2 Broke Girls

Excuse me, ma'am?

Ma'am?

Well, it happened.

I'm gonna hit a kid.

Would you like to support my baseball league

for underprivileged youth?

I don't see an underprivileged youth.

I see a young me trying to scam an old me.

Sir?

I'm sorry, I have diabetes.

And I'm not stupid.

Move it along.

It's not a scam!

My friends and I just want to place

to play baseball after school

so we're not hanging on the streets like rap people.

Kid, I started the candy scam.

I raised $500 for a homeless bowling league,

AKA pot.

Catch this, Mr. Baseball.

Not the face!

I think I know which team you play on,

and it ain't baseball.

You still shopping on your phone for things you can't afford?

Who are you? Everyone in America?

I just add things to my cart without buying them.

Why not buy one Apple watch when I can not buy two?

It's called dry shopping.

So it's like dry humping, but you don't get anything?

I'm sorry, Max,

but tomorrow's the anniversary of when I lost my money

and my peaches-and-cream complexion.

Not my words; "Seventeen" magazine's.

I need a fantasy life.

I mean, I just thought you were over all that junk.

You thought I was "over" losing $5 billion

and my whole life?

Oh.

I guess I was just over you

talking about it all the time.

You need to let go of your past.

Pickup! Turkey burger... ish.

If you weren't so busy not buying a...

three-bedroom townhouse on the Upper East Side,

you would've noticed that Mr. Turkey Burger at table ten's

been checking out your buns.

He is not. He is?

Get in there.

Sex is still free...

For women.

Fine, I'll go over there,

but this better not be a prank,

like when you told me Bette Midler was at table three

and really wanted to meet me.

It was just some old Jewish lady,

and she was mean.

That was Bette Midler!

Here's your turkey burger.

My friend thinks you're flirting with me,

and you're obviously not,

so if you could just tell her you're not,

that'd be great.

Okay.

I will tell her I am not flirting with you...

on one condition.

You go see a show with me tomorrow.

I feel tricked.

So... is that a yes?

I hope so,

because I already wrote down my number.

Um... yeah, sure.

I mean, if it's already written down,

I guess I have to go.

I can't believe I didn't notice he was flirting.

What's wrong with me?

Let me get my list.

Hi, everybody!

Good news!

Oleg and I are getting a surrogate

to carry our baby.

Yeah, doing it the other way was taking longer

than my stuttering uncle did to finish his s-s-s-sentence.

Sophie, I hope you're not thinking of me

to be your surrogate.

Just keep in mind,

you won't even let me carry your purse.

You think I'd hire a surrogate that's older than me?

Come on. No.

Max is helping me interview people

this week in my booth.

This is so exciting.

I wish I got to pick the person I grew inside.

My mom drank so much during her pregnancy,

I was born wearing a shirt that says,

"It's 5:00 somewhere."

Can we all just admit vaping is smoking?

Anyway, I'm on the list for whatever this is.

Channing, Caroline.

There you are. The show's $20.

My date put me on the list.

I'm sure he paid for me.

He kind of pursued me pretty hard.

It is, again, a date.

Well, then you're dating a loser...

and you owe me 20 bucks.

What am I spending my last $20 on right now?

It's a storytelling show.

People telling their personal stories.

It's basically a fun way to find out

which one of your friends had a stepfather

that was so mean.

In lieu of cash, would you accept a tampon?

I have light, regular, super.

Everything you don't feel on your period.

There is nothing funny about my cramps.

I don't get out of bed three days a month.

I'll go call a friend.

So by now I was in high school.

But just when I thought I'd escaped my bullies,

I met the worst one yet: puberty.

Oh, god.

Thanks for bringing the $20, Max,

and sorry you had to spend another $20.

It figures, on the anniversary of my father stealing money,

I get ripped off by another guy.

Well, I'm getting that $40 back.

I spent more money tonight than I did in 2013.

It was a high school dance,

and Rachel Mooney, a popular girl,

pulled down my pants.

That's right.

I got dance-pantsed.

Oh, this guy just went from Tom Cruise

to Tom Snooze.

In the end, what I learned

is that I'm the painter of my life,

and I can paint out what I don't want to see.

My brushes are mine.

My strokes are mine.

Guess what's not getting stroked tonight.

Old Adam's paintbrush.

That's got to be sarcastic applauding, right?

'Cause I feel like I heard, like, a question mark

at the end of the clap.

Thank you, Adam August.

That is the end of our show.

I'd like to thank all of our performers.

You live the stories that we live to hear.

Hey, Caroline.

I know, that was pretty real.

It was real long.

So where are we going for dinner?

Your treat, and she's coming.

Actually, I'm pretty spent emotionally.

Well, we're spent forty-dollars-ally.

It's just one of those nights where...

you leave it all on the stage.

You happen to leave a couple twenties up there?

Let... let me get something straight.

You gave all of yourself talking about a couple bullies?

That's not a rough life. You know that, right?

Well, I know I'm entitled to my truths

and how my truths make me feel.

Yeah, but it's not like you lost a billion dollars

and your father went to prison and you had to move in with me.

And I am a way bigger bully than Rachel Mooney.

Caroline has a rough story.

Again, we can't compare our truths.

I'm sorry, but did all that really happen to you?

You lost billions?

Five years ago today, in fact.

And with what I lost tonight, $5 billion, $40.

Well, have you ever considered

telling your story in a safe space?

You mean one of those locations where you can drop off a baby,

no questions asked?

N... no. No.

No, I mean here.

Telling your story here.

Hey, you know what?

I probably have some fans waiting for me outside,

so I will leave you be.

You're still here?

Thanks for the offer, but I'm not really a writer.

Or a person who would come here twice.

Plus, I'm trying to put my story behind me.

All right. Well, think about it.

It pays $50. Here's my card.

You work at Avis?

Oh, uh... Ooh.

That's my other job.

And remember, you have a story to tell.

And sometimes renting a car is actually cheaper

than a long-term lease, so...

I think you should totally do this.

To finally tell my story and give it closure?

Yeah, a little of that, but mostly the 50 bucks.

I'm here for the surrogacy interview.

Max, we got another baby mama.

Look at all these woman trying to get pregnant.