

No.

"But I lost the receipt."

Bingo.

Aha!

A confirmed plane ticket to Boca Raton.

Looks like we're going to Florida.

They must have figured out where the pharmacist is.

We got to get to him first.

We're going to Florida, too.

I know the answer is no, but is there any chance

there's time for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter?

Tony, what if the answer is a resounding yes?

Oh!

What the hell?

Oh. Oh, God!

Oh, my God! That shark's attacking Quagmire!

I think it's got him by the wiener!

Man, that guy can get anyone to do that to him.

- Quagmire, are you okay? - Do I look okay?!

I think you'll be fine.

You just got to wipe that squashed tomato off your crotch.

Oh, my God! Quagmire lost his penis!

All right, we got to let all the other boats know.

What is it again?

White flag for "friendly,"

black for "not friendly," blue flag for "penis loss"?

Oh, man, that sucks.

Doc, give it to us straight. What's going on with our friend?

Well, Mr. Griffin, there's no easy way to put this,

so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

- He's black. - Not that friend. Quagmire.

Oh, him. Well, Mr. Quagmire,

you've had quite the nasty shark attack.

Luckily, you'll be okay.

But you're going to have to learn to live without a penis.

Or will you?

Oh, what's this?

Is it... your penis?

Nah, I'm just foolin'.

I play that with my penis-less patients to lighten the mood.

Liev Schreiber gets a big kick out of it.

Doc, do you know who you're talking to?

- That penis was my whole life! - It's not so bad.

At least you're not this pathetic guy

who couldn't get his boat in the water.

Have you seen this?

You should take his wiener. He's clearly not using it.

Stop looking at us!

Ah, that... that does... that does make me feel better.

- What are we doing here? - This is Pitbull's house.

He knows everything about South Florida.

He can help us find Mort.

Doorbell, doorbell,

doorbell, ring.

It's my house.

Esta mi casa.

Wow. Imagine kind of knowing two languages.

Hang on. I'm in the middle of writing a song.

That's a hit.

What can I do for you, my friends amigos?

I told you. This guy's the real deal.

We're looking for a friend who's hiding out down here.

He's a Jewish pharmacist from Rhode Island.

- Coral Palm Motel. - Told you.

And here's Pitbull with his newest hit,

"Tingta Tongka Te Tong Tong Tink."

Adios good-bye, amigo friends.

I got to go get paid to scream "Make some noise!" in Vegas.

I think I hear Mort in the bathroom.

Come on, urine, you can do this!

It's just like your toilet at home. Please!

It's been five days now. Why won't you just cooperate?!

Is someone out there?

Housekeeping!

Oh, come on in. I'm just urinating.

Tinkle, tinkle, splash, splash, swoosh. Yeah, look at...

Oh, boy, what a healthy stream!

Will it ever end?

What are you guys doing here?

We're taking you back to Quahog to collect our reward.

Oh, no, I can't go back there!

The mob will kill me!

- Ha! - What?

A shark bit Quagmire's penis off.

Ha.

I can't believe it. This is horrible.

- What am I gonna do? - Come on, now.

Keep that enormous chin up, Glenn.

There's lots you can do.

You could devote your life to Christ,

or become a eunuch.

Cleveland, why don't you sit this one out?

Listen, Quagmire, I got just the way

for you to embrace your new life without a penis.

I've had this computer blocked

so you can discover all the other exciting things

- on the Internet besides porn. - Like what?

Well, uh, there's, uh...

I like to research birds. Try to learn a bird a day.

Well, not that necessarily, but, uh...

You got your robin.

Wow, you really know your stuff, Joe.

- Your swallow. - Swallow?

Uh, actually this is what we're trying to avoid.

You got your titmouse.

Damn it, Joe, stop with the sex birds!

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, guys,

but this is a disaster.

You don't understand what that penis meant to me.

We did everything together.

Absolutely everything.

"As she tenderly unlaced her silken corset,

Jennifer shuddered in anticipation of...

the sensual night ahead."

This is not good.

As soon as I'm back in Quahog,

- the mob is gonna kill me! - I don't care.

We're getting the hell out of Florida.

Florida. Which, interesting trivia,

was the name of the mom in Good Times

played by David Ortiz.

Uh-oh, looks like the mob knew we were coming.

It's him! Get him!

Oh, no! We're done for!

No, we're not. I'm the fastest Jew in the world.