Mom

- Okay, my turn. - ‭Mm.

1985.

Oh, wow, let's see: Bankruptcy, divorce,

massive amounts of cocaine.

Mm.

You?

Um, My Little Pony,

training wheels,

and massive amounts of Cap'n Crunch.

I love this game.

Really?

I hate it.

Too bad. Your turn.

Okay, '96.

Oh, yeah, I don't want to play anymore.

No, no, no, no, let's hear it.

Okay.

Might end this dinner real quick, but 1996.

Stripper, alcoholic,

and got evicted from a tent.

I knew there was something about you I liked.

Oh, that's what did it?

Mm, I like that you went from that, to this.

Really?

Christy, you're an amazing woman.

Thank you.

I think you're an amazing man.

Thank you.

Another Cabernet and iced tea?

Oh, I'm-I'm fine.

We're good.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm your daughter.

Let's find out.

Yup.

The 'gator's right there.

Get him! Get him!

- (Gunshot) - Yes!

Now you're a pair of shoes and 300 belts,

you mean son of a bitch.

Hey... ooh!

How you doin' there, Colonel?

What?

Oh, I didn't think you were coming back.

So this is your big night, huh?

Bleaching your mustache, eating a tub of chicken,

and watching Swamp People.

I'm a simple woman with simple needs.

What are you doing here? Why aren't you banging the old guy?

It's called being a lady.

It was your third date.

You need to close the deal while he's still competent enough

to write his family out of the will.

That's awful.

No, no, chicken's for closers.

Stop it!

Didn't you just have dinner?

Oh, it was date-eating.

I'm starving.

You know what that tells me.

That tells me old Freddy's doable.

He's completely doable.

It's just a weird situation.

Why? 'Cause he's the father of the woman

who's about to marry your ex-husband?

They do that every week on Swamp People.

I was trying to rise above that.

The man owns five car dealerships.

Cut the lady crap and consummate.

You know, most mothers would say wait till you fall in love.

Oh, please, most mothers are chumps.

Oh...

This can't be good.

Who's there?

It's Candace.

Go for the knees.

I hate you.

What are you doing here?

It's 2:00 in the morning.

: What are you doing...

With my Daddy?

Please tell me you didn't drive here like this.

Ugh, I Uber'ed.

Wait a minute, I gotta give him a rating.

Five stars.

You get no stars.

Come inside.

No stars!

Sit down.

You want to make her some coffee?

You want to keep her awake?

I think we should hit her over the head with the bat.

Candace, listen to me.

I'm not dating your father to hurt you.

I really like him.

You think you're so special, don't you?

But you don't know.

He goes through women just like...

Like...

Kleenex?

No.

Underwear?

No.

Potato chips?

No!

Kleenex!

I said Kleenex!

You're gonna go out with him for a couple weeks.

Get some fancy dinners, have some presents,

and then he's just gonna be on to the next girl.

So, why are you so upset about this?

'Cause it's you.

It's just, like, you're getting all the attention

from him that I never got.

Candace, you are worrying for nothing.

Really?

Yeah.

I promise you I'll make sure your Daddy showers you

with... love and attention

right after I become your new Mommy.

I didn't need a bat.

Relax.

I got it.

Where is she?

Your princess awaits.

Thanks for letting her sleep it off.

I didn't let her do anything.

She called me a whore, threw up and passed out.

Sorry, she's just real upset about you and her Dad.

Yeah, I got that from the whore thing.

Hey, Baxter, welcome to the rest of your life.

Christy,

I'm gonna take one last shot at this.

Please stop seeing Fred.

No.

I like him, and I really think this could be something.

Oh, man, you slept with him already.

No!

I mean, uh, none of your business.

But no.

You buying this?

Sadly, yes.

Turns out without vodka and cocaine, she's a Mormon.

Well, I'm glad we met when we did.

Baxter.

What did you do to her?

Hey, Bonnie wanted to shave off her eyebrows.

What an incredible view.

I agree.

Okay, I gotta tell you, that works.

It shouldn't.

It's really corny, but it totally works.

How about this?

That works, too.

Um, can you excuse me for a minute?

I need to go freshen up.

Right down the hall.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, Fred? - Yeah?

I'm really not going to the bathroom.

I'm gonna call my sponsor in AA

and ask her if I should sleep with you.

I'd be happy to supply a list of references.

That's okay.

Fingers crossed.

Marjorie?

It's-it's me, Christy.

Oh, hey, Christy. What's going on?

I need some advice.

Please do not tell my mother I called you.

I will not.

What's up?

I'm on a date with Fred, and I think this is the night

where we, you know...

I get it, you're calling me from the bathroom.

Tell her to close the deal.

I'm just not sure

if I'm doing it for the right reason.

I mean, part of me wants to punish Candace,

but another part of me really likes this guy.

Well, what works for me when I'm in doubt

is to just do nothing...

...until I'm absolutely sure.

I swear, I will kill you, old woman.

I'm so glad I called you.

You always get me right back on track.

You're welcome, sweetie.

Let's talk tomorrow.

Do you not see the big picture here?

What, that you're pimping out your daughter?

Ah, so you do see it.

Okay,

not tonight.

Definitely not tonight.

Is it appropriate for me to send your sponsor a gift basket?

That's nice.

She'd like that.

I know I usually sit here and complain about my life.

Not today.

Today my life couldn't be better.