Daphne

Right, right.

Do you have a list permit?

No, no.

Guess what? I heard about Nikki.

Nikki, do I know Nikki?

Yeah, from school.

Oh, one boob much smaller than the other.

Yeah, right, tiny tit, Nikki, exactly.

Yeah, well, her husband's quite touchy feely, right?

How did you know all this?

'Cause I spoke to her a couple weeks ago.

Do you not speak to her any more?

Yeah.

Why don't you come on Friday?

The girls do genuinely want to see you.

They always ask about you.

Yeah, and I want to see them, too.

- Really? Do you though? - Yeah, of course I do.

I've sort of given up on people, haven't I?

I've told you that, like, a million times.

Sorry, I'm being a bitch.

Yeah, you're being a bitch.

So, this is amazing in every respect.

Should we go to your place or...

It's your place or no place, Jimbo.

Awesome, but, awkward, my name's not Jim...

- Shh. - I mean, it can be.

Make it so, Jimbo. Make it so.

No, what are you doing?

No. It's just for, you know, for the lads in the...

Oh, you're such a penis, I can't...

So what he says, for the lads.

- What am I doing? - Fucking great. Cheers.

- Five on serving, Daph, okay? - Yup.

- Come on. - Yup.

Service, please. Service, please.

Table two instead of one.

A bun.

Wait, wait, wait.

Daph, come on, for fuck's sake, fix it, will ya?

- Yeah. - Come on.

We need service. Thank you. Table one.

- Oh. - Table three, thank you.

Come on, hustle up, please. Service, please.

How's it going? You coming with that? Come on.

Is it ready?

You happy with that?

Five, please.

Daph, going to The Specials you and Beth are in charge, okay?

Consider me the manager.

- Where's our pitcher? - Come on, oh, oops.

- Ah, so close. - No, no, no, no, no.

- Unplug. - I'm coming out.

Good night.

One, two, oh!

All right, fancy pants.

Are you coming out with us tonight?

Nah, I'm just... I'm gonna head in and have a quiet one.

Been caning a bit lately.

Oh, I lost my jacket.

It's the one I just got.

Oh, shit bags. You looked wealth in it.

I know. Oh, well, it was good while it lasted.

All right, chica, I'll see you later.

- Have fun. - We will.

Here you go, Francis.

What have you done with your hair?

Don't over react. I didn't mean it like that.

What are you doing here?

Charming way to greet your mother.

I meant to say what a lovely surprise.

- No, you didn't. - No, I didn't.

Well, can I come in or are we going

to stand here like lemons?

Like lemons, preferably.

Right.

Here, I bought you a present.

It's a mindfulness CD.

This week mindfulness, last week was it naked yoga?

What's next week gonna be, Mother?

Will you just open the bloody door?

What I don't understand is,

why couldn't you just phone first

like a normal human being?

What, so you can just ignore the phone?

Yeah.

Jesus, why is nothing ever simple to you?

Since you were little, exactly the same.

No, no, no, no.

God, it's hot in here.

I don't wanna go.

Look, you're coming. I don't care.

You've gotta stop this.

The heating's not on. Anyway, Mom, I gotta go.

Fuck off, will you, Daphne, I am boiling.

- Okay, Mom, I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

Just send me a cab.

Oh, don't worry, mate.

Hello, Scratch.

What's that?

No, don't I got balls?

I keep turning and turning you.

Yeah, can you, um, can you ask the chef

to make sure that he uses fresh chilies in that Saag Aloo.

I'm not picky.

Yeah.

Ah, it's fine. I'm not in a rush.

Hey, alecbah, God is great.

- You're amazing. - Yeah, you know, I'm not Muslim.

- Yeah, I know. - Whatever.

This isn't enough.

It's like two quid short I'm good for it.

I'll screw you next time. Thanks, dude.

Donut.

- Beth, you're in charge, okay? - Chef.

- Daph, follow me. - I'm busy.

Move your arse.

Banon, you cheesy little bitch.

Oh, yeah, yup.

Okay.

Here we go.

Please.

Holy shit.

What do you taste?

- Mmm, the vinegar. - Mm-hmm.

- And the fruit brandy, of course. - Mm-hmm.

Anything else?

Mm, yeah, walnuts?

Walnuts?

Oh, come on now, fucking listen to your palate.

Don't just guess.

Fuck me.

Do you know how many air miles it takes to fly this in every week?

I'm adding to the ruin of the world for cheese.

- Worth it though, isn't it? - Correct.

If you mean yes, just say yes. Don't be a twat.

That's what I meant, yes, correct, shut up.

Hey, Joe, do you remember when I asked if I could

maybe... you know?

What, babe, become a sous?

Think you're ready?

I mean, it's a massive responsibility.

Do you know what it actually means?

How it'll ruin your life.

Hey, listen, I should get back and finish my mis, yeah.

Healthy cynicism and neurotic cynicism are, like, different.

And which one might you be? Wait, wait, let me guess.

The reason I mentioned it is because you were kind enough

to offer me some of your gak, and then whenever I do coke,

I always think about Freud, and then whenever I think about Freud

I always think about love, and you know what Freud's definition of love was?

I haven't got a clue, darling, what is Freud's definition of love? Enlighten me.

Freud's definition of love is, um...

Oh, what was it?

Oh, the psychosis of ordinary people.

People like you, Tommy.

Mmm.

It's a sickness.

You feel sick to the stomach when it starts,

and then you feel even sicker

and it's even longer when it ends, and then, that's called love.

That's what we all want. It's fucked.

- You talk a lot, don't you? - No, I don't.

So, what, are you gonna fall in love tonight then? Strangers in London.

Oh, what you mean? We're gonna fuck.

Yeah, maybe, but what we're not gonna do is fall in love, so...

So you don't believe in love, that's fucking awesome.

Up up up up.

- Come on. - Don't. Fuck off.

- Get up. - What the fuck are you doing?

Get up.

I'll just pee in your mouth.

Excuse me, where's any mini cabs around here?

Down that street.

Okay, all right, can I also grab some rolling backy?

Just whatever's your cheapest really.

And some paracetamol.

Oh, fuck. Thank you.

- That will be four... - Yeah.

Open the till, man. Don't move.

Don't fucking move, man. Open that fucking till!

I promise I will fucking stab you up, man.

I ain't playing fair, man. Get a fucking move on.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

You can give me your money, oh, come on, come on now.

What the fuck is that? That's fucking roll over.

My mom gave it to me.

Oh, my... my mom gave...

What the fuck is wrong with the both of you man?

What... what I've got a pair of fucking dummies, have I?

Huh? Give me the money. Do you understand English?

You fucking muppet.

Fuck. Oh, Jesus, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Yeah, ambulance. Yeah, someone's been stabbed.

Near the... near the Hilton on Tilly Street.

Yeah, yeah, I'll stay on the line.

Oh, fuck.

- What's your name? - It's Amir. My family.

- Oh, boy, what is it, what... - Pict...